5 Frustrating Things About Being a Man in His 40s

I'm 41. Overall, it's ok, but there are some parts that suck. Here they are:

5. The hair. I took my kids to the barber shop and the barber said to my 6-year-old, "look, there's more hair on your bib that I've cut off your head than Daddy has at all." I said "clearly, Mr. Barber, you've never been to the beach with Daddy."
I could have sworn that the shampoo I bought said it would give my hair more body, not the other way around.
If you're a Star Wars fan, here's a visual: C3P0 from the neck up, Chewie from the neck down.

My two Dads having a special moment.

4.The exhaustion. I used to sleep at night. Now I sleep whenever I can. If I'm reading a book to my kids, and the word "yawn" is in the book, it will make me yawn. In fact, I just yawned each time I typed the word yawn. And there, I did it again. 

3. The peeing. I don't remember the moment that I went from being able to say "I have to pee. I should find a place in which to do so farily soon" to having to say "I HAVE TO PEE! NOW! EMERGENCY!" 

My pee timeline just goes like this: 

1. Don't have to pee... 

2. Don't have to pee... 

3. don't have to pee... 

4. HAVE TO PEE NOW!!!

2.The ass. I haven't had an ass since I hit my 40s. That's not as ass back there. It's a long back with a hole at the bottom. It's like a golf course! And the rough is... well, everywhere. It's a very poorly groomed golf course. 

My theory about the old man disappearing ass is this: you know how sometimes, with women, gravity kicks in even more in certain parts? (if you're a man reading this with your wife, this is the time to say "I have no idea what he means.") Well, I believe that, with men, gravity gives up a little. And the ass just slides up a bit. then it gets all hooked up in the tailbone area, and moves around to the front and just settles in there under the ribcage. This is not my beer belly. This is my ass belly. 

I don't have buns, I have flatbread.

1. The doctor. I swear, if I run into my doctor at the grocery store, my first thought is still "when did I last wash my ass?" in case he decides this is the moment for that test. You know the one.

(Mike Birbiglia was much younger than 40 in this description of that test. But it is still as terrifying.)

Am I the only 40-something man with these frustrations? Any others out there that I should have included?

Don't know much about geography

Earlier this year, I posted about a frozen food brand called "Europe's Best" that alerted me to the fact that Europe had expanded. Since then, I have found more examples. Check this out:





Europe's Best Summer Fruit Salad...





Product of Chile. The latest member of the European Union.



And there's Europe's Best Chef's Spinach:




Product of...



...China.
I missed the headlines about Europe's population explosion.

I hate when companies make their brands an out-and-out lie. It's bad enough that their frozen fruit and vegetables wouldn't make the "best of" list for any continent. But as far as I can see, none of their product is actually Europe's best, second best or even worst.

But then again, I suppose "Earth's Mediocrity" doesn't make a very good brand name.

Safety Lessons

Check out this car I saw in February on Eglinton Avenue in Scarborough.

I HATE when people are too lazy to clean the snow off of their car. What a hazzard, driving behind a blizzard on wheels. And when the car heats up enough that the big mound of snow slides off the back, I don't want to be behind it.

It's almost as dangerous as taking pictures of other cars with your Blackberry while driving, don't you think?

Dog Walking 101

Now that it's warming up and people are getting their dogs out again (See previous post), it's time for a few reminders.

1. If your dog doesn't come when you call, your dog should be on a leash.
2. If your dog is aggressive towards other dogs, your dog should be on a leash.
3. If your dog is aggressive towards people, your dog should be on a leash.
4. If your dog will steal from people's picnics, your dog should be on a leash.
5. If you are walking a dog, YOUR DOG SHOULD BE ON A LEASH!

That about sums it up.

Hairspray, Part 2

Speaking of hairspray, is anyone on the planet actually attracted to hair that looks like it would break if you touched it?

Butt why?

The big sign at the front of the bus that says "Please exit at the rear doors" is clearly too complex for most bus riders to understand.

