The Complete History of Canadian Politics

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted September 30, 2006.

I have always found Canadian Politics to be very exciting, even though I know that many people disagree with me. I think the reason for this disagreement is simple ignorance of the excitement that is Canadian politics. So, I thought I would enlighten the masses about how much fun politics in the Great White North can be.

Here, for your enjoyment and education, is my version of the complete history of Canadian politics.

On July 1, 1867, the Fathers of Confederation gathered in Charlottetown and cooked up a country. One of them, Edward Palmer, was my wife's great-great-(I don't know how many greats)-grandfather. But he's not the important one. My favourite one is Sir John A. MacDonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada.

Sir John A. was a heavy drinker. That's why he was my favourite. That's about all you need to know about him.

Then, a bunch of stuff happened.

Then, Pierre Elliott Trudeau was elected as the fifteenth Prime Minister of Canada in 1968. Some people liked him, and some hated him. Even today, his name makes Albertans vomit.

But, whether you liked Trudeau or not, you cannot deny that he did the following really cool things:

- He did a pirouette while walking behind Queen Elizabeth II, which is pretty funny, you have to admit.

- Rather than debate with protestors, he just flipped them the bird.

- When he was questioned about how far he would take his use of the military during the October Crisis, he simply said "just watch me". Arrogant bastard. I love it.

Then, there were some other Prime Ministers. Some didn't last very long, some probably lasted too long. Some swore a lot. Some, rather than give protestors the finger, simply beat the crap out of them.

But, in the past couple of years, things have gotten really interesting. Now we're getting to the good stuff.

First, Belinda Stronach ran for leadership of the newly-formed Conservative Party of Canada. Finally, a hot chick in Canadian politics!

She lost. But, she did make a friend during the whole thing. However, her romance with Peter MacKay ended when she left him for another party. Off she went to the Liberal Party, who were in power at the time. She was promptly given a cabinet post and seemed happy with the change.

Peter, however, was not so happy. So unhappy, in fact that he invited photographers to his father's farm to take pictures of him sadly scratching his doggy's ears. Ah, man's best friend. But he didn't want to talk about it.

Belinda's change of heart didn't pay off in the end, because the Conservatives beat the Liberals in the next election and she was back to the opposition side of the house. Poor dear.

And as if that wasn't enough payback, Peter went out and got himself a new ladyfriend.

Now that the rumours are flying about Peter and US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, he must really be laughing it up at Belinda's expense!

But that's not the end of Belinda's romantic life! Now, she's been brought up in the divorce proceedings of hockey hero Tie Domi. Not a very pretty rebound.

I can just hear what MacKay would have to say to his ex's new boyfriend. "Belinda may be 'the bomb', but Condi HAS the bomb! HAHAHAHA! I WIN!".

Well, that's pretty much it. I hope you enjoyed this accont of all the interesting things that have ever happened in Canadian politics. Fun, eh?