Swingers Club

Have you ever been to a swingers bar? Ever wondered what it's like? Here's a video I made about a couple who visited a swingers bar for the first time.

Best Intersection Ever

I love how things sometimes happen by accident but look like they're planned. For instance, at the intersection of Queen and Coxwell in Toronto there are two porn shops. So the slogan should be "Come to Queen and Coxwell to find everything you need to make a Queen's Coxwell."

Think it through

Men and women are different. It's true. Maybe someday a stand up comic will expand on this theory and do some comedy about the differences between men and women. That would be refreshing.

I first became aware of this apparent difference between men and women recently, when I noticed that my friend Rebecca and I had each reacted differently to a news story. Perhaps it's because of our gender, I said. I think I might be onto something.

She had e-mailed me a link to a news article from Reuters about a guy in Poland who nipped into the local brothel (maybe he made a mistake and thought it was something else, like a Registered Massage Therapist that he could claim on his employee health benefits plan. I'm not sure, but I think we can give him the benefit of the doubt). When he got inside, he couldn't help but notice that one of the "service providers" happened to be his lovely wife of 14 years. He immediately asked her what she was doing there.

Check it out.

So Rebecca's reaction to this story was "question is, what are YOU doing here?" Fair enough. I guess I can see how that question would eventually come up. But the first thing I thought when I read the story was entirely different. I focused in on the last line in the article.

"The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported."

He's divorcing her? That's not so bright. He just earned a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card. For the rest of his life, he can come home, smelling like the brothel and if she says anything he can say "Hey, you used to work there! How many guys did you get it on with in a night while you worked there? Know how many of your former colleagues I had the sexings with tonight? Only one, because I am so full of self-restraint."

He didn't think it through before going ahead with the divorce. Should have called me for advice.

Reality Blogging

As I mentioned recently, I watch some girly television shows. I admit it, so shut up.

So, on a related note, am I the only one who answers Tyra Banks during the opening sequence to America's Next Top Model? It goes like this:

A picture of a hot model flashes across the screen

Tyra: "You wanna be on top?"

Me: "Sure, if that's how she likes it."

A picture of another hot model flashes across the screen

Tyra: "You wanna be on top?"

Me: "I dunno. I think that one would look great on top."

Etc.

Immature? My wife thinks so. I prefer to think I'm just being honest.

Misunderstandings

I've blogged before about how a simple misunderstanding can make you feel pretty silly. (Here and also here).

Recently, it's happened again. Mrs. Lloyd and I were both on the verge of falling to sleep. She had one leg draped over one of my legs. Wanting to be sure that this position didn't hurt, she asked me "is this hard on your leg?"

I misunderstood, and replied "no, this hardon is my penis. But thanks for the compliment."

Get the Kleenex

I got an e-mail this evening from my friend Caran that started with one phrase: "Get the Kleenex". This opening line was followed by a forwarded e-mail. With a heading like that, I couldn't resist. So, I grabbed a tissue (actually I grabbed a handful, just in case) and scrolled down.

There was the nicest story about a little boy who went to see Santa Claus at the mall. He brought with him a photo of his sister, because she wanted so badly to be with Santa, but she was in the hospital and not expected to survive lukemia.

Santa agreed to go visit the girl after his shift at the mall. The department store assistant manager drove him to the children's hospital where little Sarah got her Christmas wish and sat and chatted with Santa.

Old Kris Kringle choked back tears as he hugged the poor little girl, whose hair was falling out, but whose spirit was still strong. Before he left, he prayed with her and her family, and made her promise to get better and come see him next year at the mall. Then, he left and he and his boss had a good cry.

Next Christmas, a girl sat on his lap and introduced herself as Sarah, the girl from the cancer ward at the hospital last year. Dear old Santa cried, and thanked Jesus for answering his prayers. It was such a touching story.

But I still don't understand why Caran advised me to get Kleenex before reading that story. There was no porn in that e-mail. Unless Caran forgot to attach the porn.

NO PORN! This is why I hate Christmas.

Llove,

Lloyd

Kids, don't try this at home (or in a restaurant)

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted October 17, 2006.