How hard it it to understand that the whole bus riding process will go much smoother if you get off at the back while people get on at the front? It's very simple physics. Everytime you get off at the front, you slow down the whole bus trip for the rest of us by slowing down the people who are trying to get on. Why do you do this?

I think it comes down to how sexually repressed we still are. Do people really think that it will make them look bad if people see that they enjoy getting off at the back door?

Dear TDSB and TCDSB

Dear Toronto District School Board and Toronto Catholic District School Board,

I wish to request that you add a class to your cirriculum called "Why you should take your big fucking backpack off when you get on the bus."

The textbook could have chapters titled "Hey you little fucker, when you turned around in font of my seat, you hit me in the face with that big fucking backpack" or "You take up as much space as a grotesquely obese person with that backpack on."

Trust me, as a new transit rider, I can testify to the fact that Toronto students need this class.

I would be happy to teach the class, because I am all about doing what's right for our children. And not getting a big fucking backpack jammed into my gut seven times a day.

Llove,

Lloyd

Dear Telemarketers

Dear Telemarketers,

I used to defend you. When people would start bitching about telemarketers, I would say "they're just trying to make some money, just like the rest of us." I even was one of you, when I was a University student, and made fundraising calls for the alumni office.

I have changed my point of view when it comes to telemarketing. Not all telemarketing, but I have come to absolutely hate the growing percentage of companies that are using the latest in telemarketing technology.

I'm sure everyone has had the calls. They go like this:

-Your phone rings.
-You answer it, politely. "Hello?"
-Nothing happens.
-You try again. Still polite. "Hello? Anyone there?"
-Nobody there.
-You give it one last try, a little frustrated now. "Hello?! Is this some kind of joke?"
-There is a clicking sound, as the computer at the other end of the line transfers you to the next available agent.
-"Hello, may I speak with.... (pause as they wait for their computer screen to refresh and tell them who they have called)... Mr. L. ... um.... Rain?"

So, you called me, and you expect me to wait for you? My phone rings, and I have to wait for you to come to the phone? You value my business so much that you couldn't bother to have someone on the line until you are sure that I am going to answer?

Tell you what - next time don't bother to have someone on the line until you are sure you have an offer for me that doesn't suck. First you make me wait for you to come to the phone, then you offer me a credit card at 0.01% below the legal usury limit?

Calling my house and then not actually being there when I answer the phone is the telephone version of "Nickey Nickey Nine Doors". And the next time I get one of these calls, I'm going to react like I would if that's what it was. I'm going to shout "stop ringing my bell and running away, you pesky kids!"

I am going to tell my friends to do the same thing. And to tell their friends. It will become a movement. And I will be the leader of the movement. And maybe one day, all the telemarketing companies will be forced to go back to having someone on the line to offer barely legal credit cards to me as soon as I answer the phone. That's all I ask.

Llove,

Lloyd

Things that bother me, part 49

I have to get this off of my chest. It's old news, and I meant to write about it last summer, and didn't. Then I decided too much time had passed and it wouldn't be relevant anymore, so I decided not to post it. But it's been eating away at me and I can't resist posting it anymore.

Here's the thing. Last summer, Bell Canada had an ad stuck on the bus shelter across the road from my house. It had a picture of the Bell Canada spokesbeavers, looking at phonebooks. The caption said "From A to Z, the calls are free."

That's just silly. It looks like it should rhyme, but it doesn't. At least not in Canada. The only place in the world where that would rhyme is in the U.S.

The only way that could rhyme in any other country in the world would be to change it to "From A to Z, all the calls are Fred." And that would be really stupid.

So, is Bell Canada leading some secret campaign to change the last letter in the alphabet from the proper "zed" to the American "zee"? If so, why? What's in it for them?

I'm not waiting to find out. I switched my phone service from Bell Canada to protest their re-writing the alphabet. You should switch your phone too, before they start forcing us to spell things like "humor" and "neighbor" or, even worse, pronounce the thing on the top of our houses as "ruff"!

