Most Hypocritical Statement of 2011 Award!

I have announced the winner of the prestigious First Annual Most Hypocritical Statement of 2011 Award. Surprisingly it is not a politician. It is Clinton Kelly, the co-host of TLC's "What Not To Wear". This show is dedicated solely to making people feel badly about themselves if they do not spend thousands of dollars to entirely replace their wardrobe on an annual (at least) basis. So, check out what Clinton had to say about choosing clothes on an episode last night:

Note: No, I was not watching this show. My wife was, and I overheard this statement and made her rewind it so I could record it. It is one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

Vague

If you are in Canada, who do you use for cable TV? If you use Rogers, have you been able to access their on-demand channel? I have had a hard time with it beacuase when you go to channel 100, it just says:

"Press A Key for On Demand". Sounds like you can select any old key. But I have tried pressing almost every key on the remote:

and it's not working. Any advice?

Come and see the violence inherent in the system

So since today was my 37th birthday, I thought I should post something for you, my dear blog reader, as a bit of a Lloydmas present. In past years, I have written a Lloydmas carol for you to learn. But this year, I have decided to skip that time-honoured tradition (but if you want to see the previous carols, click here and here).
Now, my Lloydmas present to you:
Since this is my 37th, I thought it would be nice if I shared my favourite movie scene about a 37 year old: Dennis from Monty Python's Holy Grail:


It could only be a better scene if, instead of "we don't have a Lord," she said "we don't have a Lord, we have a Lloyd."

Happy Lloydmas everyone.

Llove,
Lloyd

Why spelling is so important

I took this picture of the TV screen with my Blackberry several months ago, when some American sailors fought off the pirates off the coast of Africa. Remember that? Of course you do. Here's a reminder:



I took the picture because it struck me that if someone hadn't made a major spelling mistake on the "BEWARE OF PIRATES" sign, they would have saved themselves a lot of trouble!

Literal Branding

Recently, Jodi saw a couple of documentaries on CBC's Doc Zone that changed our lives.

One was about plastic and all of the bad things that it might or might not be doing to our bodies. So now we have much less plastic around the house. Not even the Britta water filter was spared.

The other was about synthetic chemicals in general, and how little testing has been done on their effects on us. The result is that we now have a lot more "all-natural" stuff around the house. Case in point: "Natural Tea Tree Oil Toothpaste".



My first thought was, "it says on the back that the available flavours include mint. Why would you pick ginger? Who wants to start the day with a mouthfull of ginger?"

Then I tried it. While brushing I noticed the brand name.


Desert Essence. What an appropriate brand name for a product that tastes like sand and dead rattlesnakes.

Superstar doggie

In some ways, 2008 was a tough year in our house. Our 3-year-old, Eric, had a major stroke in July. From July to December, he was in the hospital, either as an in-patient or a day-patient, when he had to be at the hospital all day every day for intense therapy.



As time passed, it was hard for us to balance everything, and the one who was suffering was our dog, Ivan. If you've followed my blog, you know about Ivan. But poor Ivan was alone all the time, and not getting the attention or exercise he needed and deserved. So we made the decision to find him a home where he would get that attention.



Now, it seems that it was a good decision for Ivan. We think that his new family recognized the star potential in him and have him on TV already. Check out this picture I took of a commercial for Idomo furniture store that was on TV in January.

If that isn't Ivan, it's his brother or sister. For sure. I know it.

And don't give me the "all huskies look alike" thing. That's Ivan. I know it.

Unless, of course, all huskies look alike.

Watch It

I always get the question "did you see the game last night?" Because I am a guy, people assume I am into sports. But I'm really not. I always say I don't watch sports because I don't enjoy playing them because I suck at sports.

But I have realized that is pretty stupid logic. If I only watched things I was good at, the internet porn industry would see a massive drop in downloads overnight.

Learning should be fun

Jodi likes to watch a few shows on TLC. The Learning Channel. Learning? What do TLC viewers learn? Well, the educators from "What Not to Wear" teach us the important lesson that if you do not spend $5,000 each season to change your entire wardrobe then you are a bad person.

