First thing you know, ol' Jed's a millionaire

Lots of types of people buy lottery tickets. So how can there be a "type" when it comes to lottery winners? You know when you see the big winner in the paper that they blew the entire 2.5 million on a bingo binge and a gold-plated barbecue to bring with them to attend every Nascar event for the next 25 years.

I don't get how the same type of person wins every time.

Maybe it's Ford, paying off the lottery officials, knowing that if the rednecks don't win the lottery they'll never sell the big pick-up trucks.

Dirty

At Ellesmere & Pharmacy in Scarborough there is a butcher shop called "Halal Fresh Meat". The ads in the window say "Beef, Veal, Lamb, Goat, Chicken, Ground."

Ground?

I've heard old folks saying "Everyone will eat a pound of dirt before they die." I just didn't know it was a Muslim thing.

Practice what you preach

Maybe David Suzuki should start by reducing the emissions on the motorcycles he manufacturers before he preaches to the rest of us.

Best Intersection Ever

I love how things sometimes happen by accident but look like they're planned. For instance, at the intersection of Queen and Coxwell in Toronto there are two porn shops. So the slogan should be "Come to Queen and Coxwell to find everything you need to make a Queen's Coxwell."

The Word of the Lloyd

If it's true that everything happens because of God's will, then I imagine God invented beer, cigarettes and fast food to ensure that everyone has an equal chance with the chicks. I mean, I'm already brilliant and incredibly funny. Imagine if I was in shape! The other guys wouldn't stand a chance.

Jesus Loves Me

Also at Ellesmere & Kennedy in Scarborough: "Members in Christ Assemblies" church. I don't know much about church, but I don't think there is anything in the Bible about Christ wanting anyone to put their members in him.

Tastes like chicken

Slogan in the window at the Chinese Hut Restaurant at Ellesmere & Kennedy in Scarborough: "Natural Health Taste."

What does Natural Health taste like? I think I prefer un-natural un-healthy taste.

Road Street

I wonder if, at the Toronto Street Naming Association Annual Conference the keynote speaker always says something like "our industry has been on a constant up-swing ever since that one low year when by accident, we named a street Avenue Road."

Watch It

I always get the question "did you see the game last night?" Because I am a guy, people assume I am into sports. But I'm really not. I always say I don't watch sports because I don't enjoy playing them because I suck at sports.

But I have realized that is pretty stupid logic. If I only watched things I was good at, the internet porn industry would see a massive drop in downloads overnight.

Hour TBD

Do you ever take your clothes to a 1-hour dry cleaner? There should be a disclaimer on the sign saying "1-Hour Dry Cleaning* but we pick which hour.

Every time I try to get my clothes cleaned in an hour, there are a billion reasons why I can't have it. Like:

"Sorry, you have to drop your clothes off before 7 to get the 1-hour service."
"But you open at 7:30."
"Are you here to get your clothes cleaned or to make excuses?"

Dry cleaners are some of the funniest people in the world.

Dog Walking 101

Now that it's warming up and people are getting their dogs out again (See previous post), it's time for a few reminders.

1. If your dog doesn't come when you call, your dog should be on a leash.
2. If your dog is aggressive towards other dogs, your dog should be on a leash.
3. If your dog is aggressive towards people, your dog should be on a leash.
4. If your dog will steal from people's picnics, your dog should be on a leash.
5. If you are walking a dog, YOUR DOG SHOULD BE ON A LEASH!

That about sums it up.

Overheard on a bus

Taking the bus offers so many great eavesdropping opportunities. Like the day I heard a couple of young kids discussing what they had learned in Social Studies class recently.

"The girls in that religion, they have to wear, you know, vials on their head."

I laughed so hard I almost cried. I could just picture women from some strange religion walking around with vials and beakers and other lab equipment on their heads. I guess their religion really values good posture and balance.

Learning should be fun

Jodi likes to watch a few shows on TLC. The Learning Channel. Learning? What do TLC viewers learn? Well, the educators from "What Not to Wear" teach us the important lesson that if you do not spend $5,000 each season to change your entire wardrobe then you are a bad person.

The only time I change my wardrobe is when I gain weight. Which, according to TLC's "I Can Make You Thin" also makes me a bad person.

So, to review: TLC is educational; Lloyd is bad. The truth hurts.

Small Business

I noticed there is a bookstore at Lawrence and Victoria Park in Scarborough, run by the Canadian Bible Society, called "The Bible Store." That must be the world's smallest store. A store with only one product.

Imagine if they started doing that for every book. Instead of big box bookstores, you could just have little stores, each specializing in just one title. There would be "The Cat in the Hat Store" or "The Archie Double Digest Volume 163 Store."

We'd be over run with tiny bookstores. I don't think it's going to catch on.

