Advertising so bold, I will gag

Is it just me, or is the current billboard campaign for Bullseye Barbecue Sauce the least appetizing advertising for a food product ever?

SAUCE SO BOLD PORK WILL PULL ITSELF

Now, I love me a pulled pork sandwich. mmmm. But the idea of pork "pulling itself" puts two, equally revolting images in my head.

First, I imagine a sad little piggy, cutting off its own shoulder, slow-roasting it, basted in a little Bullseye and then pulling it apart (one-handed of course) into tender pieces for my sandwich. I think it would be hard to eat while Porky is crying in the corner.

Secondly, and even more disturbingly, I imagine a pig tasting the sauce and finding it so amazing that he can't resist, ummm, "pulling" himself. By that, I mean pulling one specific part of himself. You know. Down in his bathing-suit area. If pigs wore bathing suits. And if pigs had opposable thumbs.

I love barbecue sauce, however I have never found the flavour to be erotic, but apparently it is like oysters to a pig.

I just hope that the next campaign isn't Bullseye's all-new Hollandaise sauce.

Advertising is for the dogs

Here's a picture I took on my Blackberry of a billboard at the Eaton Centre in Toronto on August 2, 2009:



It is advertising a playday for Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. A playday for dogs. Advertised on a billboard in a busy mall in downtown Toronto. Best billboard ad sales guy ever.

Trying So Hard

This blurry picture is of a notice that was posted above the garbage can in my apartment building's lobby:

It says "PLEASE DO NOT DISPOSE OF YOUR DOG FECES (POOP) IN THE FRONT FOYER..."
It makes me laugh because they tried to take the high road and say "feces" but decided that it would be a good idea to clarify and say "poop" afterall. For people who don't know what feces means. Or for people who think poop is the funniest word in the English language.

Number 1 on the list of places to never visit

Gorilla Rain Forest? I never want to be in a forest where it rains gorillas! What kind of umbrella do you need for that place?

Golden Honey

This is the first page in a Winnie-the-Pooh book our kids have:

Winnie-the-Pooh loves honey.

Honey? Look again.


Is it just me, or does it look like Pooh is peeing in the jars. Is "honey" a code word? Is Pooh Bear into "watersports"?

Superstar doggie

In some ways, 2008 was a tough year in our house. Our 3-year-old, Eric, had a major stroke in July. From July to December, he was in the hospital, either as an in-patient or a day-patient, when he had to be at the hospital all day every day for intense therapy.



As time passed, it was hard for us to balance everything, and the one who was suffering was our dog, Ivan. If you've followed my blog, you know about Ivan. But poor Ivan was alone all the time, and not getting the attention or exercise he needed and deserved. So we made the decision to find him a home where he would get that attention.



Now, it seems that it was a good decision for Ivan. We think that his new family recognized the star potential in him and have him on TV already. Check out this picture I took of a commercial for Idomo furniture store that was on TV in January.

If that isn't Ivan, it's his brother or sister. For sure. I know it.

And don't give me the "all huskies look alike" thing. That's Ivan. I know it.

Unless, of course, all huskies look alike.

More clumsy animals

Get your nose out of my butt!


Another tree collision



This poor deer has his antlers stuck between the trees.




Clumsiest ducks ever.

Jodi's right. I need help.

A Tribute To Clumsy Animals

At Bloorview Kids Rehab Centre, in Toronto, where my son Eric recevies treatment, they have a lovely carved woodland scene near the elevators on the basement level, on your way to the pools.
At first glance, it seems to be just a lovely woodland scene. Then, you realize it is more than that.

It turns out to be a tribute to clumsy animals. For instance:

Look at this scene, with a mommy deer and her baby fawn. So nice. Until...

You realize that THE MOTHER DEER HAS PUT HER HOOF THROUGH THE BABY'S BACK!

And what about these happy duckies?


Just happy duckies? Look again.

This one flew right into a tree! Appropriate, I suppose, in a hospital whose mission includes helping kids with brain injuries.

More to follow...

Dog Walking 101

Now that it's warming up and people are getting their dogs out again (See previous post), it's time for a few reminders.