The only time I change my wardrobe is when I gain weight. Which, according to TLC's "I Can Make You Thin" also makes me a bad person.

So, to review: TLC is educational; Lloyd is bad. The truth hurts.

Poor little jocks

Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Olympics that has a bunch of kids saying things like "I'm not a loser" or "I'm not a loner" in several languages. Then they all start saying "I'm an athelete" like you can't possibly be both.

(If you don't recognize the commercial, go to olympic.org and click on "The Best of Us"in tbe multimedia gallery in the top right.)

What kind of jock nonsense is this? I always expect the next line to be "so go find a fat kid to call names and leave the jocks alone. Faggot."

Canadian World Domination for a thousand

Several years ago, I was browsing the interwebnets and found a site called "Canadian World Domination." It was built as a project by a couple of University students in Kitchener, and was hilarious. The students, known on the site as General Claire and General Jenny, outlined their plans for taking over the world, Canadian-style. If you've ever been forwarded a "You know you're Canadian if..." e-mail, it started out on that site. It's gone now, probably shut down by the CIA or maybe even because the "Generals" grew tired of the game.

Not surprisingly, though, Canadian World Domination (CWD) quickly developed a following of hard-core fans, who posted regularly on the CWD message forum. I was one of them. It was my first internet forum addiction, preceeding even my on-again, off-again obsession with zug.com's GAB forum.

The people on the CWD forum were funny, smart and funny, so I enjoyed reading what they had to say and sharing my thoughts with them. We became a tight group for a while, and even got together a few times, mostly here in Toronto (with people coming from as far away as Maine, Texas, and of course, Michigan), but there were other get-togethers in other cities in Canada, the US and even in Europe.

One of the most dedicated followers of Generals Claire and Jenny was a librarian from Flint, Michigan named Janet. I have had the pleasure of meeting Janet a few times on her visits to Toronto and she is lovely. Funny, smart, nice, and a kick-ass cook.

Even though the Canadian World Domination site is long gone, some of us still keep in touch through e-mail. And if you follow my blog even semi-regularly, you have surely seen comments left by my CWD comrades. Especially Janet, who has probably been the most regular comment poster on Lloyd's Llunch Counter.

So, I am excited to watch Jeopardy tonight, when Janet will be a contestant! I will know someone on Jeopardy. It doesn't even matter how well she does, as long as she posts a comment on this particular blog entry after the show airs and lets us know if Alex smelled like caramel (which, for some reason is what I always imagine).

You should all watch tonight, because one day, when Generals Claire and Jenny do complete their Canadian World Domination mission, Janet will surely be given a very important post (probably "Ambassador to the Wizzarding World" as she's a big Potter fan, or maybe "Minister of Pies"). So you should really get a glimpse of this future political leader.

Good luck tonight Janet! (I know, the show was taped weeks ago so no amount of well-wishing from me will affect the outcome, but I still can't wait to see how it goes).

Shut that kid up!

My son, who turned 3 last month, has only recently gotten into watching TV. We didn't really turn it on for him very often, so he never really cared. But, as he's gotten older, he's become more and more interested in cartoons. He loves Little Bear, Franklin, The Backyardigans and, Diego.

Having watched all of these shows with him on several occasions, I have noticed one thing. I think someone who works on the Diego show needs to take that kid in to get his ears tested. I once knew a kid who shouted all the time, and her parents took her in to get little tube thingies in her ears and now her hearing is better and the shouting is gone. I assume Diego's shouting issue comes from a similar problem.

If someone doesn't take that kid in to get his ears checked soon, I'm calling child services. I mean it!

Reality Blogging

As I mentioned recently, I watch some girly television shows. I admit it, so shut up.

So, on a related note, am I the only one who answers Tyra Banks during the opening sequence to America's Next Top Model? It goes like this:

A picture of a hot model flashes across the screen

Tyra: "You wanna be on top?"

