BS doesn't kill people

Imagine if the PR people behind the gun lobby started branching out into other industries. How much fun would it be to take the whole "yes, we designed a weapon whose sole purpose is to kill human beings, but we don't advocate killing human beings, and besides you have the right to have these things, so get lots of them!" to, say, the automobile industry.

Picture the fun press conferences:

"Today, we're announcing the new feature on all of our cars: the sharpened bumper. It is much more efficient in taking down pedestrians. Not that we are in favour of killing pedestrians, but it's your right to have a device that could kill pedestrians in the most efficient manner possible. They can take our pedestrian-killers from us when they pry the keys from our cold, dead, hands"

Or the food industry:

"This new product is designed to give all of your dinner guests a fatal form of food posioning. Not that we suggest you use it for that purpose, but this is a matter of basic rights!"

Or the family planning industry:

"These condoms will shoot deadly darts into your lover. Of course, you will only use them for target practice, but don't let the commie pinkos tell you it's wrong to own them!"

Just imagine the batshit-crazy anti-Obama ads they could write.Or the nifty ways they could blame the misuse of these products on homosexuality, Islamification of America, or Super Mario.

Anyway, I was just thinking about that. And that's my right.

A strange way to make a statement

Someone at Jodi's work recommended fuZion wine, so she bought a bottle. I wasn't impressed. But then I looked at the name again. Not only was it not so great wine, but it is anti-semetic!

F.U. Zion? Who takes out their hatred of Zionists by starting up a winery? That's odd.

Cuba's New Revolution

Protesting in Revolution Square for more rights for husbands.

A Realization

I totally recognize that dude. Who is he?

Oh yeah, the guy from the t-shirts!




See?


Jodi, come get our picture taken with the dude from the t-shirts.

Best Museum Display Ever

At the Museo De La Revolucion in Havana, Cuba

The note to George Bush Sr. says "Thanks, cretin because you've helped us TO CONSOLIDATE OUR REVOLUTION". The note to Ronald Reagan next to it is similar.

Next Stop: World Domination

Apparently, in Texas these days, it isn't cool to use racial slurs anymore. Welcome to modern times, Texas!

Although, to be fair, it's not like they're not being racist anymore. It's just that they are trying not to get caught being racist. So, instead of using everyone's favourite racial slurs, like the N word, they have decided to come up with a code. The key to cracking the code isn't too hard. They just picked one word, and substituted it for all of the racial slurs they didn't want to be heard uttering anymore. That word: Canadian. Click here for the whole story.

It's about time someone down there noticed us! I feel so honoured that our country has become such an important part of the South's time-honoured tradition of bigotry!

This information has helped me make up my mind as to who I will be cheering on in the U.S. elections. I really hope Barak Obama wins. Because wouldn't it be cool to finally have a Canadian in the White House?

See?

It's only a matter of time before we will start living what we used to think of as science fiction. Just look at what I reported in my blog yesterday here. You don't think that proves that humankind is on the verge of major space exploration and meeting aliens? Well, consider the fact that U.S. Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich claims to have seen a UFO! PROOF! I mean, we all know that crazy people don't run for President.

Why aren't the news agencies reporting this?

I was happy to see this image on my tv screen recently. I had to take a picture of it. I knew that the world was about to change for the better, for ever. But since then, I haven't seen any news reports about it. I don't know why. It's huge! I suppose it's being kept a secret so the general population doesn't freak out just yet. But they couldn't keep it from my eagle eyes. Check out what I noticed - the crisis in Pakistan is about to get straightened out. Because Starfleet is on the job!

I guess it's no time before the Klingons arrive.

Happy Belated Independence Day

Since I did a Happy Belated Canada Day blog post yesterday, and since I am too lazy to write a whole new blog, I am posting a Happy Belated Independence Day blog today in honour of all of my American blog readers. I hope you all had a great July 4.

To show support for my American brothers, I am simply going to post a link to a previous blog that I posted, with American content in it. That is my (belated) 4th of July present to you all. Click here.

Llove,

Lloyd

Spread it evenly, please

I know this is old news, but I haven't had time to blog about it, so get off my back, ok?

Canada's elected Members of Parliament decided recently to make good use of taxpayers' dollars to debate whether Hockey Canada should have made Shane Doan the captain of Team Canada at the world championships. It was alleged that Doan made derogatory comments about a French-Canadian referee at a game in December 2005. The argument that some opposition members put forward is that someone who uses this kind of language should not be representing Canada as the captain of the national team.

Hockey legend and Liberal MP, Ken Dryden, argued that since Hockey Canada receives funding from the Government of Canada, they should be accountable to the Government. Maybe this makes sense. Maybe. But this isn't the point. The point is that Shane Doan was cleared by the NHL and by Hockey Canada of any wrongdoing in this event. It doesn't mean that he didn't say it, but it means that they couldn't prove that he did.