1. If your dog doesn't come when you call, your dog should be on a leash.
2. If your dog is aggressive towards other dogs, your dog should be on a leash.
3. If your dog is aggressive towards people, your dog should be on a leash.
4. If your dog will steal from people's picnics, your dog should be on a leash.
5. If you are walking a dog, YOUR DOG SHOULD BE ON A LEASH!

That about sums it up.

Sister Squirrel

I hate that sometimes I blurt out things that sound funny in my head, and once they leave my lips, they just dound dumb. Everybody does this, but I do it to strangers, which makes it sound dumb and creepy.

One day last summer, I was in walking the dog in the park and a family came along on their bikes. It was a little boy, a little girl, their mother, and what I assume was a visitor from England. They were showing this lady around the neighbourhood, and the kids pointing out landmarks (that's the tree that we like to climb, that's a totem pole, that's where we have picnics sometimes, etc). She would ask them questions in her lovely Northern England accent.

Then, the little boy pointed to a squirrel and said "and that's a chick-munk." His mother corrected him and said "no, dear, that's a squirrel" and the visitor said "but what's a chick-munk?"

I was walking just past them at this point, and before I even realized I was speaking, I said "a nun."

I walked away, amused at myself, leaving them wondering what was wrong with me.

The Virgin and Puppy

So I just got home to Toronto after a couple of weeks "back home" in Sussex, New Brunswick visiting family. It was nice.

Something that caught my eye while I was there was a news story in the local weekly paper, The Kings County Record. It was a full-page. Colour. Must be big news, eh?

Apparently a local canine agility group staged a production of the Nativity story at a church to raise money for an animal shelter in the closest town big enough to have an animal shelter. Nice. A good cause. And so festive

Did I mention that each part in the play was performed by dogs? Check it out.

I heard some people commenting that they felt this was sacreligious or something (keep in mind that this is a rural and conservative area). I don't see it that way. I just think it's bizarre. And it's one thing for people to do it, and for people to come see it. But it's another thing altogether the newspaper to run a FULL-PAGE STORY about dogs dressed up as the three Weimaraner Men. Even in a town of 5,000 there are more important things to put in the newspaper than this. It is not nearly impressive enough to warrant a full page in colour.

You want to impress me? Get the dogs to stage a production of Cats. Then I'll come out to see Bandit's interpretation of the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.

Dogs Away

Even though we are having a nice warm spell here in Toronto, there is no denying that winter is just around the corner. Before long, people will be bundling up, staying inside, turning on the furnace, and putting away the dogs for the season.



We got our dog, Ivan the Siberian, at the Toronto Humane Society, and we didn't even think to ask if they had any seasonal models. He is one of the old-school dogs that needs to be walked all year long. It seems that many of my neighbours have the new-fangled seasonal dogs. I'm very curious about these dogs, and I would be interested in getting one the next time we are dog shopping.

Maybe you haven't heard about them, and I can relate. I haven't actually heard anyone talking about the seasonal dogs. I haven't seen them advertised, or read about them, or even seen them for sale at the local PetSmart. But I know they exist, because there are loads of them here in Toronto.

It's the only explanation I can come up with to explain where all the dogs go. All summer long, the park is full of people walking their dogs. Then, as soon as the temerature drops and the snow falls, it's just me and Ivan. Obviously, if all of the mutts in the park were standard dogs, they would still need to be walked in the cooler weather. But not these dogs. Obviously, the owners are able to store the dogs in the closet, or in the garage for the winter, in some form of stasis. Surely they aren't refusing to walk the dogs just because the weather isn't so balmy? Because that would be cruel.

So, if you know where I can get a summer-only dog, let me know.

My Summer Vacation, Part II

Like I said in my last bloggy whatsit, when I saw the picture of me on the beach at my sister-in-law's wedding, I realised that my thinning hair was getting out of control. I looked like a goof. So, in mid-July, I shaved it off.

Now, rather than looking like a balding 30-something guy, I look like a beluga whale.



So, I spent the rest of the summer, in Toronto, Sussex and Cavendish, getting my melon burned. It's better now.

Well, I guess that was my summer. Fun, huh?

Llearn about animals with Lloyd

I want you, the readers of this blog, to come away from your blog reading time feeling educated, if nothing else. So, for today's blog post, I am sharing an educational video I put together about animals.

