Help Me Help Children's Hospitals in Canada

This is one of my all-time favourite pictures. 

Eric was on a weekend pass from a particularly long hospital stay, after his second and third strokes, back-to-back. He and I were so relieved to be home that we were asleep on the couch in minutes. 

Those were very difficult and terrifying days, watching Eric go through severe medical emergencies at such a young age. But thanks to extremely hard work of pediatric doctors and nurses and therapists (we stopped counting when Eric had been seen by more than 100 doctors from several different specialties by age 4), Eric's health has been pretty stable for the past few years.

That's why I decided to donate a portion of each sale from downloads of my 1-hour solo show Funny, Daddy to Children's Miracle Network, helping children's hospitals across Canada, as my way of saying "thank you for saving this kid's life". 

The show itself is the story of the ups and downs of my time as a parent, and Eric's hospital stays and the wonderful care that we received during those stays, play a big role in the story. I do find an opportunity to roast the medical community a little, too (in a loving way, of course).

I appreciate the support I've had on this so far, and I would love it if a great big pile of my friends and family jumped on board today with a $5 purchase. I know literally hundreds of you have sent me messages saying "I wish I could see that show" when it was touring around the Maritimes. Well, now's your chance.
It's easy. You can pay with a credit card or PayPal athttp://bayoffunny.com/index.php/funny-daddy-dvd

Or, you can send an interac e-mail transfer to NoLloydering@gmail.com.

You'll receive a download link in your email shortly after paying.

Thanks!

Llove,

Lloyd

I pick the lady in the Nun's Habit

Taken at the NB Antique Auto Association giant flea market in Sussex, NB Canada, 2010

Advertising so bold, I will gag

Is it just me, or is the current billboard campaign for Bullseye Barbecue Sauce the least appetizing advertising for a food product ever?

SAUCE SO BOLD PORK WILL PULL ITSELF

Now, I love me a pulled pork sandwich. mmmm. But the idea of pork "pulling itself" puts two, equally revolting images in my head.

First, I imagine a sad little piggy, cutting off its own shoulder, slow-roasting it, basted in a little Bullseye and then pulling it apart (one-handed of course) into tender pieces for my sandwich. I think it would be hard to eat while Porky is crying in the corner.

Secondly, and even more disturbingly, I imagine a pig tasting the sauce and finding it so amazing that he can't resist, ummm, "pulling" himself. By that, I mean pulling one specific part of himself. You know. Down in his bathing-suit area. If pigs wore bathing suits. And if pigs had opposable thumbs.

I love barbecue sauce, however I have never found the flavour to be erotic, but apparently it is like oysters to a pig.

I just hope that the next campaign isn't Bullseye's all-new Hollandaise sauce.

Misplaced Generosity

I took this picture in the bathroom of an Esso station (yes, I was that desperate that I visited a bathroom in an Esso)

If this washroom isn't up to your standards, please tell us. And accept a free air freshener as our thanks.

I decided to donate the air freshener back to the cause. I think they need it more than I do.

To me, this sign is like having a sign in a restaurant saying "if you don't like our food, please let us know. and accept an enrollment in a culinary class as our thanks." Or a hospital saying "if our doctors don't fix what ails you, let us know and we'll give you a medical kit to take home with you."

Book Learning

During a recent stay in Toronto's Hospital for Sick Children (Sick Kids) for my son Eric, we brought some favourite books with us, and also borrowed some books from the reading room. I noticed that when they were lined up on the bookshelf in his room, there was a secret message on the library's stickers on the side of the books.

Are these books homophobic, trying to get me all riled up by questioning my sexuality? It didn't work, books! I'm not in grade 8, so calling me "Gay Boy" doesn't hurt my feelings!

I didn't know he worked in a grocery store

I saw this sign on a display of apples at my local grocery store.

Apples McIntosh FCY

The FCY part threw me off. I know that it means "Fancy" which is a grade of apples. But when I read it, I thought it was saying "Fucky" which is what angry stand-up comedian Darren Frost often calls audience members. For a split second, I thought Darren had been hired to write these things. Which would be awesome. I also imagine he'd put up signs like:

"They're carrots, dumbfuck."

"These are condoms, please use them so we don't get little fuckies like you."

"It's chocolate cake. You might as well eat the whole thing, lard ass."

"This is non-alcoholic beer. Pussy."

Maybe Quilting is More Exciting Than I Thought

A relative, who is quite into quilting, and has made tons of amazing quilts, had the following quilting book out in her living room when I visited recently:

Strip Therapy 4

That sounds like some therapy I could get into. I wonder if my insurance plan would reimburse me for the receipts, since it would be for therapeutic purposes?

On behalf of all mankind

In my apartment building, people who don't want stuff anymore bring the stuff to the laundry room in case someone else wants it. There's always all kinds of junk, maybe a couple of good things (I grabbed some cars for the boys one day). But we live in a building mostly populated by elderly people, so there are a lot of old books dropped off. I can just imagine the thought process: "you never know who might need a step-by-step guide to how to operate a Commodore 64!"

Here's a book I found there one day:

"Dvorak's Guide to PC Telecommunications"

Published in 1990.

The next picture is too blurry to actually read, but important to the story:

The dedication says "For all mankind".

Wow, if we'd only known years ago that this guy had given us such a gift. Imagine what a different world we might live in today.

