New Tim Hortons Ad Suggestion

Dear Tim Hortons,

I think I've written an amazing tv and radio commercial. Feel free to use it. 

Man, in an office: "Did you know that Tim Hortons (insert whatever you are currently promoting here)?"

Woman standing near him: "Whaaaaat?"

Everyone in the office: "We're you raised by wolves or something? In polite society, we say 'pardon me?'"

Voice over: "Tim Hortons. You've always got time for manners."

BS doesn't kill people

Imagine if the PR people behind the gun lobby started branching out into other industries. How much fun would it be to take the whole "yes, we designed a weapon whose sole purpose is to kill human beings, but we don't advocate killing human beings, and besides you have the right to have these things, so get lots of them!" to, say, the automobile industry.

Picture the fun press conferences:

"Today, we're announcing the new feature on all of our cars: the sharpened bumper. It is much more efficient in taking down pedestrians. Not that we are in favour of killing pedestrians, but it's your right to have a device that could kill pedestrians in the most efficient manner possible. They can take our pedestrian-killers from us when they pry the keys from our cold, dead, hands"

Or the food industry:

"This new product is designed to give all of your dinner guests a fatal form of food posioning. Not that we suggest you use it for that purpose, but this is a matter of basic rights!"

Or the family planning industry:

"These condoms will shoot deadly darts into your lover. Of course, you will only use them for target practice, but don't let the commie pinkos tell you it's wrong to own them!"

Just imagine the batshit-crazy anti-Obama ads they could write.Or the nifty ways they could blame the misuse of these products on homosexuality, Islamification of America, or Super Mario.

Anyway, I was just thinking about that. And that's my right.

Advertising so bold, I will gag

Is it just me, or is the current billboard campaign for Bullseye Barbecue Sauce the least appetizing advertising for a food product ever?

SAUCE SO BOLD PORK WILL PULL ITSELF

Now, I love me a pulled pork sandwich. mmmm. But the idea of pork "pulling itself" puts two, equally revolting images in my head.

First, I imagine a sad little piggy, cutting off its own shoulder, slow-roasting it, basted in a little Bullseye and then pulling it apart (one-handed of course) into tender pieces for my sandwich. I think it would be hard to eat while Porky is crying in the corner.

Secondly, and even more disturbingly, I imagine a pig tasting the sauce and finding it so amazing that he can't resist, ummm, "pulling" himself. By that, I mean pulling one specific part of himself. You know. Down in his bathing-suit area. If pigs wore bathing suits. And if pigs had opposable thumbs.

I love barbecue sauce, however I have never found the flavour to be erotic, but apparently it is like oysters to a pig.

I just hope that the next campaign isn't Bullseye's all-new Hollandaise sauce.

Misplaced Generosity

I took this picture in the bathroom of an Esso station (yes, I was that desperate that I visited a bathroom in an Esso)

If this washroom isn't up to your standards, please tell us. And accept a free air freshener as our thanks.

I decided to donate the air freshener back to the cause. I think they need it more than I do.

To me, this sign is like having a sign in a restaurant saying "if you don't like our food, please let us know. and accept an enrollment in a culinary class as our thanks." Or a hospital saying "if our doctors don't fix what ails you, let us know and we'll give you a medical kit to take home with you."

I didn't know he worked in a grocery store

I saw this sign on a display of apples at my local grocery store.

Apples McIntosh FCY

The FCY part threw me off. I know that it means "Fancy" which is a grade of apples. But when I read it, I thought it was saying "Fucky" which is what angry stand-up comedian Darren Frost often calls audience members. For a split second, I thought Darren had been hired to write these things. Which would be awesome. I also imagine he'd put up signs like:

"They're carrots, dumbfuck."

"These are condoms, please use them so we don't get little fuckies like you."

"It's chocolate cake. You might as well eat the whole thing, lard ass."

"This is non-alcoholic beer. Pussy."

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,

I appreciate your efforts to save our planet, with your "One meal, one napkin" program:

"May we suggest that you use one napkin per meal?"

Thanks for the suggestion, McDonald's.

If you want us to stick to one napkin per meal, may we suggest that you ensure some kind of consistency in your ketchup application? If I knew that there would only be one squirt of ketchup on each quarter pounder, I could feel confident grabbing only one napkin. But one in three quarter pounders has at least three squirts of ketchup, two of which end up on my chin.

Also, since we're making environmentally friendly suggestions, may we suggest that when we say "no thanks" to the "do you want ketchup?" question, that you don't put 40 ketchup packets in the bag. Imagine how many tomatoes are thrown out around the world every day in the form of 40 ketchup packets per drive through visit, plus the extra ketchup squirts on the quarter pounders. Next time there is a tomato shortage, we know who to blame.

Thanks so much. Llove,

Lloyd

A picture says 1000 words

Just how bad are things in the automobile industry? This picture I took on my Blackbery back in August (2009) gives a pretty good idea:

"CLEAROUT: New 2007 Dodge Dakota Ext Cab"

If, in August 2009, with the 2010 models coming out any day now, you are finally trying to clear out your 2007 models, maybe you have a bit of an inventory planning problem.

Imagine going on Dragon's Den, or Shark Tank and saying "I am looking for your investment in my company so I can manufacture enough inventory to sit around for at least three or four years." After telling you that you are a "crazy chicken" and making you look like an idiot for a while, the Dragons or Sharks would, one after another, say something like "this just isn't a good business model, so I'm out."

Of course having a bad business model in the auto industry is a pretty minor detail. If you can't sell your shitty, oversized, gas guzzling trucks, just about every major government in the world will simply give you the money that you couldn't figure out how to actually earn.