Don't say I didn't warn you when your kids come home from school with an F on their report cards because of bad behaviour behavior.

Shut that kid up!

My son, who turned 3 last month, has only recently gotten into watching TV. We didn't really turn it on for him very often, so he never really cared. But, as he's gotten older, he's become more and more interested in cartoons. He loves Little Bear, Franklin, The Backyardigans and, Diego.

Having watched all of these shows with him on several occasions, I have noticed one thing. I think someone who works on the Diego show needs to take that kid in to get his ears tested. I once knew a kid who shouted all the time, and her parents took her in to get little tube thingies in her ears and now her hearing is better and the shouting is gone. I assume Diego's shouting issue comes from a similar problem.

If someone doesn't take that kid in to get his ears checked soon, I'm calling child services. I mean it!

I cried because I had $10 shoes

I had to buy shoes for my son. Usually, we have to buy good shoes, because of his problems walking. But these were shoes to fit over the little braces he wears on his legs a few hours a day (properly called Ankle-Foot Orthotics, or AFOs). So, his physiotherapist suggested that we buy cheap shoes from Wal-Mart, as they tend to be the ones that work best with the braces. So, I finaly find the shoe section in the massive Wal-Mart on Eglinton Avenue in Scarborough. This store is bigger than my hometown. I'm standing there, looking at the shoes, trying to find a pair that will fit the braces properly, and in the 15 minutes that I was there, no less than 5 women came through and said "Look at these prices! Who does Wal-Mart think they are, charging so much for shoes? It's a crime!" and then storm off.

There isn't a pair of kids shoes there for more than $20.00! Where are these women buying their kids' shoes? Are they making them at home? Where else can you get shoes for $10? I know, some people can't even afford $10 shoes. But each of these women was dressed in designer clothes that cost a lot more than $10, from stores that look and smell a lot nicer than Wal-Mart. At what point do you say "I can't spend $10 on my kid's shoes, because then I would come up short for the silver sequined top and matching bracelet that I saw at Le Chateau?

Maybe I just don't get it because I would look like shit in the silver sequined top from Le Chateau.

Happy Belated Birthday, Canada

Happy belated Canada Day, everyone. Well, not everyone.

I have a different message for the people who decided that the best way to celebrate the 140th birthday of our country was to spend the day in a beautiful park (say, for instance, Thomson Park in Scarborough, near my house), having a picnic and leaving their picnic garbage scattered everywhere in the park that they had thought earlier in the day was a lovely enough park for them to enjoy a family outing in. Then, when the sun went down, they decided to set off some fireworks right outside my two-year old's bedroom window, waking him up. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a complete scrooge. I am more than willing to spend a few sleepless hours shushing my son back to sleep while people celebrate our great country's birthday. But after they were done waking my whole family with their fireworks, why couldn't they pick up the little tubes and the empty boxes and bags and food bits that ended up scattered around the field while they were celebrating? Is Canada good enough to celebrate, but not good enough to keep clean? JUST PICK UP YOUR STUFF AND TAKE IT TO THE TRASH CAN AFTER YOUR PICNIC AND FIREWORKS!!!

To those people, my beleated Canada Day message is: I hope your Uncle Fred undercooked the hamburgers on the barbecue, giving the whole family a bad dose of e. coli and leaving you all relying on dialysis for the rest of your life.

Once again, to everyone who cleaned up after themselves after their celebrations: Happy Belated Canada Day.

Llove,

Lloyd

An Open Letter

To the fat, dirty dude with messed up teeth and a starving girlfriend (cousin?) who I saw at the Emergency department at Scarborough General Hospital a couple of weeks ago:

As you stood there, under the big sign that said "TRIAGE", loudly calling the nurse an "ignorant bitch" because she checked in the woman who looked to be near death before she checked in your girlfriend with a tummy ache, I wanted to suggest that you make a trip to the library to look up triage in the dictionary (because I just assumed that you don't have a dictionary at home). Then, I looked at you again and decided that the odds of you knowing where to find the local library were almost as slim as the odds of you knowing how to read.