The video was filmed by my wife's neice, Reilly, when we took her and her sister, Taylor to the African Lion Safari, a "drive-through zoo" near Toronto on the May long weekend. It is very educational, and of course, I saved the best learning experience for last. I think that the closing scene was a real highlight of their trip to Toronto, based on how much they talked about it, so I wanted to share it with you.

Click here to watch the video.

Enjoy!

Llove,

Lloyd

Games squirrels play

The following is a conversation between two squirrels in Thomson Park in Scarborough:

Squirrel 1: "Hey, do you hear that?"

Squirrel 2: "What? All I hear is an ambulance pulling into Scarborough General."

Squirrel 1: "Listen closely."

Squirrel 2: "Ah! A rollerblader! Do you think it could be...?"

Squirrel 1: "YES! I think I hear the pitter-patter of a dog running too."

Squirrel 2: "You're right! Look, coming around the corner! It's that big awkward guy with his husky!"

Squirrel 1: "I'll bet you three acorns and this half-eaten hamburger bun I found under the picnic table that I can get the dog to chase me into the woods, and that the guy will hold onto the leash, trying to keep the dog under control, eventually crashing into the bushes over there."

Squirrel 2: "You're on! Even that guy can't be so stupid that he wouldn't let go of the leash."

A passing blackbird: "I've gotta see this!"

Squirrel 1: "Ready... here I go! HEY DOGGY! LOOKATME! I'M DELICIOUS!"

Dog: "Huh? FOOD!"

Squirrel 2: "OHMYGOD! LOOK AT THAT!"

Blackbird: "I didn't know humans could fly!"

Squirrel 2: "Wow, you almost did it! He totally would have crashed into those bushes if that big patch of mud hadn't been there. Man, did you see how he lurched forward when the wheels on his skates got stuck in that mud?"

Squirrel 1: "Man, that was completely worth losing the acorns and hamburger bun just to see the look on his face as he belly-flopped onto the ground. Stupid humans."

Squirrel 2: "HAHAHAHA! And now look at him - yelling at the dog, and the dog's looking all sorry-like and pretending he doesn't understand English!"

Blackbird: "Funniest thing I've seen all day."

I hate squirrels.

A Short History of Animal Studies

I have been slowly reading Bill Bryson's book A Short History of Nearly Everything. It's a good read.

I read with interest Bryson's explanation for the extinction of various animal species. He talks about things like meteors, climate change, etc. But I have since learned of another way that many species became extinct, and Bryson doesn't even touch on this in his book. Here's the story of how I made this important scientific discovery.

A couple of weeks ago, we visited our friends Mike and Lori. They fed us a delicious dinner, drinks and good conversation. You'd think that would be enough, but not for these two. On top of all that, they went out and bought our son a nice toy.

It's a little Noah's Ark, by Mega Blocks. Nice! Eric loves it.

"But Lloyd, what does this lovely toy have to do with extinction?"

I'm getting to it. Relax.

I bet you thought you knew the story of Noah's Ark, didn't you? Well, you thought wrong! Noah looks all nice and happy and harmless, standing there with all of his animals. But look closer. On the other side of the ark.

What is that, sticking out of the ark?

Hey! That looks like a plank! What is this, a pirate ship?

I've come up with a theory based on this discovery of the plank on Noah's Ark. It seems that old Noah got looking around at his animal friends and decided that there was no room for the two-headed sheep.

Or the siamese giraffe.

He rounded up all of the animals he saw as too freakish to live, and made them walk the plank.
.


One by one

And then he stood, smiling, watching them drown.


Old Noah doesn't seem like such a great animal rights activist now, does he?

You don't believe me? Have you ever seen a two-headed sheep? Or a siamese giraffe? I rest my case.

Well no wonder it's bad for the doggies!

The front page of The Globe and Mail's website currently has an article about the recent pet food scandal which has led to the death of puppies and kitties everywhere, not to mention massive lawsuits.

After an enquiry, Menu Foods, the company in question, now knows the cause of the problem with their pet foods. Have a look at the headline:



Now, I haven't read the article, but I can't believe that they were putting TAINT in the pet food! No wonder it is killing animals.

Taint, as I'm sure most cultured people (like myself) know, is the slang term for the perineum (which is the bit between your genitals and your bum-hole). Look it up if you don't believe me. You know, T'aint your balls, and t'aint your hole. It's your taint.

