Does This Taste Funny?

After having a lot of fun touring around Canada's Maritime provinces with my solo show Funny, Daddy in 2013 with great media and audience reviews, I'm getting ready for a fall 2014 tour of my new 1-hour solo show Does This Taste Funny?

Prepping for my specialty: Entertained Squab.
Photo by Keith Hawkins

My new show will be an hour of food-related jokes and stories. It's the tale of why, despite graduating from a great culinary school and working in amazing kitchens in Canada and Europe, I'm not a chef today. Mixed in with the food jokes will be funny stories from behind-the-scenes of the restaurant biz!

I'm working out the details and dates and of course the script now, and I want to make sure this tour is as well-organized as possible. In order to ensure that, there are a ton of up-front expenses (booking venues, advertising etc). So, after talking to a few people who have used crowdfunding websites like IndieGogo to help pre-fund their tours and/or shows, I have decided to launch an IndieGogo campaign of my own.

I'm hoping to find a bunch of people who would like to help me get this tour off on the right foot by contributing to my IndieGogo campaign. You can find my campaign by clicking here.

 In exchange for your contribution, you will receive some cool perks. You can receive one of my favourite recipes monthly for the rest of the year, or if you play your cards right, I'll come to your house and cook you dinner for 4 before a show! Check these out:

*All contributions of $25 or more will be added to the Lloyd's Llunch Counter Recipe of the Month Club. You will receive 1 of my favourite recipes by email monthly throughout 2014, with details like where I got the idea & how I made it my own. With each recipe I will include 1 of the food-related jokes or stories I'm working on for Does This Taste Funny?

$2 (Contributor level: Cook) - Each $2 sponsor will receive a digital download of Does This Taste Funny?
All sponsor levels will be thanked in the show program.

$10 (Contributor level: Chef's Apprentice) - Each $10 sponsor will receive a ticket to a Does This Taste Funny? show of their choice. ($15 value). If you're not near a show, I'll donate your ticket to a deserving local charity.

$25 (Contributor level: Demi-Chef) - Each $25 sponsor will receive 2 tickets to a Does This Taste Funny? show of their choice, PLUS a free digital download of the show. ($35 value) 

*All contributions of $25 or more will be added to the Lloyd's Llunch Counter Recipe of the Month Club. You will receive 1 of my favourite recipes by email monthly throughout 2014, with details like where I got the idea & how I made it my own. With each recipe I will include 1 of the food-related jokes or stories I'm working on for Does This Taste Funny?

$50 (Contributor level: Chef de Partie) - Each $50 sponsor will receive TWO pairs of tickets to a Does This Taste Funny? show of their choice, plus a free digital download of the show ($65 value) PLUS you'll be added to the Lloyd's Llunch Counter Recipe of the Month Club throughout 2014.

$100 (Contributor level: Sous Chef) - Each $100 sponsor will receive FOUR pairs of tickets to a Does This Taste Funny? show of their choice, plus a free digital download of the show PLUS a Bay of Funny Comedy t-shirt ($145 value) PLUS you'll be added to the Lloyd's Llunch Counter Recipe of the Month Club throughout 2014.

$250 (Contributor level - Executive Chef) - Each $250 sponsor will get 5 pairs of tickets to a Does This Taste Funny? show of their choice, + a digital download of the show + a Bay of Funny Comedy t-shirt + a bottle of wine ($50-$75 retail) delivered to your home pre-show + cab fare to and from the show (on account of the wine) (approximately $280 value) + you'll be added to the Lloyd's Llunch Counter Recipe of the Month Club for 2014.
If you're not near a show you'll get a liquor store gift card & I'll donate your tickets to charity

$500 (Contributor level - Restaurateur) - Each $500 sponsor will receive TEN PAIRS of tickets to a Does This Taste Funny? show of their choice, plus a free digital download of the show plus a Bay of Funny Comedy t-shirt plus a bottle of wine and cab fare to and from the show PLUS a $150 donation in your name to the charity of your choice, post-tour.(approximately $580 value)
PLUS you'll be added to the Lloyd's Llunch Counter Recipe of the Month Club throughout 2014.

$1,000 (Contributor level - Minister of Food) - Each $1000 sponsor will receive 10 PAIRS of tickets to a Does This Taste Funny? show of their choice, + a free digital download of the show + a Bay of Funny Comedy t-shirt plus a bottle of wine and cab fare to and from the show plus a $150 donation in your name to the charity of your choice, post-tour PLUS Lloyd Ravn will come to your home and prepare a 3-course dinner for 4 people before the show.(priceless?)
PLUS you'll be added to the Lloyd's Llunch Counter Recipe of the Month Club for 2014.