Reverse Psychology Protesting

I read in the newspaper this morning about protestors in Edmonton, protesting against a coal gasification project near the city. They assembled in front of City Hall for their demonstration, in which they used origami paper geese to call attention to the effect the project might have on migratory birds.

Environmental protestors using thousands of sheets of paper to prove a point? Killing trees to save trees? This could revolutionize the protest industry. Some ways in which this new protest method could be put to use by other groups:

-Right-to-lifers arranging to have their members all have public abortions to draw attention to the plight of the fetus.

-Civil rights demonstrators organizing their protestors in an orderly fashion by race, religion, gender and sexuality to point out the plight of minorities.

-Anti-war protestors opening fire on women and children to show how destructive war is.

-Protestors at the G8 meetings outsourcing their protest to India for wages well below the poverty line.

I think this new reverse psychology protesting will be very exciting. Thank you, Edmonton protestors for this fun new trend you have started.

Next Stop: Snarfle Marfle

I imagine that every successful job interview for a bus/subway/streetcar driver with the Toronto Transit Commission goes like this:
"Can you call out the stops with a mouthful of ball bearings?"
"Yes, of course."
"You're hired."

But the sign says...

Her - "Welcome to The Everything for a Dollar Store!"
Me - "Thanks. I'll take everything in the store. Here's your dollar."
Her - "?"

Hairspray, Part 2

Speaking of hairspray, is anyone on the planet actually attracted to hair that looks like it would break if you touched it?

Hairspray

I haven't used hair spray since my high school prom, so I'm not exactly a hair spray expert. But I imagine that in the production of hair spray, all sorts of horrible things happen to the environment. There has to be stuff in hair spray that will make its way into the water and eventually end up in polar bears' livers.

If the kids who take the same bus as me in the morning would just cut back on their hair spray use by 50%, I imagine they would single-handedly be responsible for stopping global worming.

And my bus wouldn't stink of hairspray anymore.

Stop Picking on Scarborough

Like on most public busses, the Toronto Transit Commission's busses have little digital signs that say the route number and where it is going. For instance, every morning on the way to work, I catch a bus on Brimley Road that says "21 Brimley to Scarborough Centre" or something like that.

But there is one bus in particular that makes me laugh every time I see it. It is the 86. It just says "86 Scarborough" on the front. It sounds like the route number and name were decided by someone who really hates Scarborough.



I say, leave Scarborough alone. And 86 that bus instead.

Can you save me now?

Telus is always advertising their cell phones by showing fish swimming around them. I don't get it. Does Telus offer waterproof phones? That would actually be pretty good for me, because I can't swim, so if I fall off a boat, I could call 911.

"911, what is the emergency?"
"Glub bla fffet glub"
"Is this some kind of joke?"
"Glub bbb ffllb."
"Damn, I hate those new Telus phones."

Time

A sign outside the Color Your World store on Lawerence Ave E in Scarborough:

"Help wanted - Trade Division. 30-40 hours."

My first thought: 30-40 hours is not nearly enough notice for most people.

Shut-in

There is a condo building at the corner of Brimley & Ellesmere in Scarborough with a sign on the front door that says "Please leave door closed at all times."

So, why have a door? How do those people get home? And when they find a way in, are they stuck?

Butt why?

The big sign at the front of the bus that says "Please exit at the rear doors" is clearly too complex for most bus riders to understand.

How hard it it to understand that the whole bus riding process will go much smoother if you get off at the back while people get on at the front? It's very simple physics. Everytime you get off at the front, you slow down the whole bus trip for the rest of us by slowing down the people who are trying to get on. Why do you do this?

I think it comes down to how sexually repressed we still are. Do people really think that it will make them look bad if people see that they enjoy getting off at the back door?

Poor little jocks

Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Olympics that has a bunch of kids saying things like "I'm not a loser" or "I'm not a loner" in several languages. Then they all start saying "I'm an athelete" like you can't possibly be both.

(If you don't recognize the commercial, go to olympic.org and click on "The Best of Us"in tbe multimedia gallery in the top right.)

What kind of jock nonsense is this? I always expect the next line to be "so go find a fat kid to call names and leave the jocks alone. Faggot."

Standing In The Way Wins The Race

Why does everyone on the bus bunch up at the front?
1. Get on the bus
2. See a spot to stand near the door
3. Take that spot and refuse to move, even if you are blocking the way of people who get on the bus after you
4. This way, when the bus gets to your stop, you'll be the first to arrive, at least 0.25 seconds before the suckers at the back!
5. Spend the rest of the day feeling proud of yourself for your incredible time-saving efforts this morning.

Bus rules

When somebody farts on a crowded bus, and you're looking around, trying to figure out who is acting so casual that it's obvious that they are the farter, everyone sees you looking around so much and figures that you're looking around to see if anyone noticed that you farted.

