Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Part of the problem

As I posted before, I'm trying to lose weight. I'll post a weight-loss update soon. For now, I wanted to talk about the cause of my weight gain over the years. I've been wondering how it got so carried away. But now I think I'm beginning to understand.

My family moved into our house about a year and a half ago. Recently, I was looking for something in the furnace room and noticed that there is still one box left to unpack, after all this time. Written across the top of that box, in black marker, was:


Maybe that's a bit of a clue. In fact, I would say that is the entire problem right there. I will unpack the box tonight, as the first step towards making some positive changes in my life. First, I have to pop over to McDonald's for supper.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

If the name fits

Recently, a friend and I were enjoying the hospitality at one of Toronto's finer establishments, and he wondered aloud why there were so many Eastern European strippers. I said that I figured it was because they don't have to come up with good stripper stage names. They can just use their own names. He said "what do you mean?" I was just about to explain when I was interrupted by the dude on the loudspeaker thingy saying "OK gentlemen, time for our next entertainer. Put your hands together for Anna Pantsonanov!"

Monday, February 26, 2007

I think the Pizza guy is stalking me

The guy at the pizza joint knows way too much about me. I know that it's all in the name of efficiency, but maybe they've taken it too far.

Him: Pizza Pizza, how can I help you?

Me: I'd like to place an order for delivery, please.

Him: OK, and what is your phone number?

Me: 416.410.3382

Him: OK, would you like the same thing you ordered last time?

Me: I don't even remember what I ordered last time.

Him: Oh, I do. Did you like the chicken wings? I know it was your first time ordering those with your pizza.

Me: Yeah, they were fine.

Him: And are you still peeing blood? Or has that little infection cleared up?

These guys know too much.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Baby spinach

I recently posted about my son's second birthday.

You've come a long way, baby!

I've been spending a lot of time lately, thinking back to that time, two years ago, when he was a little newborn, and I was learning so much. Learning things like how to best calm him down when he was upset, how to survive on only two hours of sleep. Things like that. I was expecting to learn things like that. But there was one thing that really surprised me. And that was learning what babies do with the milk once they drink it.

How can a baby turn milk into spinach? I swear to God, every time you change a newborn's diaper, there is a big mess of chopped spinach in there. How? At first, I thought that maybe we could make some money off of this spinach, but then I thought better of it. I guess that last year's spinach-related E-coli outbreak shows that I wasn't the only one thinking this way.

Anyhow, I just wanted to pass along that information for any of you who have newborn babies, or who are expecting newborn babies or who might one day have newborn baby. Be prepared for the spinach poops.

I haven't been able to eat spanakopita for two years.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Are you really going to eat that?

As anyone who has ever been with me at mealtime knows, I will eat pretty much anything. I love good food, but I also love really horrible food. I love eating at the best fine-dining restaurants, and I love eating at McDonald's. But there are a few things I won't eat. At the very top of my "I'll never eat that crap again" list is...

Arby's Cheese Sauce.

How can you people eat that garbage? I think that the only thing worse than eating Arby's Cheese Sauce would be working in the Arby's Cheese Sauce factory. Imagine, on Take Your Kid to Work Day, how humiliating it would be.

Dad: "OK, son, this is the part where Daddy puts the special, secret ingredient into the Arby's Cheese Sauce. I'm going to have to get you to close your eyes while I do this."

Kid: **closes his eyes, but peeks just in time to see Dad take his finger out of his ear and swish it around in the big vat of sauce**

Now, before Arby's lawyers send me a threatening letter, let me be clear that this is a joke. I'm not really insinuating that Arby's Cheese Sauce contains ear wax. Obviously, Arby's is a huge corporation and they employ a very highly-trained team of food development experts.

Those experts have found a way to make cheese sauce taste like ear wax is all I'm saying.

Monday, February 19, 2007


I love eggs. No, I mean I really love eggs. They are one of the most delicious things ever. Nothing has ever quelled my love of eggs. Not even when I was a kid and complained about my father eating tongue and his reply was "you think this is gross because it comes from a cow's mouth, but you eat eggs." Not even the time I "went vegetarian". I knew I would never be a vegan because I love the eggs too much.

But, Canada's egg producers have come up with a new marketing strategy that may just turn me off of eggs. Now, when I buy eggs, there is a little card on the carton that promotes this new strategy. They say it is "A new traceability standard for food safety & bird welfare." That sounds great. I'm all for food safety and bird welfare (despite what this story may lead you to believe). You can even win a $500 shopping spree! What's not to love about this new program?

The name.

EggsacTrace?! This is the single most disgusting food-related branding I have ever heard of. I understand that in this case, "eggsac" is supposed to be a play on "exact", but come on! defines Egg Sac as "The silken pouch in which many spiders deposit their eggs." mmmm.... sounds breakfast-y. Google Egg Sac and you will get a billion sites about spiders and their reproductive habits. The only mention of breakfast is in a video in which a hobo spider kills a small rat for breakfast.