I hope you'll jump on the Does This Taste Funny? bandwagon and make a contribution in exchange for one of the perks outlined above, as well as share my campaign with your friends on Facebook, Twitter and e-mail. Here's the link again:  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/does-this-taste-funny-2014-comedy-tour

Thanks for your support!

Lloyd

Advertising so bold, I will gag

Is it just me, or is the current billboard campaign for Bullseye Barbecue Sauce the least appetizing advertising for a food product ever?

SAUCE SO BOLD PORK WILL PULL ITSELF

Now, I love me a pulled pork sandwich. mmmm. But the idea of pork "pulling itself" puts two, equally revolting images in my head.

First, I imagine a sad little piggy, cutting off its own shoulder, slow-roasting it, basted in a little Bullseye and then pulling it apart (one-handed of course) into tender pieces for my sandwich. I think it would be hard to eat while Porky is crying in the corner.

Secondly, and even more disturbingly, I imagine a pig tasting the sauce and finding it so amazing that he can't resist, ummm, "pulling" himself. By that, I mean pulling one specific part of himself. You know. Down in his bathing-suit area. If pigs wore bathing suits. And if pigs had opposable thumbs.

I love barbecue sauce, however I have never found the flavour to be erotic, but apparently it is like oysters to a pig.

I just hope that the next campaign isn't Bullseye's all-new Hollandaise sauce.

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,

I appreciate your efforts to save our planet, with your "One meal, one napkin" program:

"May we suggest that you use one napkin per meal?"

Thanks for the suggestion, McDonald's.

If you want us to stick to one napkin per meal, may we suggest that you ensure some kind of consistency in your ketchup application? If I knew that there would only be one squirt of ketchup on each quarter pounder, I could feel confident grabbing only one napkin. But one in three quarter pounders has at least three squirts of ketchup, two of which end up on my chin.

Also, since we're making environmentally friendly suggestions, may we suggest that when we say "no thanks" to the "do you want ketchup?" question, that you don't put 40 ketchup packets in the bag. Imagine how many tomatoes are thrown out around the world every day in the form of 40 ketchup packets per drive through visit, plus the extra ketchup squirts on the quarter pounders. Next time there is a tomato shortage, we know who to blame.

Thanks so much. Llove,

Lloyd

Then again...

My last blog post talked about how progressive I thought New Brunswick must be. I mean Moncton has a street named after a drag queen! But then again, I have also seen evidence that in some areas of NB, the French community (particularly the children) are treated unfairly. For example, have a look at these signs at  the McDonald's in Edmunston, NB:

So English kids are allowed to play in the play area until they are 12, but French kids can only play up to age 10? What's up, McDonald's? Something against French pre-teens? If I was a francophone parent in Edmundston, I would be protesting!

This whole court's out of order!

Taken on my Blackberry at the All Seasons Restaurant in Sussex, New Brunswick on July 24, 2009.
A bad day to have had a couple of beers with my meal.

With a compass garnish

Here's a picture I recently took on my Blackberry at the Toronto Zoo:

Talk about a fibre-rich diet.

I wonder how the brownies are

Can anybody explain the sign on the side of Mystic Muffin on the corner of Jarvis and Richmond in Toronto?

"World's Best Apple Cake"

I understand that part. But it's not true, by the way. My mother makes the world's best apple cake.

"Must be legal eating age for a slice."

What is the legal eating age for a slice?

This place got an awesome review on Torontoist.com a couple of years ago here, but I don't care how great the food is, I can't trust any place whose advertising makes my brain hurt.

Too much of a good thing

Here is a picture I took a few months ago of a sign advertising featured dishes in the cafeteria at Bloorview Kids Rehab in Toronto:

Split Pea and Butternut Squash Soup.

I love split pea soup.

I love butternut squash soup.

But the thought of combining them makes me throw up in my mouth just a little.

Press Release: Long-distance Marketing: Tim Hortons Franchisees in New Brunswick Sponsor Toronto Fundraiser in Support of Bloorview Kids Foundation

Long-distance Marketing: Tim Hortons Franchisees in New Brunswick Sponsor Toronto Fundraiser in Support of Bloorview Kids Foundation

Toronto, ON, September 18, 2009

Jim and Chris Andrew, Tim Hortons franchisees in the small town of Sussex, New Brunswick, have signed on for a second time as a presenting sponsor of the Laughs for Possibility Comedy Fundraiser in support of Bloorview Kids Rehab, even though the event they are sponsoring is about 1,500 km away, in Toronto. The business decision to sponsor a fundraising event usually involves an expectation of a certain return on investment for the company involved. But what if your business is a coffee shop located a hard day’s drive from the event? Most operators wouldn’t see business sense in such a proposal. Jim and Chris, on the other hand, see it as an opportunity they can’t pass up.