Rules of the bus

TTC Rule #726: The more people that there are standing up on the bus, the harder the driver must slam on the brakes at every stop.

We gotcha back

There has been a series of ads running on Toronto Transit Commission busses all about why you shouldn't be mean to TTC employees. The headline is "We Stand Behind Our TTC Employees."

I couldn't read the small print, so I spent a ride to work one day, coming up with possible examples for the next line in the ad:

...so they block your punches
...because they can take a hit better than us
...so we can catch them when you punch them out
...so we can hold them while you pop them in the mouth.

*Note, I neither approve of, nor encourage violence against bus drivers. But I can sometimes see why it happens.

Thoughts from the bus

Nothing says "I'm a lush and don't care who knows it" like sending your 12-year old to school with their books in a liquor store bag.

Tonight at the ALTdotCOMedy Lounge

Hey Toronto-area Llunch Counter customers. Come on out tonight to the Rivoli at 332-334 Queen St. W (at Spadina) for the ALTdotCOMedy Lounge where I will be telling 5-7 minutes of jokes for your listening pleasure. You can watch too, but that is much less pleasurable.

It is going to be a very very funny show tonight. Check out this line-up:

Hosted by : Debra DiGiovanni, from Last Comic Standing, CBC Radio 2 and Much Music's Video on Trial
Including:
Aaron Berg - very funny Yuk Yuk's headliner
Dylan Gott - one of the funniest up-and-coming comics in Toronto
Bobby Mair - ditto, but I would also go so far as to say that when Bobby has a really really good set, he one of the funniest comics you'll see anywhere, pro or amateur. Watch for Bobby because he is going to be a comedy star one day for sure.
Makesi Arthur - also hilarious, lots of smart humour.
Mark Forward - You know the Canadian Tire commercial where the guy's wife is talking to him and he is only half-listening as he shines up his barbecue, and she says "are you even listening?" and he says "what's that barbecue?" That's Mark Forward.
Jonny Harris - Hi. Lar. Ious. As seen on TV Comedy festivals

And more, including ME.

So, come on out. Show starts at 9PM.

See you at the Rivoli.

Nice Shoes, Wanna... Give them back?

I've mentioned a few times that I started riding the bus to work now that I am no longer a stay-at-home dad. It's usually ok. But there were a lot of snow storms when I first I started back to work. Those days suck for bus riders. One of them was especially bad for me.

I decided that the weather was bad enough that I would risk looking completely stupid and wear my winter boots with my suit and carry shoes in a plastic bag to protect them from the elements. I changed footwear when I got to work and again back into my boots when I left at the end of the day. Everything was going fine up to now. Then, when I went to get off the first bus to transfer to another, I left the bag of shoes behind. I realized it just after the bus went out of sight over a hill. Agh!

After I cursed at myself for a while, I calmed down and said "no big deal. Someone will turn them in and I'll go downtown to the TTC lost and found and collect them." Good plan. Only it didn't work out. Nobody turned them in. They're gone for good.

So, if you take the bus in Scarborough, and notice someone checking out everyone's footwear, that will be me. And you'd better not be wearing my shoes, because I will fight you for them.

Sucker for an accent

I recently read a blog in which the writer complained that people in Toronto (where I live) are much less polite than people in London, England (where I used to live for a couple of years). I don't necessarily believe that in general, but I do believe it about the homeless in London. They are so polite, it's impossible to not give them money, cigarettes, food, whatever they want.

There was one guy who begged near my work. He got me every time. I would be on my way to the corner shop to get a Lion bar and he would stop me and say "Sorry sir, but could you perhaps spare 30 p so a gent could get a hot cut of tea?" I was like "Of course I could. A gent should be able to have a hot cup of tea. It's only right." I usually gave him a couple of pounds, so he could have a crumpet with his tea, at which point he would say "Awright! Cheers, mate! Fanks fer that! Now oi've got enough to get a fuckin' real drink," and he would follow me into the shop and buy a can of Foster's. This happened almost every day. And I didn't mind that he lied to me, or that he spent his tea money on beer. I minded that I kept believing him.

I don't know if Torontonians are more or less polite than Londoners. But this one certainly is dumber.

Dear TDSB and TCDSB

Dear Toronto District School Board and Toronto Catholic District School Board,

I wish to request that you add a class to your cirriculum called "Why you should take your big fucking backpack off when you get on the bus."

The textbook could have chapters titled "Hey you little fucker, when you turned around in font of my seat, you hit me in the face with that big fucking backpack" or "You take up as much space as a grotesquely obese person with that backpack on."

Trust me, as a new transit rider, I can testify to the fact that Toronto students need this class.

I would be happy to teach the class, because I am all about doing what's right for our children. And not getting a big fucking backpack jammed into my gut seven times a day.

Llove,

Lloyd

Can you read me now?