What is he accused of saying? I saw Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois, on CBC News saying that Doan had said "you fucking French frog...or something like that." Or something like that. So we aren't even sure what he is accused of saying.

So, the Hockey Canada officials were called before a House of Commons committee to explain why Doan was named team captain.

So, let me get this straight. If you are ever accused of maybe, who knows, he could have done it, possibly saying something inappropriate, or not, any government-funded organization that puts you in any position of authority should have to justify their decision to a committee of politicians. Ken Dryden says so. And the members of Canadian Parliament voted unanimously in agreement.

OK, then. The Liberal Party of Canada receives funding from the Government of Canada. The deputy leader of the Liberal Party, Michael Ignatieff, has been accused by Ukrainian-Canadians and by Israeli-Canadians of making inappropriate statements about each group.

Considering that the elected members of Parliament all voted in favour of this logic, it only seems fair that representatives of the Liberal Party be called before a Commons committee to explain why they chose him as their representative in the riding of Etobicoke-Lakeshore and as their deputy leader.

I am sending a link to this blog to the offices of my local Member of Parliament, the Prime Minister, the leader of the Liberal Party, the NDP and the Bloc Quebecois, and of course, Dryden and Ignatieff, to encourage them to put this important issue on the schedule during an upcoming Parliamentary debate. You can look up your local MP here and do the same. (Copy these addresses: Harper.S@parl.gc.ca, Dion.S@parl.gc.ca, Layton.J@parl.gc.ca, Dryden.K@parl.gc.ca, Ignatieff.M@parl.gc.ca)

Also, if you know of any other MPs who have been accused of maybe, possibly, saying something inappropriate, but there isn't any proof that they said it, you should encourage your local representative to introduce a motion in Parliament that their position in Parliament is debated.

I think it's important that we let politicians know that we want them to be fair about the way that they waste time and tax dollars. They can't just pick on the hockey players. They need to spread the bullshit evenly, or maybe they should just get back to debating the important things. Like whether or not Peter called Belinda a dog.

Brilliant Political Commentary

The headline in today's Saint John, NB Telegraph Journal has a quote from the leader of the Provincial Progressive Conservative Party leader, Jeannot Volpé, regarding the Province's Liberal Government's recent budget. The Liberals seem to have given him plenty of ammunition, with tax increases and unexplained funding increases for the Office of the Premier and etc. But with all of that, the best commentary that this seasoned politician could muster was splashed in large font across the front page, saying "It's just so stupid."

Brilliant analysis, sir. I can see that Her Majesty's Official Opposition in the Province of New Brunswick is in good hands.

I can just imagine Mr. Volpé and his staff discussing what their official reaction should be:

"Maybe we should say something hard-hitting, like 'this stinks!'"
"No, we should say that the Liberals smell like poop!"
"Or maybe we should call them a bunch of stupid-heads!"

Afterwards, when the Tory brass all met for a drink of Scotch and a nice meal of Roasted Endangered Something-or-other, they would have been like, "Hey Jeannot, you really got them! Hehehehe. Stupid. That'll teach those commie bastards!"

What's up with this guy, Volpé? Is he stupid or something?

BUT I WANNA SIT NEXT TO THE GUY WITH THE NICE HAIR!

My wife and I moved to Toronto in 1999. Technically, we moved to Mississauga, but as far as anyone back in New Brunswick is concerned, we moved to Toronto. We did officially move to the 416 the next year. The point is, we've lived in Toronto and area for a few years now. I love it here. But people back home think we're crazy for living here and even crazier for liking it.

Some guy back home: "How can you live there? People there are so rude!"

Me: "Have you ever even been to Toronto?"

Guy: "Well, no, but everyone knows that people there are rude. And it's dirty. And dangerous! How can you raise your son in such a terrible place?"

I dunno, sifting through garbage for lunch, getting mugged and running with a gang will only make a kid stronger. Don't be an idiot. People in Toronto are fine. For the most part, it's a nice, safe, clean city. Of course there are exceptions, but there are exceptions everywhere.

Then they bring out the whole "yeah, but what a bunch of whiners! A little bit of snow and they bring in the army!" Everyone in Canada laughs about that, and sees it as yet another reason to hate Toronto.

First of all, that was a few years ago - get over it. Secondly, it's not like Moncton or Red Deer - it's not as easy to remove a big mess of snow from Toronto's busy, tightly packed streets. You just don't understand. Toronto is not full of whining babies.

Well, maybe I'm wrong. At least as far as City Hall is concerned. Yesterday, our City Council got together for a group portrait. Sounds simple? Not for these whining babies. The whole thing got called off when they couldn't stop fighting about who got to sit in the front row.