“We want our business associated with this show because of the chance to help Bloorview after everything Bloorview has done for our family,” said Chris. The Andrews have a close connection to Bloorview, Canada’s largest children’s rehabilitation hospital, through their grandson Eric. In July 2008, while on vacation at his grandparents’ cottage, then 3-year-old Eric experienced a massive stroke, which, once he was healthy enough to be transferred home to Ontario, led to a lengthy course of intensive therapy at Bloorview. “We sat in on one of Eric’s physiotherapy sessions, and knew when we saw the way his therapist was working with him, that Bloorview was a very special place” said Jim of the couple’s attachment to the rehab centre.

When Eric’s father, Lloyd Ravn, an amateur comedian in Toronto, told his in-laws of his plans to produce a live comedy fundraiser for Bloorview, and that he was searching for a corporate sponsor, they jumped on board immediately. This is the second Laughs for Possibility event, following the inaugural show in January 2009 which featured some of Canada’s top comedians, and which was also sponsored by Jim and Chris. Laughs for Possibility 2 will bring out another crop of Canadian comedy superstars to raise funds to help Bloorview reach its vision of “a world of possibility for kids with disability”.

Since the January show, Eric experienced two more strokes, in May 2009 and is back at Bloorview as an inpatient in the Brain Injury Rehab Team (BIRT) wing. As doctors work to find the as yet unknown cause of Eric’s strokes, not to mention how to prevent future relapses, Jim and Chris are happy to be supporting the hospital that is helping Eric recover. “The return to us in sponsoring this show is more on a personal level than a business one,” explained Jim. “But with the hard work everyone at Bloorview is doing to get Eric back to himself, we can expect the payback from the business end when Eric is old enough to come East to work at our stores.”

Tickets for Laughs for Possibility 2 are available at www.laughsforpossibility.com and the full lineup of Canadian comedy superstars who will be helping raise funds for Bloorview’s work with Eric and thousands of other kids with special needs will be announced on the week of September 21.

Event details

Date: Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Time: VIP Reception at 7:00 PM, general admission at 7:30 PM, Show at 8:30 PM

Location: Crowne Plaza Toronto Don Valley Hotel, 1250 Eglinton Ave E, Toronto, Ontario

Tickets cost: $95 for VIP admission (includes pre-show reception); $50 for general admission

Available at www.laughsforpossibility.com

Bloorview Kids Foundation

Bloorview Kids Foundation develops relationships and raises funds from the community for Bloorview Kids Rehab. Bloorview is the gold-standard in care, research, and education for kids with disabilities and their families. As Canada’s largest children’s rehabilitation and complex continuing care teaching hospital, it is an international leader in childhood disability. Bloorview pioneers treatments, technologies, therapies and real-world programs that give children with disabilities the tools to participate fully in life.

Regardless of their disability, kids just want to be kids. Community and private investment is critical to enabling kids with disabilities to live their lives, just like any other kid.

For further information:

Lloyd Ravn, Event Organizer

Tel: 647-929-8916 or lloydravn@hotmail.com

Nicole Watson, Marketing and Communications Manager, Bloorview Kids Foundation

Tel: 416-424-3850 or nwatson@bloorview.ca

Breakfast Wars

A tray liner at McDonald's:

I knew that when Tim Hortons put out their breakfast sandwich, it hurt Egg McMuffin sales, but now they're down to just one a day? Is that per restaurant, or across Canada?

An Open Letter To A McDonald's Drive-Thru

Love, Toronto's insomniac community.

Appetizing

"Elephant Pass Cookings" on Markham Road in Scarborough. My new favourite restaurant name in the world.

Great name, but I wasn't brave enough to test the cookings that were passed by an elephant. Instead, we went next door to McDonald's for cookings that were passed by a clown.

Do they serve apple pie?

Do you know anything about Guyanese culture? Do they eat apple pie in Guyana? Because when I see the picture below, of a slogan for a Guyanese-Chinese restaurant in my neighbourhood, all I can picture is that scene from American Pie.