For a while, there was an ad at the bus shelter where I transfer on my way to work each day that was about illiteracy. It was paid for by the City, and it had all kinds of information for illiterate people, and a number to call for help. Seriously.

It might as well have said "If you can't read this ad, please call the following number"

That's like speaking in sign language to a blind person. Or whispering to a deaf person. Or using words with more than two syllables to George Bush. It's a unique marketing strategy, to say the least.

Dear Telemarketers

Dear Telemarketers,

I used to defend you. When people would start bitching about telemarketers, I would say "they're just trying to make some money, just like the rest of us." I even was one of you, when I was a University student, and made fundraising calls for the alumni office.

I have changed my point of view when it comes to telemarketing. Not all telemarketing, but I have come to absolutely hate the growing percentage of companies that are using the latest in telemarketing technology.

I'm sure everyone has had the calls. They go like this:

-Your phone rings.
-You answer it, politely. "Hello?"
-Nothing happens.
-You try again. Still polite. "Hello? Anyone there?"
-Nobody there.
-You give it one last try, a little frustrated now. "Hello?! Is this some kind of joke?"
-There is a clicking sound, as the computer at the other end of the line transfers you to the next available agent.
-"Hello, may I speak with.... (pause as they wait for their computer screen to refresh and tell them who they have called)... Mr. L. ... um.... Rain?"

So, you called me, and you expect me to wait for you? My phone rings, and I have to wait for you to come to the phone? You value my business so much that you couldn't bother to have someone on the line until you are sure that I am going to answer?

Tell you what - next time don't bother to have someone on the line until you are sure you have an offer for me that doesn't suck. First you make me wait for you to come to the phone, then you offer me a credit card at 0.01% below the legal usury limit?

Calling my house and then not actually being there when I answer the phone is the telephone version of "Nickey Nickey Nine Doors". And the next time I get one of these calls, I'm going to react like I would if that's what it was. I'm going to shout "stop ringing my bell and running away, you pesky kids!"

I am going to tell my friends to do the same thing. And to tell their friends. It will become a movement. And I will be the leader of the movement. And maybe one day, all the telemarketing companies will be forced to go back to having someone on the line to offer barely legal credit cards to me as soon as I answer the phone. That's all I ask.

Llove,

Lloyd

Dear Sirius

Dear Sirius Satelite Radio,

I enjoy your services while driving around in my car. I mostly listen to the comedy channels. Funny stuff.

But, sometimes, my kids are in the car with me. Then, I switch to your kids channel on 116.

I just wanted to let you know that we have about 6 CDs with kids music on them. You could borrow them if you want. Then your collection of kids music would be more than doubled!


Give me a call if you want to borrow our CDs.

Llove,

Lloyd

Things that bother me, part 49

I have to get this off of my chest. It's old news, and I meant to write about it last summer, and didn't. Then I decided too much time had passed and it wouldn't be relevant anymore, so I decided not to post it. But it's been eating away at me and I can't resist posting it anymore.

Here's the thing. Last summer, Bell Canada had an ad stuck on the bus shelter across the road from my house. It had a picture of the Bell Canada spokesbeavers, looking at phonebooks. The caption said "From A to Z, the calls are free."

That's just silly. It looks like it should rhyme, but it doesn't. At least not in Canada. The only place in the world where that would rhyme is in the U.S.

The only way that could rhyme in any other country in the world would be to change it to "From A to Z, all the calls are Fred." And that would be really stupid.

So, is Bell Canada leading some secret campaign to change the last letter in the alphabet from the proper "zed" to the American "zee"? If so, why? What's in it for them?

I'm not waiting to find out. I switched my phone service from Bell Canada to protest their re-writing the alphabet. You should switch your phone too, before they start forcing us to spell things like "humor" and "neighbor" or, even worse, pronounce the thing on the top of our houses as "ruff"!

Don't say I didn't warn you when your kids come home from school with an F on their report cards because of bad behaviour behavior.

Canadian World Domination for a thousand

Several years ago, I was browsing the interwebnets and found a site called "Canadian World Domination." It was built as a project by a couple of University students in Kitchener, and was hilarious. The students, known on the site as General Claire and General Jenny, outlined their plans for taking over the world, Canadian-style. If you've ever been forwarded a "You know you're Canadian if..." e-mail, it started out on that site. It's gone now, probably shut down by the CIA or maybe even because the "Generals" grew tired of the game.

Not surprisingly, though, Canadian World Domination (CWD) quickly developed a following of hard-core fans, who posted regularly on the CWD message forum. I was one of them. It was my first internet forum addiction, preceeding even my on-again, off-again obsession with zug.com's GAB forum.

The people on the CWD forum were funny, smart and funny, so I enjoyed reading what they had to say and sharing my thoughts with them. We became a tight group for a while, and even got together a few times, mostly here in Toronto (with people coming from as far away as Maine, Texas, and of course, Michigan), but there were other get-togethers in other cities in Canada, the US and even in Europe.