Now, I know dogs have a real fascination with this part of human bodies, but that doesn't mean that they want it in their food! I mean, that's just unsanitary! (I'm assuming it's human taint they used, but like I said, I never read the article).

I think it's time we call on the pet food manufacturers to stop using Taint in their food. Enough is enough! I urge you all to join me in e-mailing the Pet Food Association of Canada to demand that they stop this disgusting practice. Send your angry message to: info@pfac.com.

Llove,

Lloyd

Found Pictures

As I mentioned, I am on vacation, visiting family in New Brunswick. Included in the family we are visiting are 12 nieces and nephews on my side, and three on my wife's side.

One of the best things about visiting when neices and nephews are around is "found pictures". When we leave our digital camera sitting around, you can count on one of the younger kids picking it up and taking some pictures without us knowing about it. Then, when we browse through the pictures later, we usually find something unexpected that makes us laugh.

I wouldn't have expected that my wife's youngest neice, who is in grade five, would have known about Kids in the Hall, particularly their "crushing your head" sketch. But, I guess I was wrong.

Ivan looks thrilled to be in Reilly's re-creation of this classic sketch.

If I find any more good found pictures during the rest of my trip, I'll share them with you. Meanwhile, I have to get Ivan to the vet, to get his crushed head fixed.

Llove,

Lloyd

Why? No, really. Why?

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted September 12, 2006.

Hey, assholes. When you are in the park, and you see me coming, on rollerblades, being pulled by a 70-lb husky at top speed, what is it that makes you want to whistle at the dog, or make kissey or clicking noises or whatever, to get his attention?

Are you a retard?

What have I ever done to you that makes you want to hurt me?

I hate you.

Taking a ribbing

Copied from my MySpace blog. Originally posted August 26, 2006.

The local Rotary Club puts on a ribfest every year in the park across from our house. This was our first summer in this house, so it was the first time we had heard of it. I like food, beer and music, so we went to check it out.

I had never been to a ribfest before, and when I saw the signs all over Scarborough advertising it, I pictured some old Rotary dudes standing over a BBQ, re-heating pre-cooked ribs they bought from GFS or Sysco or something.

It turns out that it's a big-ass party, with companies coming from all over to cook their ribs. They call them ribbers. Not to be confused with rubbers, which do not mix well with barbecue sauce. Apparently. (or so the Trojan company claimed when I asked them why their product failed).

Anyhow, we went a few times, since it was just across the street and we could just bring the grub home to eat, rather than sit there with the inbred folks who seem to frequent ribfests.

My favourite ribber was Blazin' BBQ. Because the girls working there were hot. Hot like the fire on which they cooked my Chicken 'n' Rib Combo. Yes, that hot.

Llittle Lloyd liked the ribs too. I apologize in advance if the following pictures make any vegetarians gag.

You think he's messy, you should have seen my sauce-glazed face!

So, the ribfest was pretty good. The problem is after the ribfest. It's been almost three weeks since this thing ended, and our park is still littered with rib bones and chicken bones. You try walking a dog under those conditions. It's like navigating a mine field.

Ivan has been called, by someone who dogsits him on occasion, a "nose on legs". He will find any piece of anything tasty within a one mile radius. Then he will eat it. And when that anything tasty happens to be a pork rib bone or a chicken bone, chances are, he will later puke it up in my house.

Or, even better, it will get lodged in his guts, backing everything up for a couple of days, until it works its way free, resulting in a spray of dog shit and rib bone, wherever the dog happens to be standing at the time.

Now, my dog is cute.

But no amount of cute is worth that.

Every walk, I find myself digging down his throat, fishing out someone else's table scraps. Nice. And if I'm lucky, he won't bite me too hard when I am doing it.

People see me doing it, and give me a look like "lighten up, man. Dogs have been eating food scraps for generations." Well, you come clean up the living room floor after he pukes it up and then see how much you can lighten up, buddy.

So, what I'm trying to say here is: please, do me a favour. BOYCOTT THE SCARBOROUGH RIBFEST NEXT YEAR! Unless, of course, you really want to check out the hotties working at the Blazin' BBQ stand. It's probably worth it.

Llove,

Lloyd