Also, please do us all a big favour next time, and try to find a shirt that fits. Or if you only have ill-fitting shirts, maybe if you are going out into public, you could wear the one without mysterious stains all over the front of it.

Thankssomuch!

Llove,

Lloyd

It's Fun To Obsess At The YMCA

So, as you know, if you've been following along, I'm trying to lose some weight. (If you haven't been following along, you can catch up here). So far this year, 25 lbs gone.

Part of the strategy has been to join the local YMCA and go exercise as often as possible. Whenever I go up there, I try to run about 5 km on the track there. At first, I thought that running inside was lame, but I actually kind of like it.

Anyhow, I've noticed that there are a lot of people running or walking the track there who have certain little obsessive things that they have to do as they go around and around. For instance, some people who walk the track, have a need, at every curve, to leave the inside "walking only" lane, and walk in the outside "running only" lane. This makes them feel better, so whatever. Some people feel a need to zig-zag back and forth every second lap. They all have their own little thing that they need to do.

I have a little thing that I need to do too while I'm there. I NEED TO RUN AROUND THE TRACK! GET OUT OF MY WAY AND STOP WITH THE LANE CHANGING AND ZIG ZAGGING! FREAKS.

Spread it evenly, please

I know this is old news, but I haven't had time to blog about it, so get off my back, ok?

Canada's elected Members of Parliament decided recently to make good use of taxpayers' dollars to debate whether Hockey Canada should have made Shane Doan the captain of Team Canada at the world championships. It was alleged that Doan made derogatory comments about a French-Canadian referee at a game in December 2005. The argument that some opposition members put forward is that someone who uses this kind of language should not be representing Canada as the captain of the national team.

Hockey legend and Liberal MP, Ken Dryden, argued that since Hockey Canada receives funding from the Government of Canada, they should be accountable to the Government. Maybe this makes sense. Maybe. But this isn't the point. The point is that Shane Doan was cleared by the NHL and by Hockey Canada of any wrongdoing in this event. It doesn't mean that he didn't say it, but it means that they couldn't prove that he did.

What is he accused of saying? I saw Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois, on CBC News saying that Doan had said "you fucking French frog...or something like that." Or something like that. So we aren't even sure what he is accused of saying.

So, the Hockey Canada officials were called before a House of Commons committee to explain why Doan was named team captain.

So, let me get this straight. If you are ever accused of maybe, who knows, he could have done it, possibly saying something inappropriate, or not, any government-funded organization that puts you in any position of authority should have to justify their decision to a committee of politicians. Ken Dryden says so. And the members of Canadian Parliament voted unanimously in agreement.

OK, then. The Liberal Party of Canada receives funding from the Government of Canada. The deputy leader of the Liberal Party, Michael Ignatieff, has been accused by Ukrainian-Canadians and by Israeli-Canadians of making inappropriate statements about each group.

Considering that the elected members of Parliament all voted in favour of this logic, it only seems fair that representatives of the Liberal Party be called before a Commons committee to explain why they chose him as their representative in the riding of Etobicoke-Lakeshore and as their deputy leader.

I am sending a link to this blog to the offices of my local Member of Parliament, the Prime Minister, the leader of the Liberal Party, the NDP and the Bloc Quebecois, and of course, Dryden and Ignatieff, to encourage them to put this important issue on the schedule during an upcoming Parliamentary debate. You can look up your local MP here and do the same. (Copy these addresses: Harper.S@parl.gc.ca, Dion.S@parl.gc.ca, Layton.J@parl.gc.ca, Dryden.K@parl.gc.ca, Ignatieff.M@parl.gc.ca)

Also, if you know of any other MPs who have been accused of maybe, possibly, saying something inappropriate, but there isn't any proof that they said it, you should encourage your local representative to introduce a motion in Parliament that their position in Parliament is debated.