One of the most dedicated followers of Generals Claire and Jenny was a librarian from Flint, Michigan named Janet. I have had the pleasure of meeting Janet a few times on her visits to Toronto and she is lovely. Funny, smart, nice, and a kick-ass cook.

Even though the Canadian World Domination site is long gone, some of us still keep in touch through e-mail. And if you follow my blog even semi-regularly, you have surely seen comments left by my CWD comrades. Especially Janet, who has probably been the most regular comment poster on Lloyd's Llunch Counter.

So, I am excited to watch Jeopardy tonight, when Janet will be a contestant! I will know someone on Jeopardy. It doesn't even matter how well she does, as long as she posts a comment on this particular blog entry after the show airs and lets us know if Alex smelled like caramel (which, for some reason is what I always imagine).

You should all watch tonight, because one day, when Generals Claire and Jenny do complete their Canadian World Domination mission, Janet will surely be given a very important post (probably "Ambassador to the Wizzarding World" as she's a big Potter fan, or maybe "Minister of Pies"). So you should really get a glimpse of this future political leader.

Good luck tonight Janet! (I know, the show was taped weeks ago so no amount of well-wishing from me will affect the outcome, but I still can't wait to see how it goes).

Nice face, too bad about the...

There are loads of things that suck about taking the bus. Especially on cold days. The worst thing about taking the bus on a cold day is when you're sitting there, and a good-looking girl gets on, and you're checking her out as she walks to the back of the bus. Pretty face, great hair, big Angelina lips.... Then, she gets closer and you see the stream of snot coming out of her nose.

Coming Soon To A Store Near You

I'm going to be rich! I was throwing some frozen fries in the oven, and one of them had a potato sprout on it. I planted it, and soon I'll have a french fry tree! I'm going to put McCain an Cavendish out of business by cutting out the whole processing thing, and just grow frozen french fries. Jodi thinks the sprout will just rot in the pot I planted it in, but she won't be laughing when she's the wife of the french fry king.

Sister Squirrel

I hate that sometimes I blurt out things that sound funny in my head, and once they leave my lips, they just dound dumb. Everybody does this, but I do it to strangers, which makes it sound dumb and creepy.

One day last summer, I was in walking the dog in the park and a family came along on their bikes. It was a little boy, a little girl, their mother, and what I assume was a visitor from England. They were showing this lady around the neighbourhood, and the kids pointing out landmarks (that's the tree that we like to climb, that's a totem pole, that's where we have picnics sometimes, etc). She would ask them questions in her lovely Northern England accent.

Then, the little boy pointed to a squirrel and said "and that's a chick-munk." His mother corrected him and said "no, dear, that's a squirrel" and the visitor said "but what's a chick-munk?"

I was walking just past them at this point, and before I even realized I was speaking, I said "a nun."

I walked away, amused at myself, leaving them wondering what was wrong with me.

Smile

I like music. Right now, I have a favourite song. Would you like to hear about it? OK, I'll tell you. It's by an indy band from Charlottetown called Out from Under. This band is made up of:

- Jeff Stewart, a friend of mine with whom I went to cooking school, and who is the head chef at Charlottetown's Mavor's Lounge, in the Confederation Centre.
- A bunch of other guys I don't know.

Their MySpace page lists the following description of their sound:

Alt-Country goes skinny dipping in the Norththumberland Strait and comes back wet and cold with some crabs and a rubber boot, only to warm itself with a fire lit from drum sticks and setlists.

I have two of their CDs. One is called Live at Leo's and the other is called Unindustrious. It is on the latter that my current favourite song can be found. Track 9. The best song ever. Called Ecstasy Smile. I hope the guys in the band don't mind if I post the lyrics here, because I love them so (the lyrics, not the guys in the band. I just like them as friends)

Ecstacsy Smile, by J. Stewart:

When I first saw you I had had a few
I was sad and I was down
Then you rubbed my arm
And you brought me your charm

I was a little misplaced
Then you came to me with your grace
But I can't tell if you're for real
Or is that your ecstasy smile?

Ecstasy smile
Ecstasy smile
Is that you looking at me like that
Or is that your ecstasy smile?

I hiccup like a drunk
All my shit won't fit in my leaving trunk
So I'll park myself right here for awhile
And I'll gaze at your smile.

You're looking good to me now
And I'm hoping somehow
You've got enough smiles to get you through
The possibility of me and you

Ecstasy smile
Ecstasy smile
Is that you looking at me like that
Or is that your ecstasy smile?

When we hit last call
I'm like a horse in need of a stall
Won't you pick me up
Because I know you've still got a little bit of energy to burn

Won't you get me home
Get me alone
I'll take that little smile from your face
And turn it into permanent grace

Ecstasy smile
Ecstasy smile
Is that you looking at me like that
Or is that your ecstasy smile?