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN CHARGE OF MY TAX DOLLARS! What is this, class picture day? If these clowns can be elected to office, then surely to God I can too. So, it's decided! I'm going to run in the next municipal election. Yes, it's a few years off now, but that just means that I'll have lots of time to plan my campaign.

I've already come up with a few great ideas for campaign promises. I've decided that I will run my campaign on their level. My first three promises will be:

-Longer recess time across the whole city.
-Every day will be pizza day.
-Dimmer lights and fewer chaperones at dances.

Based on the maturity level of the current Council, I think these promises alone will make me a real contender. I trust I can count on your vote?

Good grief

OK, I know there are a million sites on this interweb thingy that relate to this topic, but I couldn't resist joining in. For Christmas I got a calandar of George W Bushisms. Some of these crack me up, and some of them just scare me.

A few are so good that I had to share them. Enjoy:

Follow the Yellow Brick Road and you'll find the WMDs

Is "dark dungeons of the internet" some kind of gamer reference?

Just reading this makes me joyfuller.

I wish my economics prof could have just made things this clear.

If so, I hope it means that they also become more faster.

Safety of Air Travel in Canada

Here is a letter I recently sent to the Canadian Minister of Transport, who is responsible for the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority. I also copied it to several other Members of Parliament, as I feel it is an important issue.

To: Hon. Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Transport

Re: Safety of Air Travel in Canada

CC: Right Hon. Stephen Harper, Prime Minister;
Hon. Stockwell Day, Minister of Public Safety;
Sylvie Boucher, Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister;
Jason Kenny, Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister;
Brian Jean, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Transport;
Dave MacKenzie, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Safety;
Hon. Robert Nicholson, Leader of the Government in the House of Commons;
Hon. Stéphane Dion , Leader of the Liberal Party of Canada;
Michael Ignatieff, Deputy Leader of the Liberal Party;
Hon. Ralph Goodale, House Leader of the Liberal Party;
David McGuinty, Liberal Transport Critic;
Hon. Irwin Cotler, Liberal Public Safety Critic;
Gilles Duceppe , Leader of the Bloc Québécois;
Robert Carrier, Bloc Québécois Transport Critic;
Serge Ménard, Bloc Québécois Public Safety Critic;
Hon. Jack Layton, Leader of the New Democratic Party;
Peter Julian, NDP Transport Critic;
Joe Comartin, NDP Public Safety Critic;
Libby Davies, NDP House Leader;
John Cannis, MP Scarborough Centre.

Dear Mr. Cannon,

I am writing to you to express my feelings about the fantastic work that your department, particularly the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority does on behalf of Canadians. I have copied this message to relevant members of all four parties represented in the House of Commons, as I believe it is very important that they all know about the wonderful job that is being done to protect Canadian air travelers.

My wife and I travel frequently across Canada by air, and have been very impressed by what we have seen over and over again in airports across this country. These are difficult times in which to maintain airport security, but your department's policies ensure safety and security for all travelers.

I have been particularly impressed by the methods used to protect us since the terrorist scare in the UK in August. The banning of liquids and gels in carry-on luggage was the right move to ensure that explosives are not carried onto aircraft. Then, after the scare became less immediate, the new rules to lessen the restrictions on liquids and gels were well conceived and flawlessly executed.

What I am most impressed with is the way liquids and gels are handled by airport security staff when they find them in carry-on baggage. For instance, I was traveling with my 22 month-old son recently, and forgot that there was baby skin cream in his diaper bag. Rather than simply discard of this important parenting tool, the security guard placed it into a Ziploc bag, sealed it and handed it back to me, reminding me to not open the bag until after I was off the plane.

Of course I was thankful to have it back, because after purchasing an airline ticket for a domestic flight in Canada, I did not have enough money to replace the cream if it had been discarded.

Whoever thought of this fantastic way to deal with liquids and gels on airplanes was really thinking "outside the box" and deserves a great Christmas bonus this year.

Now, to be honest, I have heard some Canadians criticize this technique, calling it "an insult to the intelligence of Canadians", but clearly those people are freedom-hating terrorist lovers. I heard one person laugh and say "what's to stop someone from opening the bag during their flight to get at their explosive liquid or gel?" to which I answered "Pay attention! The security guard SAID to leave it sealed inside the bag until you get off the plane!"

I even heard somebody say that the sales team at S.C. Johnson must be laughing all the way to the bank, after convincing the Canadian Government to stock up on millions of Ziploc Bags for all of the shaving cream, shampoo and mascara in everyone's carry-on bags. I hope so. They deserve all of the accolades they are getting in the boardroom, because who knows how many Canadian lives those sales representatives have saved with their brilliant idea?