Me: "Sure, if that's how she likes it."

A picture of another hot model flashes across the screen

Tyra: "You wanna be on top?"

Me: "I dunno. I think that one would look great on top."

Etc.

Immature? My wife thinks so. I prefer to think I'm just being honest.

Why aren't the news agencies reporting this?

I was happy to see this image on my tv screen recently. I had to take a picture of it. I knew that the world was about to change for the better, for ever. But since then, I haven't seen any news reports about it. I don't know why. It's huge! I suppose it's being kept a secret so the general population doesn't freak out just yet. But they couldn't keep it from my eagle eyes. Check out what I noticed - the crisis in Pakistan is about to get straightened out. Because Starfleet is on the job!

I guess it's no time before the Klingons arrive.

Desperate?

As you know if you've been reading my blog, I’ve been a full time stay-at-home dad for the past year and a half. I’m often surprised to see how people react when they hear that I stay home with my son while my wife works. Men wonder if I’ve given up my masculinity, if simply doing the right thing for my family has made me less manly.

As shocked as I am by that reaction, I’m even more shocked to realize that they’re right. It's not just the white wine, or the Dido songs in the background, or even getting turned on by laundry equipment. It’s the change in TV-watching habits that’s done it.

I had convinced myself that I was just watching my wife’s favourite girly shows to allow myself a chance to sit down at the end of a long day. I wasn’t really watching the decorating shows, or oestrogen-heavy dramas. I was just sitting there, turning off my brain for a few minutes. Surely I wasn’t absorbing anything. Was I?

Apparently, I was!

I realized the chick shows were having more of an impact than I formerly believed when a favourite U2 song came on the radio and it wasn’t until it was over that I realized I had been singing the wrong lyrics. My version went “It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright. She moves in Wisteria Lane.”

I’ve been brainwashed!

Dear Skeletor

Dear Skeletor,

I am writing to you to let you know that I am very impressed with the way in which you have re-created yourself. I am sure it was difficult to avoid being typecast as the bad guy after the He-Man days.



On top of the pain you must have felt, knowing that your acting career was pretty much dead, unless a He-Man reunion special might happen at some point, you also had to deal with the torture of hiding your secret from the world. Nobody would understand that you were a woman trapped in a man's body (with a skeleton head).

That is why I am so proud of you for having gone ahead with the surgery. It was so very brave of you, and you must be so pleased with the results. The new you is very convincing!

But, usually after a sex-change operation, you hear of a person changing their name to a similar name. Like Claire becoming Clarence. Or John becoming Janice. I would have expected the natural change from Skeletor to be Skeletette. So, my question to you is, why did you decide to change your name to Janice?



By the way, congratulations on your new modeling agency.

Llove,

Lloyd

Last Comic Standing, a review

Did you watch Last Comic Standing this season? Despite my votes for Gerry Dee, Jon Reep won. He does all that stuff about being from a town called Hickory. He says he should have known he'd grow up to be a redneck, coming from a town with the word HICK in the name.

That's some bullshit logic, as far as I'm concerned. I grew up in a town called Sussex and it didn't help me with the ladies at all.

SUV Sophistication

I recently saw a TV commercial for the Chrysler Aspen.

The idea was that they took the letters in the word Aspen and, one-by-one, they made new words out of them, each describing the vehicle.

Attitude
ASpohistication
ASPerformance
ASPElegance
ASPENew

Now, I realize that you are only supposed to look at the words starting with the last letter from the word Aspen in that particular row. There is no such word as "asperformance", you are just supposed to read from the 'P' on.

But they had to have been able to find something better than "aspohistication". Not a great descriptor for a product you are trying to sell. The base word, sophistication, means sophisticated character, ideas, tastes, or ways as the result of education, worldly experience, etc, according to Dictionary.com. And the prefix a, means not, without, according to englishclub.com.

So it looks to me like Chrysler (or at least their ad agency) is describing the Aspen as being "without sophistication". Lacking sophisticated ideas or ways. No education, worldly experience, etc. They're making it sound downright stupid.