Last evening, Mrs. Lloyd, Llittle Lloyd and I were at a local eatery. After the server brought our 20 month-old his pasta, he started blowing kisses to her, one of his current favourite games.

My wife said "oh, are you blowing her kisses because she brought your yummy dinner?"

I said "or is it because she has an amazing ass?"

Or at least, that's what I wanted to say, but then my life flashed before my eyes, ending with a very violent death involving garlic bread and spoons. I had the common sense to say "isn't that cute?" instead.

As I have said on my blog before, the key to a good marraige is keeping your stupid mouth shut.

PS - By "Isn't that cute" I meant the waitress' butt.

Cherries!

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted July 13 2006.

I was at the grocery store last week, and as I walked in, there was a big display of beautiful, fresh cherries. Now, I loves me some cherries, so I stopped and started filling a bag. MMMMM!

Then, this cougar-type rocker chick (she kind of looked like Sass Jordan) stepped up next to me. She started going through the cherries, but I noticed that she wasn't putting any of them in a bag. Just picking them up, looking at them and putting them back. Over and over again, just going through all of the cherries.

Finally, I said to her "Lady, give it up. I guarantee yours isn't in there. You didn't misplace it on prom night in 1979, you lost it. Don't live in the past, man."

Notes from the "I'm glad I decided not to say it" file

Copied from my MySpace blog. First posted sometime in July (I forgot to check the date before I deleted it from MySpace).

Mrs. Lloyd and I stopped into the Boardwalk Pub last week for lunch. We sat out on the patio and enjoyed the nice weather and jalapeno poppers. Just before our food came, my wife said "we should change places, so you get a nice view of the lake for a while."

I turned around and looked out towards the lake. I saw the water, and a few people enjoying the park, but nothing remarkable. Then I looked back at the view I had of the server's station where several waitresses were assembled and fought the urge to say "no thanks, the view is better from here" and instead said "no, that's ok. You've had a long week, you enjoy the view."

Thinking before you speak is the cornerstone of a successful marraige.

Blue Alert! Beautiful.

This blog entry was copied from my MySpace blog, originally posted May 9, 2006

Note: I apologize in advance for the artsy, sensitive blog entry. I know this will surprise you, but I am very artsy and sensitive.

Blue Alert is not a warning about a stand-up comedy routine that contains mature subject matter and course language. No, it is the title of the new CD by Anjani(Leonard Cohen's ladyfriend). And guess who bought it on the weekend? Three guesses. No, it's not him. No. No. You really suck at this game, don't you? It was me!

It is a beautiful CD. This chick can sing. Manalive! Beautiful lyrics.

Check out these lyric samples, they are beautiful:

- Track 5 - Nightengale:

I built my house beside the wood
So I could hear you singing
And it was sweet and it was good
And love was all beginning

Beautiful, eh?

-Track 8 - The Mist

As the mist leaves no scar
On the dark green hill
So my body leaves no scar
On you, nor ever will

Chillingly beautiful.

-Track 10 - Thanks for the Dance

It was fine it was fast
I was first I was last
In line at the
Temple of Pleasure
But the green was so green
And the blue was so blue
I was so I
And you were so you
The crisis was light
As a feather

I really love that song. So beautiful.

-Track 9 - Crazy to Love You

I had to go crazy to love you
You who were never the one
Whom I chased through the
Souvenir heartache
My braids and my blouse all undone

Now we're talking! If there's one thing I like better than beautiful lyrics sung by a beautiful woman with a beautiful voice, it's beautiful lyrics sung by a beautiful woman with a beautiful voice about her boobies peeking out!

- Track 4 - Half the Perfect World

Every night she'd come to me
I'd cook for her; I'd pour her tea
She was in her thirties then
Had made some money, lived with men

We'd lay us down to give and get
Beneath the white mosquito net
And since no counting had begun
We lived a thousand years in one

AWESOME! GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION! BEAUTIFUL!!!

Go buy this album - beautiful, sensitive lyrics about lesbos! You'll love it.

Anyhow, sorry again for the deep, artsy post. I promise that my next blog post will be less serious..

Anyhow, sorry again for the deep, artsy post.  I promise that my next blog post will be less serious..