Still with the unappetizing definitions: says that an egg sac is another term for a woman's ovary. I expect that "OvaryTrace" was a close second when they were deciding on names for this campaign.

Imagine if the beef farmers got together and set up a traceability standard and called it "bull sperm trace". Wouldn't that make you just crave a nice tenderloin steak smothered in rich, thick, creamy Bernaise sauce? mmmm....

I'm going to enter the contest for the $500 and if I win, I'm going to suggest that they keep the money and use it to hire someone to come up with a less disgusting name. Like "OvaryEasy".

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Happy birthday baby

Two years ago today, my son was born. That was the first day I ever understood what people meant when they talked about "walking on the clouds". What a day.

In honour of his birthday, you should watch this video of me talking about the night he was born:

Even Ivan was excited!

Thursday, February 8, 2007

The importance of clarity

I have had the following conversation several times with one particular employee at my local Tim Hortons:

Me: I'll have a toasted chicken club sandwich combo please, on whole wheat bread, with Coke to drink and a chocolate dipped donut.

Her: A chicken club sandwich?

Me: Yes, please. Toasted, on whole wheat bread. As a combo, with Coke and a chocolate-dip.

Her: What kind of bread would you like that on?

Me: Whole wheat please. Toasted. As a combo, with Coke and a chocolate-dip.

Her: Would you like that toasted?

Me: Yes, please. As a combo, with Coke and a chocolate-dipped donut.

Her: OK, would you like that as a combo? You can get a drink and a donut with the combo.

Me: Yes, please. I'll have Coke and a chocolate-dipped donut.

Her: OK. Coffee to drink with your combo?

Me: No, thanks. I'll have a Coke. And. A. Chocolate. Dipped. Donut.

Her: OK. Coke. And what kind of donut?

Me: Hmmmm... I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?

Her: I like the Maple dip.

Me: Fine. Maple dip it is.

Her: OK, anything else?

Me: No thanks. There are only so many hours in a day.

Her: Confused look

I suppose that it would help if I said what I wanted up front rather than wasting her time like that, trying to squeeze the information out of me.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007


My wife and I moved to Toronto in 1999. Technically, we moved to Mississauga, but as far as anyone back in New Brunswick is concerned, we moved to Toronto. We did officially move to the 416 the next year. The point is, we've lived in Toronto and area for a few years now. I love it here. But people back home think we're crazy for living here and even crazier for liking it.

Some guy back home: "How can you live there? People there are so rude!"

Me: "Have you ever even been to Toronto?"

Guy: "Well, no, but everyone knows that people there are rude. And it's dirty. And dangerous! How can you raise your son in such a terrible place?"

I dunno, sifting through garbage for lunch, getting mugged and running with a gang will only make a kid stronger. Don't be an idiot. People in Toronto are fine. For the most part, it's a nice, safe, clean city. Of course there are exceptions, but there are exceptions everywhere.

Then they bring out the whole "yeah, but what a bunch of whiners! A little bit of snow and they bring in the army!" Everyone in Canada laughs about that, and sees it as yet another reason to hate Toronto.

First of all, that was a few years ago - get over it. Secondly, it's not like Moncton or Red Deer - it's not as easy to remove a big mess of snow from Toronto's busy, tightly packed streets. You just don't understand. Toronto is not full of whining babies.

Well, maybe I'm wrong. At least as far as City Hall is concerned. Yesterday, our City Council got together for a group portrait. Sounds simple? Not for these whining babies. The whole thing got called off when they couldn't stop fighting about who got to sit in the front row.

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN CHARGE OF MY TAX DOLLARS! What is this, class picture day? If these clowns can be elected to office, then surely to God I can too. So, it's decided! I'm going to run in the next municipal election. Yes, it's a few years off now, but that just means that I'll have lots of time to plan my campaign.

I've already come up with a few great ideas for campaign promises. I've decided that I will run my campaign on their level. My first three promises will be:

-Longer recess time across the whole city.
-Every day will be pizza day.
-Dimmer lights and fewer chaperones at dances.

Based on the maturity level of the current Council, I think these promises alone will make me a real contender. I trust I can count on your vote?

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Super Bowl Question

So I was listening to the radio yesterday, and there were a couple of jocks talking about football. Apparently there is some big football game today in the US or something.

These two guys were talking about the history of blackhead coaches in the Super Bowl.

Blackhead coaches? Are these football players such wimps that they need someone to help them through a few blackhead zits?

I've never understood football.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Good grief

OK, I know there are a million sites on this interweb thingy that relate to this topic, but I couldn't resist joining in. For Christmas I got a calandar of George W Bushisms. Some of these crack me up, and some of them just scare me.

A few are so good that I had to share them. Enjoy:

Follow the Yellow Brick Road and you'll find the WMDs

Is "dark dungeons of the internet" some kind of gamer reference?

Just reading this makes me joyfuller.

I wish my economics prof could have just made things this clear.

If so, I hope it means that they also become more faster.