Sweet Ecstasy smile
Ecstasy smile
Is that you looking at me like that
Or is that your ecstasy smile?

Copyright ;© 2006, Out From Under

Awesome, huh? I can actualy picture Jeff checking a girl out in a bar and asking "do you think she likes me, or is she high?"

Check out the band's MySpace page here, and listen to more of their songs. Cut and Dried is another favourite of mine. And go here to purchase their CD. Do it!

By the way, you have my permission to make this your favourite song too. Don't say I never give you anything.

Shut that kid up!

My son, who turned 3 last month, has only recently gotten into watching TV. We didn't really turn it on for him very often, so he never really cared. But, as he's gotten older, he's become more and more interested in cartoons. He loves Little Bear, Franklin, The Backyardigans and, Diego.

Having watched all of these shows with him on several occasions, I have noticed one thing. I think someone who works on the Diego show needs to take that kid in to get his ears tested. I once knew a kid who shouted all the time, and her parents took her in to get little tube thingies in her ears and now her hearing is better and the shouting is gone. I assume Diego's shouting issue comes from a similar problem.

If someone doesn't take that kid in to get his ears checked soon, I'm calling child services. I mean it!

Honour and Obay

Did you see the ad campaign that caused such a stir on the Toronto Transit Commission? The ads were for a medicine called "Obay". The slogans said things like "My daughter used to have a mind of her own. Not any more, thanks to Obay." and they included the tag "From the makers of WhyBecauseISaidSo". It was obviously a fake campaign and everyone was wondering what it was really about. The advertising company said that the real campaign would answer everyone's questions, but wouldn't give any hints.

I came up with some ideas. I was hoping the real thing would be an ad for Cadbury's and would say "There really isn't a drug that will make your kids obay you. So, buy their obedience with chocolate!"

Alternatively, the same idea would have worked for toys, ice cream, ipods, a trip to Disneyland or a car.

In the end, it was just an ad about letting kids make their own decisions about their futures, for OntarioColleges.ca. Very disappointing. My ideas were better. Disney, are you listening?

Lloyd Mad, Lloyd Smash

I like to do my bit for the environment when I can. I'm no major heavy-duty tree hugger, but I do pitch in, in my own way. I drive a car that's this big |----------| to reduce emmissions. I recycle. I am replacing all of the bulbs in my house with compact flourescents. And I buy local produce whenever possible. Local organic produce, if possible.

But what is the point in buying organic apples if I have to use heavy-duty earth-killing detergent to get the "ORGANIC" stickers off? What do they use to stick these things on with? Whatever it is, I guarantee it isn't organic. Nothing natural sticks that well. Not even (insert something from nature that sticks really well here).

So, I say, boycott the organic fruit farmers until they find a better way to mark their produce as organic. Maybe wrapped in plastic that has the word organic on it?

Maybe I'm not as good at this green stuff as I thought.

Breaking News

Do you ever read Metro News? You know it - the one that you can get for free at every bus stop in Toronto. Do you read it? Me either. But sometimes I see the headlines while I am waiting for the bus. (did I mention that now that I'm back at work, I take the bus every day?)

Yesterday (Thursday, February 28, 2008), the front page headline was "Teens not all tech wizards". Really? Wow. That's intense.

In related news:

* 50-sometings didn't all attend Woodstock.
* Senior citizens don't all smell like cabbage.
* Fat people not all jolly.
* Tall people not all basketball players.
* Redheads not all fiesty.
* Newspaper editors not all brilliant.

What a way to make a living

So I'm back in the workforce finally. No more stay-at-home daddy life for me. I started on February 1, back at the company where I was working before I did the whole full-time parenting thing. Happy to be back, but I miss my days with my boy.

After two weeks back in the ofice, I have a few observations:

1. In two weeks, nobody has cried when it was time to change activities.
2. I have not been peed on once while in the office.
3. It is nice to have a reason to shave five days in a row for the first time in a year and a half.
4. I forgot what it was like to have multi-sylabic conversations all day long.

However,

5. Nobody has given me a random hug at any point in the day.
6. Nobody seems thrilled beyond belief when I walk into the room. (not that they aren't happy, but just not as happy as Eric often is when I walk into the room)
7. In the past two weeks, I have not once had an afternoon nap with a little boy asleep on top of me.


The office world would be a lot better if we could have afternoon naps with our kids. I think I would be much more productive.

Think of the children!

I had a membership at the local YMCA for a while, so I could get some much-needed exercise. Remember? I gave up the membership when I had bronchitis for a few weeks, and wasn't going. I haven't renewed it yet.