I don't have cars that nobody wants to buy, but I do have an inventory of blog posts that nobody wants to read. Maybe I could qualify for a bailout?

Of course you do

A picture taken on my Blackberry on August 8, 2009 in Richmond Hill, Ontario.

"We do implants. Ask Inside"

It's a good thing they included the company name (Richmond Hill Dentistry), or I would have no idea what knid of implants this sign is advertising. It's like a retaurant ad with a bunch of guys in Speedo shorts and the slogan saying "We have sausages."

In this economy, diets are changing

A picture taken on my Blackberry at the Real Canadian Superstore at Don Mills and Eglinton in Toronto:

"Cooking and your Community: Kid Cooking Classes"

I wonder when the Superstore marketing team identified "Fairy Tale Witches" as their target market?

Advertising is for the dogs

Here's a picture I took on my Blackberry of a billboard at the Eaton Centre in Toronto on August 2, 2009:



It is advertising a playday for Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. A playday for dogs. Advertised on a billboard in a busy mall in downtown Toronto. Best billboard ad sales guy ever.

A common marketing mistake

I love seeing an advertising campaign that was meant to convey a particular message, but which could be taken to mean something else entirely. Especially when the unintended meaning is the exact opposite of the message that the advertiser would want to be express.
For instance, check out this billboard for the Toronto Star newspaper:

It's a bit blurry, so in case you can't see it, the slogan is "Until common sense is actually common."
I assume that they mean "as long as things happen because of people (such as those in government) failing to use common sense, we will report those things." But my first thought was that it might mean "until the general population has enough common sense to make up their own minds about things rather than reading our slanted, biased views, we shall continue to spread our propaganda."
I think mine is probably more accurate, but still not what they meant.

To make a long story short...

Here's a picture I took with my Blackberry of a sign in a store window on University Ave in Toronto, listing the store's new operating hours.

It says:

Monday: 10 am - 5 pm

Tuesday: Closed

Wednesday: Closed

Thursday: Closed

Friday: Closed

Saturday: Closed

Sunday: Closed

As badly as I feel for the business owner that things are going that poorly, I couldn't help but laugh, thinking about how much easier it would have been to say:

Monday: 10 am - 5 pm

Tuesday-Sunday: Closed

The way they wrote it, you keep reading, hoping for better news later in the week, but just get disapointed.

On second thought, if you are paying rent for a retail space at University and College, and things are so bad that you are only open one day a week, maybe you would be smarter to make the sign say:

"Closed. Space for Rent"

I wonder how the brownies are

Can anybody explain the sign on the side of Mystic Muffin on the corner of Jarvis and Richmond in Toronto?

"World's Best Apple Cake"

I understand that part. But it's not true, by the way. My mother makes the world's best apple cake.

"Must be legal eating age for a slice."

What is the legal eating age for a slice?

This place got an awesome review on Torontoist.com a couple of years ago here, but I don't care how great the food is, I can't trust any place whose advertising makes my brain hurt.

Almost the Best Advertising Campaign Ever

Here are some pictures I took on my Blackberry of an ad that was posted in front of my apartment building. There were a few reasons why I took the pictures.
First, this is my new favourite company name:

"Raja Come Back Moving Service"

It sounds like a moving service for men whose wives are taking them back after kicking them out for a while.

Secondly, I love the slogan.

"Go Baby, Go!"
I don't know why, but I think that is the best slogan of all time. If General Motors had used that slogan years ago, they wouldn't be in the mess they're in now!

But reason number C is probably my favourite. As if marketing only to forgiven husbands wasnt enough of a niche market, they are only targeting people 8 feet tall or higher.

I am 6'3" and had to stand on my tippy-toes and hold the Blackberry over my head to take these pictures. I'm pretty sure there's not a single Toronto Raptor living in my building, so I think that while they are obviously geniuses at niche marketing, they have problems with geographic targeting.

Confi-dunce

Here is a picture of a junk-mail piece we received a while ago for a service in Toronto called "Dial-a-bottle" who will deliver booze to your house for you when you are already too drunk to go get more yourself:

Do you see the problem with this ad? They list the products they will deliver like this:
Beer
Liquor
Wine
How can we have any confidence in a company that specializes in booze, but clearly doesn't understand the first rule of drinking? Every self-respecting drunk knows "beer before liquor, never been sicker."
Amateurs.

Breakfast Wars

A tray liner at McDonald's:

I knew that when Tim Hortons put out their breakfast sandwich, it hurt Egg McMuffin sales, but now they're down to just one a day? Is that per restaurant, or across Canada?

A strange way to make a statement

Someone at Jodi's work recommended fuZion wine, so she bought a bottle. I wasn't impressed. But then I looked at the name again. Not only was it not so great wine, but it is anti-semetic!

F.U. Zion? Who takes out their hatred of Zionists by starting up a winery? That's odd.

A new kind of discrimination

Mr Lube ad on Victoria Park Ave in Scarborough: "You don't need an appointment. Just a car."


This just in: Mr. Lube taken to Human Rights Tribunal after refusing to serve customers who own trucks and vans.

More Unfortunate Branding

The Nursery School my son Eric attends is located within a public school in Scarborough. Across the hall is also a day care centre. Of course, the day care centre feeds the kids hot meals each day. I noticed one day that the holding dish thingies that they use have a confusing looking brand.

I think it's supposed to say "Duke" but when I look at it, my first thought is always...


Puke. Do you see it too, or is it just me?

An Open Letter To A McDonald's Drive-Thru

Love, Toronto's insomniac community.