Overheard on a bus

Taking the bus offers so many great eavesdropping opportunities. Like the day I heard a couple of young kids discussing what they had learned in Social Studies class recently.

"The girls in that religion, they have to wear, you know, vials on their head."

I laughed so hard I almost cried. I could just picture women from some strange religion walking around with vials and beakers and other lab equipment on their heads. I guess their religion really values good posture and balance.

Next Stop: Snarfle Marfle

I imagine that every successful job interview for a bus/subway/streetcar driver with the Toronto Transit Commission goes like this:
"Can you call out the stops with a mouthful of ball bearings?"
"Yes, of course."
"You're hired."

Hairspray

I haven't used hair spray since my high school prom, so I'm not exactly a hair spray expert. But I imagine that in the production of hair spray, all sorts of horrible things happen to the environment. There has to be stuff in hair spray that will make its way into the water and eventually end up in polar bears' livers.

If the kids who take the same bus as me in the morning would just cut back on their hair spray use by 50%, I imagine they would single-handedly be responsible for stopping global worming.

And my bus wouldn't stink of hairspray anymore.

Stop Picking on Scarborough

Like on most public busses, the Toronto Transit Commission's busses have little digital signs that say the route number and where it is going. For instance, every morning on the way to work, I catch a bus on Brimley Road that says "21 Brimley to Scarborough Centre" or something like that.

But there is one bus in particular that makes me laugh every time I see it. It is the 86. It just says "86 Scarborough" on the front. It sounds like the route number and name were decided by someone who really hates Scarborough.



I say, leave Scarborough alone. And 86 that bus instead.

Butt why?

The big sign at the front of the bus that says "Please exit at the rear doors" is clearly too complex for most bus riders to understand.

How hard it it to understand that the whole bus riding process will go much smoother if you get off at the back while people get on at the front? It's very simple physics. Everytime you get off at the front, you slow down the whole bus trip for the rest of us by slowing down the people who are trying to get on. Why do you do this?

I think it comes down to how sexually repressed we still are. Do people really think that it will make them look bad if people see that they enjoy getting off at the back door?

Standing In The Way Wins The Race

Why does everyone on the bus bunch up at the front?
1. Get on the bus
2. See a spot to stand near the door
3. Take that spot and refuse to move, even if you are blocking the way of people who get on the bus after you
4. This way, when the bus gets to your stop, you'll be the first to arrive, at least 0.25 seconds before the suckers at the back!
5. Spend the rest of the day feeling proud of yourself for your incredible time-saving efforts this morning.

Bus rules

When somebody farts on a crowded bus, and you're looking around, trying to figure out who is acting so casual that it's obvious that they are the farter, everyone sees you looking around so much and figures that you're looking around to see if anyone noticed that you farted.

Rules of the bus

TTC Rule #726: The more people that there are standing up on the bus, the harder the driver must slam on the brakes at every stop.

We gotcha back

There has been a series of ads running on Toronto Transit Commission busses all about why you shouldn't be mean to TTC employees. The headline is "We Stand Behind Our TTC Employees."

I couldn't read the small print, so I spent a ride to work one day, coming up with possible examples for the next line in the ad:

...so they block your punches
...because they can take a hit better than us
...so we can catch them when you punch them out
...so we can hold them while you pop them in the mouth.

*Note, I neither approve of, nor encourage violence against bus drivers. But I can sometimes see why it happens.

Thoughts from the bus

Nothing says "I'm a lush and don't care who knows it" like sending your 12-year old to school with their books in a liquor store bag.

Nice Shoes, Wanna... Give them back?

I've mentioned a few times that I started riding the bus to work now that I am no longer a stay-at-home dad. It's usually ok. But there were a lot of snow storms when I first I started back to work. Those days suck for bus riders. One of them was especially bad for me.

I decided that the weather was bad enough that I would risk looking completely stupid and wear my winter boots with my suit and carry shoes in a plastic bag to protect them from the elements. I changed footwear when I got to work and again back into my boots when I left at the end of the day. Everything was going fine up to now. Then, when I went to get off the first bus to transfer to another, I left the bag of shoes behind. I realized it just after the bus went out of sight over a hill. Agh!

After I cursed at myself for a while, I calmed down and said "no big deal. Someone will turn them in and I'll go downtown to the TTC lost and found and collect them." Good plan. Only it didn't work out. Nobody turned them in. They're gone for good.

So, if you take the bus in Scarborough, and notice someone checking out everyone's footwear, that will be me. And you'd better not be wearing my shoes, because I will fight you for them.

Dear TDSB and TCDSB

Dear Toronto District School Board and Toronto Catholic District School Board,

I wish to request that you add a class to your cirriculum called "Why you should take your big fucking backpack off when you get on the bus."

The textbook could have chapters titled "Hey you little fucker, when you turned around in font of my seat, you hit me in the face with that big fucking backpack" or "You take up as much space as a grotesquely obese person with that backpack on."

Trust me, as a new transit rider, I can testify to the fact that Toronto students need this class.

I would be happy to teach the class, because I am all about doing what's right for our children. And not getting a big fucking backpack jammed into my gut seven times a day.

Llove,

Lloyd

Nice face, too bad about the...

There are loads of things that suck about taking the bus. Especially on cold days. The worst thing about taking the bus on a cold day is when you're sitting there, and a good-looking girl gets on, and you're checking her out as she walks to the back of the bus. Pretty face, great hair, big Angelina lips.... Then, she gets closer and you see the stream of snot coming out of her nose.

Honour and Obay

Did you see the ad campaign that caused such a stir on the Toronto Transit Commission? The ads were for a medicine called "Obay". The slogans said things like "My daughter used to have a mind of her own. Not any more, thanks to Obay." and they included the tag "From the makers of WhyBecauseISaidSo". It was obviously a fake campaign and everyone was wondering what it was really about. The advertising company said that the real campaign would answer everyone's questions, but wouldn't give any hints.

I came up with some ideas. I was hoping the real thing would be an ad for Cadbury's and would say "There really isn't a drug that will make your kids obay you. So, buy their obedience with chocolate!"

Alternatively, the same idea would have worked for toys, ice cream, ipods, a trip to Disneyland or a car.

In the end, it was just an ad about letting kids make their own decisions about their futures, for OntarioColleges.ca. Very disappointing. My ideas were better. Disney, are you listening?

Breaking News

Do you ever read Metro News? You know it - the one that you can get for free at every bus stop in Toronto. Do you read it? Me either. But sometimes I see the headlines while I am waiting for the bus. (did I mention that now that I'm back at work, I take the bus every day?)

Yesterday (Thursday, February 28, 2008), the front page headline was "Teens not all tech wizards". Really? Wow. That's intense.

In related news:

* 50-sometings didn't all attend Woodstock.
* Senior citizens don't all smell like cabbage.
* Fat people not all jolly.
* Tall people not all basketball players.
* Redheads not all fiesty.
* Newspaper editors not all brilliant.