Anyhow, when I was going there, they had a big sign in the lobby that told people what their donations to the Scarborough YMCA would do in the community. According to the sign, donating to the YMCA helps local children get much-needed stills. I was outraged! Kids shouldn't be brewing moonshine in their backyard! Not in the city, anyhow. I can't believe that a so-called "community organization" supports youth alcoholism! I'll never go back.

Jodi tried to convince me that it was just a typo and that I should re-join and start exercising again, but no sir. I refuse to support such an organization by joining their gym, so I guess I'll just have to never work out again. Pass the moonshine, I'm staying in tonight.

I cried because I had $10 shoes

I had to buy shoes for my son. Usually, we have to buy good shoes, because of his problems walking. But these were shoes to fit over the little braces he wears on his legs a few hours a day (properly called Ankle-Foot Orthotics, or AFOs). So, his physiotherapist suggested that we buy cheap shoes from Wal-Mart, as they tend to be the ones that work best with the braces. So, I finaly find the shoe section in the massive Wal-Mart on Eglinton Avenue in Scarborough. This store is bigger than my hometown. I'm standing there, looking at the shoes, trying to find a pair that will fit the braces properly, and in the 15 minutes that I was there, no less than 5 women came through and said "Look at these prices! Who does Wal-Mart think they are, charging so much for shoes? It's a crime!" and then storm off.

There isn't a pair of kids shoes there for more than $20.00! Where are these women buying their kids' shoes? Are they making them at home? Where else can you get shoes for $10? I know, some people can't even afford $10 shoes. But each of these women was dressed in designer clothes that cost a lot more than $10, from stores that look and smell a lot nicer than Wal-Mart. At what point do you say "I can't spend $10 on my kid's shoes, because then I would come up short for the silver sequined top and matching bracelet that I saw at Le Chateau?

Maybe I just don't get it because I would look like shit in the silver sequined top from Le Chateau.

Next Stop: World Domination

Apparently, in Texas these days, it isn't cool to use racial slurs anymore. Welcome to modern times, Texas!

Although, to be fair, it's not like they're not being racist anymore. It's just that they are trying not to get caught being racist. So, instead of using everyone's favourite racial slurs, like the N word, they have decided to come up with a code. The key to cracking the code isn't too hard. They just picked one word, and substituted it for all of the racial slurs they didn't want to be heard uttering anymore. That word: Canadian. Click here for the whole story.

It's about time someone down there noticed us! I feel so honoured that our country has become such an important part of the South's time-honoured tradition of bigotry!

This information has helped me make up my mind as to who I will be cheering on in the U.S. elections. I really hope Barak Obama wins. Because wouldn't it be cool to finally have a Canadian in the White House?

Screw It

My father-in-law is a man's man. He was a local hockey star when he was younger. Worked in construction for years, during the big boom in Calgary. He has a hunting camp. He drives a four-wheeler, which he hauls around in his massive pick up truck.

So, I often wonder how he felt when Jodi brought me home to meet him, about 13 years ago. "This is Lloyd. He dropped out of studies for an English degree, and now he's planning to go to cooking school. No, he doesn't own a car, or even know anything about cars. In fact, his father's car has a flat and he's hoping you could help change it because he has no idea how to."

I haven't gotten any manlier over the years, either, as I have pointed out previously. But he's always been good about overlooking my wimpishness. He must have been really proud the day when, during a visit a couple of months ago, he was helping me install a new light fixture in the dining room. He said "Lloyd, could you grab me a Phillips screwdriver?"

I ran to the basement to my toolbox (which is the toolbox that my knives came in during cooking school) and dug around. I went back upstairs and said, "sorry, no Phillips, just Black and Decker and Mastercraft. Is one of those ok?"

I. Am. Hopeless.

Think it through

Men and women are different. It's true. Maybe someday a stand up comic will expand on this theory and do some comedy about the differences between men and women. That would be refreshing.

I first became aware of this apparent difference between men and women recently, when I noticed that my friend Rebecca and I had each reacted differently to a news story. Perhaps it's because of our gender, I said. I think I might be onto something.

She had e-mailed me a link to a news article from Reuters about a guy in Poland who nipped into the local brothel (maybe he made a mistake and thought it was something else, like a Registered Massage Therapist that he could claim on his employee health benefits plan. I'm not sure, but I think we can give him the benefit of the doubt). When he got inside, he couldn't help but notice that one of the "service providers" happened to be his lovely wife of 14 years. He immediately asked her what she was doing there.

Check it out.

So Rebecca's reaction to this story was "question is, what are YOU doing here?" Fair enough. I guess I can see how that question would eventually come up. But the first thing I thought when I read the story was entirely different. I focused in on the last line in the article.

"The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported."

He's divorcing her? That's not so bright. He just earned a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card. For the rest of his life, he can come home, smelling like the brothel and if she says anything he can say "Hey, you used to work there! How many guys did you get it on with in a night while you worked there? Know how many of your former colleagues I had the sexings with tonight? Only one, because I am so full of self-restraint."