I Man Love It? What the hell? Is this the headquarters for NAMFLA (North American Man-Food Love Association).

Is this even legal? You hear about strip clubs being raided all the time for innapropriate activity between dancers and patrons. What about inappropriate activity between dessert and patron? (No, I don't mean the girl at the Brass Rail who goes by the stage name of "Dessert", I mean dessert). I am outraged by this depravity in my neighbourhood!

So, who wants to join me to go check this joint out?

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's Canada:

I recently visited one of your stores, in Scarborough, ON. It was McLovely. I had a quarter-pounder combo. It was McDelicious!

Anyhow, I checked my McDonald's Monopoly game piece and found that I won a muffin! In fact, the game piece says that I have won "any baked muffin" or, "tout muffin cuit au four". This is very generous of you, McDonald's. Thank you. I will be coming into my local McDonald's location this weekend to collect my prize. But I do have a question I need answered before I do.

You see, I don't like McDonald's muffins, but since you have generously offered to give me "any" muffin, I would like to cash in my game piece in exchange for a Tim Hortons Fruit Explosion muffin. They are so delicious.

So, when I come in to collect my muffin, should I call the store ahead of time, to give them a chance to go pick up the muffin at Tim Hortons, or do they keep a supply of competitors' muffins on hand? I expect that they do keep them on hand, given the broad offer of "any" muffin. But I just want to make sure.

Or do you have some sort of deal with Tim Hortons where I can just take my prize claim whatsit into them and they will accept it?

If you could please let me know before this weekend, I would appreciate it. I can taste my muffin already. Thanks!

Llove,

Lloyd

I like kids, but...

The other day, we stopped into Harvey's for a burger. And I have been wondering why my weight loss has been stuck at 25 lbs for the past few weeks.

So, I was eating my onion rings and noticed the image on the side of the onion rings container. It says "KIDS" in big letters across the container, with crayola crayons all around it. It's a promotion for their kids menu. Check out this fuzzy picture of the container:



Then, I looked closely, and saw a logo in the corner saying "cooked in trans fat free oil." So, I guess my first impression was wrong. It turns out that this container wasn't promoting the kids menu, but the fact that Harvey's cooks kids in trans fat free oil. Apparently that is a beautiful thing.

Good for them. But is that even legal? And, do cannibals really care about trans fats? Besides, everyone knows that kids are better roasted than deep fried.

Parroty songs

Last night's bloggy whatsit about misheard song lyrics got me thinking about parody songs. As a kid, my best friend Rob and I went through a phase or two of writing parody songs. We wanted to be the next Weird Al. Weird Al Times two, of course, because we did everything together.

And for those of you who have left comments on my blog or on my MySpace or Facebook pages saying that you think my ramblings are funny or that my standup comedy is funny (you're quite right, by the way), you should hang out with Rob. In school, Rob was the one who could have everyone in the room rolling on the floor laughing until they peed. OK, that only happened once, and it was just a little dribble. Leave me alone, ok? Suffice it to say that Rob is funnier than me.

So, back to the parody songs. The first one that I remember us doing was our take on The Bangles' Walk Like an Egyptian. We called it Walk Like an Old Chicken. I don't really remember how it went, but trust me, it was comedy gold.

Probably the best one, though, was when we worked at McDonald's. I was in grade 12 and had a thing for a girl who also worked there (the night I thought we were going to hook up, at the Drive In, of course, she turned to me and said "Lloyd, I'm so comfortable with you, it's like hanging out with one of the girls. I just have to ask, and you can be completely honest - are you gay?" Then she banged one of my friends.)

So, anyway, we wrote a parody song about this girl (who clearly had absolutely no gaydar, if she thought that I was gay!) It was to the tune of AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long. And here it is, or at least here is some of it, as close as I can remember:

She was a McMachine,
She kept her kitchen clean,
She was the best damn crew chief that I'd ever seen.
She made Apple Pies,
Tellin' me no lies.
Knockin' me out with those day-old fries.

(and then I forget the next verse, but the chorus went like this)

You...
Cooked meat all night long!
Yeah you...
Cooked meat all night long!
You really cooked it now,
You...
Cooked meat all night long!
Yeah you cooked meat!
Yeah you cooked meat!
Aaaaall night long!
(big guitar finish)

Writing that song is one of my best memories from high school. I thought it was hilarious.

So, what I'm saying is, maybe her saying she thought I was gay was her nice way of saying "holy shit, you're a big nerd, with your parody songs and whatever. Don't even think about getting into my knickers, loser."