My only concern with the policy is that there needs to be a way at the passenger's destination for people to get information about how to get into the bags to retrieve their items. I forgot to get the combination or key to unlock these secure bags, and when I call the airport, nobody seems to be able to help me. As I mentioned, I cannot afford to buy new skin cream for my son, and at this time of year, the skin on his legs is getting very dry and is very uncomfortable for him. Can you direct me to a website where I can find directions for opening this high-tech security device?

Thank you for your help on this matter, and thank you on behalf of all Canadians for keeping our skies safe.

Happy Holidays,

Lloyd Ravn
Scarborough, ON

I'll let you know if I get any kind of response.

The Complete History of Canadian Politics

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted September 30, 2006.

I have always found Canadian Politics to be very exciting, even though I know that many people disagree with me. I think the reason for this disagreement is simple ignorance of the excitement that is Canadian politics. So, I thought I would enlighten the masses about how much fun politics in the Great White North can be.

Here, for your enjoyment and education, is my version of the complete history of Canadian politics.

On July 1, 1867, the Fathers of Confederation gathered in Charlottetown and cooked up a country. One of them, Edward Palmer, was my wife's great-great-(I don't know how many greats)-grandfather. But he's not the important one. My favourite one is Sir John A. MacDonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada.

Sir John A. was a heavy drinker. That's why he was my favourite. That's about all you need to know about him.

Then, a bunch of stuff happened.

Then, Pierre Elliott Trudeau was elected as the fifteenth Prime Minister of Canada in 1968. Some people liked him, and some hated him. Even today, his name makes Albertans vomit.

But, whether you liked Trudeau or not, you cannot deny that he did the following really cool things:

- He did a pirouette while walking behind Queen Elizabeth II, which is pretty funny, you have to admit.

- Rather than debate with protestors, he just flipped them the bird.

- When he was questioned about how far he would take his use of the military during the October Crisis, he simply said "just watch me". Arrogant bastard. I love it.

Then, there were some other Prime Ministers. Some didn't last very long, some probably lasted too long. Some swore a lot. Some, rather than give protestors the finger, simply beat the crap out of them.

But, in the past couple of years, things have gotten really interesting. Now we're getting to the good stuff.

First, Belinda Stronach ran for leadership of the newly-formed Conservative Party of Canada. Finally, a hot chick in Canadian politics!

She lost. But, she did make a friend during the whole thing. However, her romance with Peter MacKay ended when she left him for another party. Off she went to the Liberal Party, who were in power at the time. She was promptly given a cabinet post and seemed happy with the change.

Peter, however, was not so happy. So unhappy, in fact that he invited photographers to his father's farm to take pictures of him sadly scratching his doggy's ears. Ah, man's best friend. But he didn't want to talk about it.

Belinda's change of heart didn't pay off in the end, because the Conservatives beat the Liberals in the next election and she was back to the opposition side of the house. Poor dear.

And as if that wasn't enough payback, Peter went out and got himself a new ladyfriend.

Now that the rumours are flying about Peter and US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, he must really be laughing it up at Belinda's expense!

But that's not the end of Belinda's romantic life! Now, she's been brought up in the divorce proceedings of hockey hero Tie Domi. Not a very pretty rebound.

I can just hear what MacKay would have to say to his ex's new boyfriend. "Belinda may be 'the bomb', but Condi HAS the bomb! HAHAHAHA! I WIN!".

Well, that's pretty much it. I hope you enjoyed this accont of all the interesting things that have ever happened in Canadian politics. Fun, eh?

Dear Lord

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted September 4, 2006.

I was recently driving on Lakeshore Boulevard in Toronto and I saw a car with Michigan license plates. They had a bumper sticker on the car saying "Pray for our President". That sounded like a great idea. So I have been doing just that. I have been praying for President Bush ever since I read that bumper sticker. For instance, this evening, I prayed for him.

To get Gonorrhea.

In his defense

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted August 28, 2006.

So, it's hurricane season again. Fingers crossed for less death and destruction than last year.

You hear a lot about how President Bush was warned that the levees in New Orleans would not be able to hold back the flooding caused by Hurricane Katrina, which would leave many homeless and kill others. They say that he just simply ignored the warnings, rather than try to help.

I say give the guy a break. I can't imagine that he would have just ignored those warnings. He can't be that heartless, can he?

I think I've come up with what probably happened. And I think it's time to clear the President's name. I think that he did listen to the warnings. And I think he did put together an action plan to try to save lives in New Orleans.

But then, after he left the meeting, headed back to the White House, he turned on his favourite radio station. There, he heard a commentator, whose opinion he trusted a great deal, say that he himself had taken his Chevy to the levee and the levee was dry. So the President figured that the crisis was averted and canceled the mission to get people out of harm's way.

It's the only explanation I can come up with.