Attention hitmen looking for me: Where to find me in August

If I owe you money, here are some places you can find me in August, hopefully earning some of the money I owe you:

Watch www.bayOfFunny.com for more details

August 1: Tyne Valley Oyster Festival in PEI with Francois Weber and Matt Stewart. Click here for info.

August 7: The Guild in Charlottetown with my solo show Funny, Daddy in support of the Queen Elizabeth Hospital Foundation who are an important part of the story I tell in this show.https://www.facebook.com/events/432061286891697/

August 9: Watermark Theatre in North Rustico, PEI with Funny, Daddy in support of QEH Foundation. https://www.facebook.com/events/109516929242807/

August 10: Souris Show Hall in Souris, PEI with Funny, Daddy in support of QEH Foundation. https://www.facebook.com/events/561331240570200/

August 17: MCing Shane Ogden Presents... Manolis Zontanos! the Three Mile in Saint John, NB. Contact Shane Ogden for $10 tickets! This is going to be a killer show!!!

August 21: Happinez Wine Bar in Saint John as part of the first Fundy Fringe Festival with my solo show Funny, Daddy. 8:45 PM. Tickets at the door only.

Augsut 22: Happinez again for Fundy Fringe. 10:15 PM

Augsut 23: Saint John Arts Centre for Fundy Fringe. 9 PM

August 24: Saint John Arts Centre again for Fundy Fringe. 9 PM

August 25: A Matinee presentation of Funny, Daddy at the Saint John Arts Centre for Fundy Fringe. 3:45 PM.

August 31: Atlantic Fringe in Halifax. 7 PM Venue TBA.

2 More Atlantic Fringe shows in September too! (September 1 and 8)

Listen Live to the Canada's Next Top Comic Final Gala

I'm sitting in the departure area of the Moncton airport, waiting for my flight to Toronto, via Porter Airlines. I am excited to be flying into the Toronto Island airport for the first time. But even more exciting - I'm flying to Toronto for the final gala of Sirius XM's Canada's Next Top Comic contest!

After competing as one of 17 comics on the Halifax "audition", I was named as one of five semi-finalists to move on to the online voting round. Thanks to great support from my friends and family (and local media, including Information Morning Saint John on CBC Radio, The Kings County Record, CJCW Radio, Here Magazine and the Telegraph Journal, I received enough votes to move on as one of the eleven finalists at Tuesday night's show at Yuk Yuk's in downtown Toronto. I'll be competing against some of the top up-and-coming comics in Canada for a chance to win $10,000!

I've been told that the show is sold out, so those of you in Toronto won't have to worry about trying to come up with an excuse to not come! But if you are broken up about not being able to make it to the show, I have some good news! You can listen to the show live, if you have XM Satellite Radio! Just tune into Laugh Attack, the Canadian-focused comedy channel on XM Channel 160 Tuesday night (November 15, 2011) at 6PM EST (that's 7PM for my friends in the Maritimes - 7:30 in Newfoundland - see I even do the math for you. This is so easy!)

"But, Lloyd, I don't have XM!" 

Why not? You really should.

Well, the next good news is, you can sign up for a free, online trial at https://my.xmradio.ca/OnlinePlus.aspx and you can listen to XM for two weeks on your computer or your phone! So, go ahead and sign up for a trial, and tune in Tuesday night for the show. 

On the off-chance that you still need convincing, check out these videos from my fellow finalists for a preview of what to expect tomorrow night:

(note - there are words on these videos that your boss might not like you to listen to at work, or your wife might not want you to listen to in front of the kids.)

Brian Aylward: 

Christine Medrano:

Dom Pare:

Eddie Della Siepe:

Eric Andrews:

Julia Hladkowicz:

Kyle Jones:

Myles Morrison:

Peter White:

Sterling Scott:

Funny stuff, eh? So, listen to the show. You will be sad if you don't, and nobody wants to hang out with a sad person.

See you soon.

Llove,

Lloyd

Thanks Tropicana!

I loves me some Tropicana orange juice. mmmm.

For a while now, Tropicana has offered 10 free Aeroplan miles with each jug of juice you buy. That's right. 10 free Aeroplan miles. (for the non-Canadian readers, Aeroplan miles are the frequent flyer points for Air Canada).


10!


So, if I drink a jug of juice per week all year, I will have 520 extra points.

Check the Aeroplan website and you will see that they offer flights "starting at 15,000 points". So, if I drink Tropicana for 28 years, I will be able to afford Air Canada's cheapest flight!

So, get ready Thunder Bay. I'll be coming your way in 28 years!

Good Advice

On a cold December night in Quebec, I stopped to gas up the car.

Looks just like any gas pump you'd see anywhere, right? Until I saw this warning:

Good advice. In Quebec in winter, I plan to protect BOTH of my NIPs.