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,

I appreciate your efforts to save our planet, with your "One meal, one napkin" program:

"May we suggest that you use one napkin per meal?"

Thanks for the suggestion, McDonald's.

If you want us to stick to one napkin per meal, may we suggest that you ensure some kind of consistency in your ketchup application? If I knew that there would only be one squirt of ketchup on each quarter pounder, I could feel confident grabbing only one napkin. But one in three quarter pounders has at least three squirts of ketchup, two of which end up on my chin.

Also, since we're making environmentally friendly suggestions, may we suggest that when we say "no thanks" to the "do you want ketchup?" question, that you don't put 40 ketchup packets in the bag. Imagine how many tomatoes are thrown out around the world every day in the form of 40 ketchup packets per drive through visit, plus the extra ketchup squirts on the quarter pounders. Next time there is a tomato shortage, we know who to blame.

Thanks so much. Llove,

Lloyd

Interesting spelling

This is a picture of a label on a shelf containing various kinds of medical equipment in the emergency room at Toronto's Hospital for Sick Children (Sick Kids).

All I could think when I read it was "I've seen it spelled Catherine, Katherine, Kathryn, but never quite like this." I guess it's one of those new, trendy ways of spelling names. If we ever have a third baby, this name might be in the running.

Then again...

My last blog post talked about how progressive I thought New Brunswick must be. I mean Moncton has a street named after a drag queen! But then again, I have also seen evidence that in some areas of NB, the French community (particularly the children) are treated unfairly. For example, have a look at these signs at  the McDonald's in Edmunston, NB:

So English kids are allowed to play in the play area until they are 12, but French kids can only play up to age 10? What's up, McDonald's? Something against French pre-teens? If I was a francophone parent in Edmundston, I would be protesting!

Very progressive

Here's a picture I took way back in December (2009), through a dirty car windshield, in Moncton, New Brunswick.

The street name on the bottom of the sign is Rue Paul St. Wow. A town in New Brunswick naming a street after a drag queen! People might assume that NB is pretty conservative, but I think that's a sign that NB is a very welcoming place. Between being the only "officially" bilingual province in Canada and this street name, NB is probably the most liberal place in the country.

Closure

I bank with President's Choice Financial, a retail bank operated by CIBC. Every time I use the bank machine, I get nervous because I'm afraid they are trying to get rid of me. Trying to suggest that I take my business elsewhere. If you bank with PC, do you feel the same way, whenever you see this at the end of your transaction?

"Your transaction is complete. Would you like to continue banking?"

I'm always worried that if I select "No" to indicate that I am finished banking for now, they will take it to mean "No, I am finished banking forever. Go ahead and close my account." Is that being overly paranoid?

Vague

If you are in Canada, who do you use for cable TV? If you use Rogers, have you been able to access their on-demand channel? I have had a hard time with it beacuase when you go to channel 100, it just says:

"Press A Key for On Demand". Sounds like you can select any old key. But I have tried pressing almost every key on the remote:

and it's not working. Any advice?

A picture says 1000 words

Just how bad are things in the automobile industry? This picture I took on my Blackbery back in August (2009) gives a pretty good idea:

"CLEAROUT: New 2007 Dodge Dakota Ext Cab"

If, in August 2009, with the 2010 models coming out any day now, you are finally trying to clear out your 2007 models, maybe you have a bit of an inventory planning problem.

Imagine going on Dragon's Den, or Shark Tank and saying "I am looking for your investment in my company so I can manufacture enough inventory to sit around for at least three or four years." After telling you that you are a "crazy chicken" and making you look like an idiot for a while, the Dragons or Sharks would, one after another, say something like "this just isn't a good business model, so I'm out."

Of course having a bad business model in the auto industry is a pretty minor detail. If you can't sell your shitty, oversized, gas guzzling trucks, just about every major government in the world will simply give you the money that you couldn't figure out how to actually earn.

I don't have cars that nobody wants to buy, but I do have an inventory of blog posts that nobody wants to read. Maybe I could qualify for a bailout?

Of course you do

A picture taken on my Blackberry on August 8, 2009 in Richmond Hill, Ontario.

"We do implants. Ask Inside"

It's a good thing they included the company name (Richmond Hill Dentistry), or I would have no idea what knid of implants this sign is advertising. It's like a retaurant ad with a bunch of guys in Speedo shorts and the slogan saying "We have sausages."

In this economy, diets are changing

A picture taken on my Blackberry at the Real Canadian Superstore at Don Mills and Eglinton in Toronto:

"Cooking and your Community: Kid Cooking Classes"

I wonder when the Superstore marketing team identified "Fairy Tale Witches" as their target market?

Advertising is for the dogs

Here's a picture I took on my Blackberry of a billboard at the Eaton Centre in Toronto on August 2, 2009:



It is advertising a playday for Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. A playday for dogs. Advertised on a billboard in a busy mall in downtown Toronto. Best billboard ad sales guy ever.

Unreasonable terms

Taken on my Blackberry at Sobey's grocery store in Sussex, New Brunswick:



Ready when you are Frozen Food.

I hope never to be Frozen Food, so I guess Sobey's will never be ready. It just seems unfair.

This whole court's out of order!

Taken on my Blackberry at the All Seasons Restaurant in Sussex, New Brunswick on July 24, 2009.
A bad day to have had a couple of beers with my meal.