Friday, December 15, 2006

Half of Nicole

I've been gaining a lot of weight lately. In the past two months, I packed on fifteen pounds and didn't even notice it. I was sure my jeans were shrinking, but I guess not.

According to Health Canada's Body Mass Index (BMI) Calculator, I am overweight, and just a couple of pounds short of obese.

In more technical terms, I am a fatty-fatty fat guy.

So, I have decided to do something about it. In order to drop into what Health Canada considers the healthy weight for my height, I need to shed around 40 lbs. That sounds tough, but I plan to do it. 40 lbs at least.

That is around half of what was listed as Nicole Richie's weight on her booking sheet when she was busted for driving like a retard on Monday. When I think of it that way, it sounds like a pretty good target. So, I plan to go beyond just 40 lbs, and lose a total of 42.5 lbs, exactly half of Nicole's 85 lbs. Just think, if I succeed, and reach my healthy weight, and live a good long life, free of heart attacks and whatever else fat people die from, I can tell everyone that Nicole Richie saved my life. Or at least half of her did.

It's the official Half of Nicole Richie Weight Loss Plan. And I am inviting you to join me. What percentage of Nicole Richie do you want to lose? Let me know, and we'll keep track together. This is sure to become the next big weight loss craze! People the world over will be healthier thanks to the official Half of Nicole Richie Weight Loss Plan.

(yes, people the world over, but let's face it: it's us fat North Americans that really need this)

Who would have thought that Nicole and I would work together to save the world from the obesity epidemic that we are facing? It will be beautiful!

Thanks, Nicole.

I'm not certain how I will lose the weight, but that's not important. What's important is that I have a name for my weight loss plan!


david said...

YAY, the canadian gov't thinks i'm normal.

Anonymous said...

like being anorexic is a step up? thats a good one, moron.

Whistler said...

I'm in Lloyd. I need to lose an eighth of Nicole to squeak into the category of healthy Canadian, and I'm up for it!

daisypie said...

So, does that mean you have an ass now?

daisypie, YEAH, I'm not obese!

...just fat. Thanks, Canada.

loseurself said...

i would love to join your weightloss plan.Unfortunately I forgot how i go about figuring out percentages.I just finished a math class in November-seriously.Anywho,I need to lose at least 31 lbs.Someone else can figure the math....