My Favourite Place Name In Canada

St-Louis-du-Ha! Ha! in Quebec.
In a province full of communities named after obscure saints, this is the best. I love how they even have the exclamation marks in there.

The measure of a good trip

About an hour before leaving for the airport.

Cuba's New Revolution

Protesting in Revolution Square for more rights for husbands.

A Realization

I totally recognize that dude. Who is he?

Oh yeah, the guy from the t-shirts!




See?


Jodi, come get our picture taken with the dude from the t-shirts.

Best Museum Display Ever

At the Museo De La Revolucion in Havana, Cuba

The note to George Bush Sr. says "Thanks, cretin because you've helped us TO CONSOLIDATE OUR REVOLUTION". The note to Ronald Reagan next to it is similar.

Sandwich

A sign that kids are having fun on vacation: they take a faceplant in the sand, eat half the beach and come up laughing.


Even when their father takes the time to shoot a picture rather than help.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

Hamburgers, fries, a beer, sunshine, and a sunburn on my bald spot!

4/5 = great vacation.

More travel tips

If you are travelling with "diva" types, make sure that, when you go to shoot a picture of the group, the diva gets to hold a kid like everyone else, or else the photo shoot will end in tears.


Kim, our family's diva.

Like the sands of time

Varadero, Cuba Blog post number 3:

Tip for travellers to beach destinations:

Upon returning to your hotel room from the beach, don't let the kids crawl around until AFTER a bath.

Time to tidy up

OK, here is post two about our recent trip to beautiful Varadero, Cuba.

After my much-needed refreshment break we began unpacking. Once all of our clothes were neatly packed into the closets, we stored some other gear on some shelves.

More to follow...

Back in Business? Mayabe.

I have made one post in the past ten months on this bloggy thingy. I know you've been checking in every day for more, and I am sorry to have disappointed you. Please forgive me.

Well, Lloyd's Llunch Counter is back in business, and in celebration of the grand re-opening, we have a special Cuban menu! The first few posts upon my return to blogdom will be about my recent trip to Cuba.

For Christmas, my in-laws arranged a trip to Cuba for the entire family (them, us, our kids, Jodi's sister Meghan, her husband and son, and Jodi's two neices). We stayed at an all-inclusive resort in Varadero (Blau Varadero). I didn't know if I would be into the all-inclusive resort thing, but it was so nice and relaxing. I haven't been so relaxed in a very long time.

When we arrived, and checked into our room, I headed straight for the mini-bar. The dude who brought up our luggage let me know it would be fully-stocked! I found out that this meant 1 bottle of water, 2 colas and 2 beers. I figured I shouldn't have a beer right away, and then saw the brand of beer and thought "mayabe I should".

Sucker for an accent

I recently read a blog in which the writer complained that people in Toronto (where I live) are much less polite than people in London, England (where I used to live for a couple of years). I don't necessarily believe that in general, but I do believe it about the homeless in London. They are so polite, it's impossible to not give them money, cigarettes, food, whatever they want.

There was one guy who begged near my work. He got me every time. I would be on my way to the corner shop to get a Lion bar and he would stop me and say "Sorry sir, but could you perhaps spare 30 p so a gent could get a hot cut of tea?" I was like "Of course I could. A gent should be able to have a hot cup of tea. It's only right." I usually gave him a couple of pounds, so he could have a crumpet with his tea, at which point he would say "Awright! Cheers, mate! Fanks fer that! Now oi've got enough to get a fuckin' real drink," and he would follow me into the shop and buy a can of Foster's. This happened almost every day. And I didn't mind that he lied to me, or that he spent his tea money on beer. I minded that I kept believing him.

I don't know if Torontonians are more or less polite than Londoners. But this one certainly is dumber.

Dear WestJet:

Dear WestJet:

You know that flight attendant on the Moncton to Toronto flight this morning who kind of looks like Alisha Cuthbert?

Could you please thank someone in your human resources department on my behalf? Thankssomuch!

Llove,

Lloyd

Safety of Air Travel in Canada

Here is a letter I recently sent to the Canadian Minister of Transport, who is responsible for the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority. I also copied it to several other Members of Parliament, as I feel it is an important issue.