He didn't think it through before going ahead with the divorce. Should have called me for advice.

One month

Yesterday marked one month since my second son, Alex was born. I can't believe it's already been a month. On the other hand, it seems like he's been with us forever.

I think that the strangest thing about having two sons is using the phrase "the boys" and not meaning my no-no bits.

Do they serve apple pie?

Do you know anything about Guyanese culture? Do they eat apple pie in Guyana? Because when I see the picture below, of a slogan for a Guyanese-Chinese restaurant in my neighbourhood, all I can picture is that scene from American Pie.



I Man Love It? What the hell? Is this the headquarters for NAMFLA (North American Man-Food Love Association).

Is this even legal? You hear about strip clubs being raided all the time for innapropriate activity between dancers and patrons. What about inappropriate activity between dessert and patron? (No, I don't mean the girl at the Brass Rail who goes by the stage name of "Dessert", I mean dessert). I am outraged by this depravity in my neighbourhood!

So, who wants to join me to go check this joint out?

And The Award Goes To...

The Lloyd MMusic AAward for Least Inspired Name Ever for a Duo or Group goes to:

RyanDan!

Accepting the award will be the members of RyanDan, RYAN AND DAN!

Congratulations, guys!

Lloyd's Advertising Agency

I would like to get into advertising copy-writing, but I don't have the time to start at the bottom. I'm 35 and have two kids to feed. I need to make money! So, I decided to just start my own advertising agency and write my own ads. Of course, I don't have to worry about being held back by limitations of my clients, because I don't have any clients. So I can just make up my own products and write ads for them.

So, without any further ado (what the hell does that mean, anyhow?), here is my first ad:

Announcer: “Some car companies claim to offer versatility. Now, one car company really does. Introducing the car called the most versatile car ever by ‘Car and Collectable’ magazine.”

(dramatic music)

Announcer: “The Kia Chia.”

Singers: “K-k-k-k-kia. Ch-ch-ch-chia”

Announcer: “Simply plant the seeds on the specially-designed chassis, and watch them grow! Then, cut the grass into the shape of your dream car.”

Woman: “With my brood of soccer stars, I needed more space, but couldn’t afford a large vehicle. I cut my Kia Chia into the shape of a minivan! Now the whole family can travel together!”

Young man: “I never had any luck with the ladies, until I cut my Kia Chia into a hot sportscar. Now I’m getting more dates than I can handle!”

Middle-aged man: “I was the coolest guy in town with my Kia Chia motorcycle. Then, I got married and the bike didn’t fit my lifestyle anymore. I let it grow out a bit, and cut it into a practical sedan. Now my wife is happy, thanks to my Kia Chia.”

Announcer: “Kia Chia. How will you cut it?”

Announcer, speaking extra-fast: "Warranty does not cover grass fires or goat attacks."

Real News

Last night I told you about an item in my hometown's newspaper, the Kings County Record. I'm not convinced that story was newsworthy enough to warrant a full-page in colour in the paper. You decide for yourself.

But there was one event that happened while I was visiting Sussex that didn't even make the paper, and it is HUGE! Way more important than doggy actors.

Last week, I was invited to my sister's house for a delicious dinner. I wanted to contribute something, so I went downtown to get some beer and wine to bring along. It had been storming that day, but by this point, the weather had settled down.

I got to the liquor store and found, to my horror, that there was a sign on the door saying "Closed due to the storm".

WHAT???!!!!

YOU CAN'T CLOSE THE LIQUOR STORE FOR A STORM! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

How did they think people were going to be able to get through the storm without booze?

I'm pretty sure that this is a violation of my Charter rights. I am going to write a strongly-worded letter.

How dare they?

The Virgin and Puppy

So I just got home to Toronto after a couple of weeks "back home" in Sussex, New Brunswick visiting family. It was nice.

Something that caught my eye while I was there was a news story in the local weekly paper, The Kings County Record. It was a full-page. Colour. Must be big news, eh?

Apparently a local canine agility group staged a production of the Nativity story at a church to raise money for an animal shelter in the closest town big enough to have an animal shelter. Nice. A good cause. And so festive

Did I mention that each part in the play was performed by dogs? Check it out.

I heard some people commenting that they felt this was sacreligious or something (keep in mind that this is a rural and conservative area). I don't see it that way. I just think it's bizarre. And it's one thing for people to do it, and for people to come see it. But it's another thing altogether the newspaper to run a FULL-PAGE STORY about dogs dressed up as the three Weimaraner Men. Even in a town of 5,000 there are more important things to put in the newspaper than this. It is not nearly impressive enough to warrant a full page in colour.

You want to impress me? Get the dogs to stage a production of Cats. Then I'll come out to see Bandit's interpretation of the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.