Unfortunate business names

I love when a business is named something that might be awesome in another language, but in English it ends up being a bit unfortunate. (see my previous blog entry on the world's best dry cleaner business name here).

Some others that I have noticed include:

- Reliable Fish & Chips, on Queen St E in Toronto. To me, "reliable" is a term used in employment reference letters when you can't think of anything good to say about the person's work. "Peter was extremely reliable. He showed up every day on time, and we could always count on him to be there when we needed him." What the letter doesn't say is that Peter might as well have stayed home, because he sucked at what we needed him to do.

How's the fish at that place?

Well, it's reliable. It's always there, on the plate, when you order it. Never fails. Always tastes like shit, but it's always there.

- Lucky Driving School, in Scarborough. I think I would prefer the skillful driving school, thanks.

- Nice Haircut, in the Beaches area of Toronto. It always makes me imagine an Abbott and Costello type conversation.

Hey, nice haircut. Where'd you get it?

Nice Haircut.

Yeah, I already said I like it. Where'd you get it?

Nice Haircut!

OK, I was just being polite. It actually looks pretty dumb on you. Where did you get it? Tell me so I can know never to go there.

Nice Haircut!

Are you retarded?

- Ho's Team , a salon in downtown Toronto. The most unfortunate part of this is that it is near one of the most notorious hooker areas in town.

But my current favourite is...

- Beaver Fishery, a wholesale fishmonger in Toronto. "This tuna kind of tastes like..."

I think the Pizza guy is stalking me

The guy at the pizza joint knows way too much about me. I know that it's all in the name of efficiency, but maybe they've taken it too far.

Him: Pizza Pizza, how can I help you?

Me: I'd like to place an order for delivery, please.

Him: OK, and what is your phone number?

Me: 416.410.3382

Him: OK, would you like the same thing you ordered last time?

Me: I don't even remember what I ordered last time.

Him: Oh, I do. Did you like the chicken wings? I know it was your first time ordering those with your pizza.

Me: Yeah, they were fine.

Him: And are you still peeing blood? Or has that little infection cleared up?

These guys know too much.

Are you really going to eat that?

As anyone who has ever been with me at mealtime knows, I will eat pretty much anything. I love good food, but I also love really horrible food. I love eating at the best fine-dining restaurants, and I love eating at McDonald's. But there are a few things I won't eat. At the very top of my "I'll never eat that crap again" list is...

Arby's Cheese Sauce.


How can you people eat that garbage? I think that the only thing worse than eating Arby's Cheese Sauce would be working in the Arby's Cheese Sauce factory. Imagine, on Take Your Kid to Work Day, how humiliating it would be.

Dad: "OK, son, this is the part where Daddy puts the special, secret ingredient into the Arby's Cheese Sauce. I'm going to have to get you to close your eyes while I do this."

Kid: **closes his eyes, but peeks just in time to see Dad take his finger out of his ear and swish it around in the big vat of sauce**

Now, before Arby's lawyers send me a threatening letter, let me be clear that this is a joke. I'm not really insinuating that Arby's Cheese Sauce contains ear wax. Obviously, Arby's is a huge corporation and they employ a very highly-trained team of food development experts.

Those experts have found a way to make cheese sauce taste like ear wax is all I'm saying.

The importance of clarity

I have had the following conversation several times with one particular employee at my local Tim Hortons:

Me: I'll have a toasted chicken club sandwich combo please, on whole wheat bread, with Coke to drink and a chocolate dipped donut.

Her: A chicken club sandwich?

Me: Yes, please. Toasted, on whole wheat bread. As a combo, with Coke and a chocolate-dip.

Her: What kind of bread would you like that on?

Me: Whole wheat please. Toasted. As a combo, with Coke and a chocolate-dip.

Her: Would you like that toasted?

Me: Yes, please. As a combo, with Coke and a chocolate-dipped donut.

Her: OK, would you like that as a combo? You can get a drink and a donut with the combo.

Me: Yes, please. I'll have Coke and a chocolate-dipped donut.

Her: OK. Coffee to drink with your combo?

Me: No, thanks. I'll have a Coke. And. A. Chocolate. Dipped. Donut.

Her: OK. Coke. And what kind of donut?

Me: Hmmmm... I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?

Her: I like the Maple dip.

Me: Fine. Maple dip it is.

Her: OK, anything else?

Me: No thanks. There are only so many hours in a day.

Her: Confused look

I suppose that it would help if I said what I wanted up front rather than wasting her time like that, trying to squeeze the information out of me.