I can't imagine how that would slip past everyone involved in creating and approving this commercial. Does nobody critically review the copy of their ads? I'm sure they don't want people to think that their SUV is anything but highly sophisticated.

Then again, when they considered the part in the definition about "sophisticated ideas...as the result of education..." they realized that, with the US Department of Energy ranking the Aspen as one of the worst vehicles available in terms of greenhouse gas emissions, saying that the Aspen is lacking sophistication might have been exactly what they meant.

Not a genius

Did you watch Test the Nation on CBC tonight? How'd you do? I have two things to say about that show:

1. I am almost a genius, according to Brent Bambury and Wendy Mesley. A superior IQ score is 130+. I scored 126. I blame the internet for the missing 4 points.

2. More importantly, Wendy Mesley is finally looking hot again after her brush with death. Did you see the legs on her? That show must have been bitersweet for Peter Mansbridge to watch. Sweet because it would have confirmed what the Canadian news watching public already know - Peter's brilliant. And bitter because he would have totally had a boner for Wendy, and wished he had never let her go. It took her a while to get back to her old hotness, but back she is.

Speaking of hot chicks at the Ceeb (that's the new term for the CBC, by the way, as of right now), have you ever noticed how our public broadcaster has a thing for hiring the hotties? After just a quick browse through the "personalities" page on their website, I found:

Natalie Clancy, Reporter on The National

Heather Hiscox, Anchor on CBC News Morning

Christina Lawand, Reporter for The National

Sarika Sehgal, host on CBC Newsworld

She's a bit older than most on this list, but I loves me some Cathy Jones from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes"

Finally, my favourite, Gloria Macarenko. mmmmm.

When I started writing this blog, I had no intention of turning it into a "look at the hot chicks at the Ceeb" thing (other than the bit about Wendy), but it just took on a life of its own. And ladies, you know it's not just the men that get some nice eye candy while watching the news.

Ah, Rex Murphy. A real lady's man, if ever there was one.

Why clean today what you can clean in 50 or so years?

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted October 20, 2006

I was planning to write something about recent announcements from Canada's environment minister, Rona Ambrose. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't say it any better than the CBC's Rick Mercer.

So, rather than do any actual work on the topic, I will let the linkie-links do the work for me.

Watch these videos.

Rick's rant from October 10. (By the way - I was at the taping of this episode, and it was a lot of fun)

Rick's rant from October 17.

A future "Canadian Heritage Moment".

Even if the Canadian environment isn't in good hands, at least the Canadian funny bone is.

One thing I would like to add is that from now on, when something is all fucked up, we should refer to it as "all Ambrosed up". It has a nice ring to it, eh?

I am a ROCKSTAR!

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted September 14, 2006.

Last night, Toronto's Lukas Rossi won the lead spot in super band Supernova. How huge is that? He will be singing for a band that includes the guy with the huge weiner who filmed himself banging Pamela Anderson. You know, what's his name.

So this is the second Canadian in a row to win the Rock Star show, after Nova Scotia's J.D. Fortune won the lead spot in INXS last year. So, two seasons, and both times a Canadian has won.

Being a professional statistician (that may be a stretch, since I failed level two stats in marketing school, but humour me, ok?) I have been crunching some numbers.

(a) 2 Canadian Rockstars out of 2 shows is a 100% Canadian Rockstar rate. This means that (b) 100% of Canadians are Rockstars. (I left out some of the complex formulas that helped me get from point A to point B and arrive at that conclusion so this wouldn't get too difficult to follow for the layman).

If I had known this all along, I would have gone to Hollywood or something instead of cooking school. All this time, I thought I couldn't sing, dance, or do anything related to being a rockstar. But statistics don't lie. Clearly I am meant to front some super rock band, as are all Canadians.

From now on, when I am singing, and people laugh, or ask me to stop hurting their ears, or their dogs' ears, I will tell them to kiss my ass. Because that's what rockstars do.