I think it's important that we let politicians know that we want them to be fair about the way that they waste time and tax dollars. They can't just pick on the hockey players. They need to spread the bullshit evenly, or maybe they should just get back to debating the important things. Like whether or not Peter called Belinda a dog.

SUV Sophistication

I recently saw a TV commercial for the Chrysler Aspen.

The idea was that they took the letters in the word Aspen and, one-by-one, they made new words out of them, each describing the vehicle.

Attitude
ASpohistication
ASPerformance
ASPElegance
ASPENew

Now, I realize that you are only supposed to look at the words starting with the last letter from the word Aspen in that particular row. There is no such word as "asperformance", you are just supposed to read from the 'P' on.

But they had to have been able to find something better than "aspohistication". Not a great descriptor for a product you are trying to sell. The base word, sophistication, means sophisticated character, ideas, tastes, or ways as the result of education, worldly experience, etc, according to Dictionary.com. And the prefix a, means not, without, according to englishclub.com.

So it looks to me like Chrysler (or at least their ad agency) is describing the Aspen as being "without sophistication". Lacking sophisticated ideas or ways. No education, worldly experience, etc. They're making it sound downright stupid.

I can't imagine how that would slip past everyone involved in creating and approving this commercial. Does nobody critically review the copy of their ads? I'm sure they don't want people to think that their SUV is anything but highly sophisticated.

Then again, when they considered the part in the definition about "sophisticated ideas...as the result of education..." they realized that, with the US Department of Energy ranking the Aspen as one of the worst vehicles available in terms of greenhouse gas emissions, saying that the Aspen is lacking sophistication might have been exactly what they meant.

Dear The Glad Products Company

Thank you for making GladWare Containers. My wife and I bought two packages of them. They're great for putting stuff in. Stuff like leftover potatoes. Or carrots. Even leftover sauces of various flavours. One time I put bread crumbs in one of them when I ground up too much bread when I was making a breading thing for some trout. My point is, these containers hold stuff really well.

I also wanted to point out that I really think you chose a great name for this product. Not only because it makes me feel glad to have a great place to put my stuff. But because I feel so extremely glad (giddy, even) when I finally get the lid off of them without breaking it. The engineering expertise it must have taken to make those lids so difficult to get off is really very impressive.

But seriously, the joke's over. I need my bread crumbs! I'm making my special fried chicken this weekend, but I need the breadcrumbs. How do I get my stuff out of your containers?

Llove,

Lloyd

Why clean today what you can clean in 50 or so years?

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted October 20, 2006

I was planning to write something about recent announcements from Canada's environment minister, Rona Ambrose. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't say it any better than the CBC's Rick Mercer.

So, rather than do any actual work on the topic, I will let the linkie-links do the work for me.

Watch these videos.

Rick's rant from October 10. (By the way - I was at the taping of this episode, and it was a lot of fun)

Rick's rant from October 17.

A future "Canadian Heritage Moment".

Even if the Canadian environment isn't in good hands, at least the Canadian funny bone is.

One thing I would like to add is that from now on, when something is all fucked up, we should refer to it as "all Ambrosed up". It has a nice ring to it, eh?

Premature Honkulation

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted September 15, 2006.

I used to have a blog where, among other things, I did a semi-regular thing called "Firing Squad Friday" where I nominated a group of people I hate to be put in front of a firing squad. The site that hosted that free blog disapeared suddenly, so the blog is gone. But trust me, it was hilarious.

There was one group of people who were mentioned on that blog who I think should be discussed again. They are the premature honkers. If you are one of these people, I hate you.

Sitting at a red light, behind someone. Hand hovering over the horn. The light is red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Gr..HONK!!!!

FUCK OFF! I can see that it's green. It's been green for about a third of a second! GET YOUR FUCKING HAND OFF OF THE HORN! I'm going! Sorry it took me two thirds of a second to react.

If I could pick a fate for these assholes, it would be that they spend eternity sitting at an intersection behind my Uncle George, who has fallen asleep at the wheel waiting for the light to change again.