BUT I WANNA SIT NEXT TO THE GUY WITH THE NICE HAIR!

My wife and I moved to Toronto in 1999. Technically, we moved to Mississauga, but as far as anyone back in New Brunswick is concerned, we moved to Toronto. We did officially move to the 416 the next year. The point is, we've lived in Toronto and area for a few years now. I love it here. But people back home think we're crazy for living here and even crazier for liking it.

Some guy back home: "How can you live there? People there are so rude!"

Me: "Have you ever even been to Toronto?"

Guy: "Well, no, but everyone knows that people there are rude. And it's dirty. And dangerous! How can you raise your son in such a terrible place?"

I dunno, sifting through garbage for lunch, getting mugged and running with a gang will only make a kid stronger. Don't be an idiot. People in Toronto are fine. For the most part, it's a nice, safe, clean city. Of course there are exceptions, but there are exceptions everywhere.

Then they bring out the whole "yeah, but what a bunch of whiners! A little bit of snow and they bring in the army!" Everyone in Canada laughs about that, and sees it as yet another reason to hate Toronto.

First of all, that was a few years ago - get over it. Secondly, it's not like Moncton or Red Deer - it's not as easy to remove a big mess of snow from Toronto's busy, tightly packed streets. You just don't understand. Toronto is not full of whining babies.

Well, maybe I'm wrong. At least as far as City Hall is concerned. Yesterday, our City Council got together for a group portrait. Sounds simple? Not for these whining babies. The whole thing got called off when they couldn't stop fighting about who got to sit in the front row.

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN CHARGE OF MY TAX DOLLARS! What is this, class picture day? If these clowns can be elected to office, then surely to God I can too. So, it's decided! I'm going to run in the next municipal election. Yes, it's a few years off now, but that just means that I'll have lots of time to plan my campaign.

I've already come up with a few great ideas for campaign promises. I've decided that I will run my campaign on their level. My first three promises will be:

-Longer recess time across the whole city.
-Every day will be pizza day.
-Dimmer lights and fewer chaperones at dances.

Based on the maturity level of the current Council, I think these promises alone will make me a real contender. I trust I can count on your vote?