To: Hon. Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Transport

Re: Safety of Air Travel in Canada

CC: Right Hon. Stephen Harper, Prime Minister;
Hon. Stockwell Day, Minister of Public Safety;
Sylvie Boucher, Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister;
Jason Kenny, Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister;
Brian Jean, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Transport;
Dave MacKenzie, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Safety;
Hon. Robert Nicholson, Leader of the Government in the House of Commons;
Hon. Stéphane Dion , Leader of the Liberal Party of Canada;
Michael Ignatieff, Deputy Leader of the Liberal Party;
Hon. Ralph Goodale, House Leader of the Liberal Party;
David McGuinty, Liberal Transport Critic;
Hon. Irwin Cotler, Liberal Public Safety Critic;
Gilles Duceppe , Leader of the Bloc Québécois;
Robert Carrier, Bloc Québécois Transport Critic;
Serge Ménard, Bloc Québécois Public Safety Critic;
Hon. Jack Layton, Leader of the New Democratic Party;
Peter Julian, NDP Transport Critic;
Joe Comartin, NDP Public Safety Critic;
Libby Davies, NDP House Leader;
John Cannis, MP Scarborough Centre.

Dear Mr. Cannon,

I am writing to you to express my feelings about the fantastic work that your department, particularly the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority does on behalf of Canadians. I have copied this message to relevant members of all four parties represented in the House of Commons, as I believe it is very important that they all know about the wonderful job that is being done to protect Canadian air travelers.

My wife and I travel frequently across Canada by air, and have been very impressed by what we have seen over and over again in airports across this country. These are difficult times in which to maintain airport security, but your department's policies ensure safety and security for all travelers.

I have been particularly impressed by the methods used to protect us since the terrorist scare in the UK in August. The banning of liquids and gels in carry-on luggage was the right move to ensure that explosives are not carried onto aircraft. Then, after the scare became less immediate, the new rules to lessen the restrictions on liquids and gels were well conceived and flawlessly executed.

What I am most impressed with is the way liquids and gels are handled by airport security staff when they find them in carry-on baggage. For instance, I was traveling with my 22 month-old son recently, and forgot that there was baby skin cream in his diaper bag. Rather than simply discard of this important parenting tool, the security guard placed it into a Ziploc bag, sealed it and handed it back to me, reminding me to not open the bag until after I was off the plane.

Of course I was thankful to have it back, because after purchasing an airline ticket for a domestic flight in Canada, I did not have enough money to replace the cream if it had been discarded.

Whoever thought of this fantastic way to deal with liquids and gels on airplanes was really thinking "outside the box" and deserves a great Christmas bonus this year.

Now, to be honest, I have heard some Canadians criticize this technique, calling it "an insult to the intelligence of Canadians", but clearly those people are freedom-hating terrorist lovers. I heard one person laugh and say "what's to stop someone from opening the bag during their flight to get at their explosive liquid or gel?" to which I answered "Pay attention! The security guard SAID to leave it sealed inside the bag until you get off the plane!"

I even heard somebody say that the sales team at S.C. Johnson must be laughing all the way to the bank, after convincing the Canadian Government to stock up on millions of Ziploc Bags for all of the shaving cream, shampoo and mascara in everyone's carry-on bags. I hope so. They deserve all of the accolades they are getting in the boardroom, because who knows how many Canadian lives those sales representatives have saved with their brilliant idea?

My only concern with the policy is that there needs to be a way at the passenger's destination for people to get information about how to get into the bags to retrieve their items. I forgot to get the combination or key to unlock these secure bags, and when I call the airport, nobody seems to be able to help me. As I mentioned, I cannot afford to buy new skin cream for my son, and at this time of year, the skin on his legs is getting very dry and is very uncomfortable for him. Can you direct me to a website where I can find directions for opening this high-tech security device?

Thank you for your help on this matter, and thank you on behalf of all Canadians for keeping our skies safe.

Happy Holidays,

Lloyd Ravn
Scarborough, ON

I'll let you know if I get any kind of response.

Relaxation

I got a message saying something along the lines of "hey Lloyd, where have you been? Why haven't you been blogging? Why haven't you returned my e-mail message? Why didn't you reply to the comment I left on your MySpace page?"

I've been on vacation. I still am. Right now I am at my mother's house in Sussex, New Brunswick. This is the place in the world where I feel the msot relaxed.

Last night, there were two white-tailed deer on the lawn. This morning, there were five in the field you can see from the living room window. There hasn't been a car pass here in the past three hours. I haven't heard a siren in ages. Don't get me wrong; I love living in Toronto, but while I am here I can't remember why.

A week ago today, we woke up and this was what we saw out the windows:

So, that's why I haven't been as much of an internet whore lately. Don't worry though, I'll be back at it soon.

The only downside is that I can't look at porn on my mother's computer! On second thought, I guess I can't wait to get back to Toronto and the privacy of my own computer room.

Llove,

Lloyd

Trucker Time Warp

A conversation I overheard yesterday:

Trucker: These days, I'm just driving the truck from New Brunswick to Alabama.

Other Guy: Wow, how long does it take to get down there?

Trucker: Four days. Yeah. Three and a half days. Yeah. I leave on Saturday night and get there on Monday morning.

Pardon?