Happy Belated Independence Day

Since I did a Happy Belated Canada Day blog post yesterday, and since I am too lazy to write a whole new blog, I am posting a Happy Belated Independence Day blog today in honour of all of my American blog readers. I hope you all had a great July 4.

To show support for my American brothers, I am simply going to post a link to a previous blog that I posted, with American content in it. That is my (belated) 4th of July present to you all. Click here.

Llove,

Lloyd

Happy Belated Birthday, Canada

Happy belated Canada Day, everyone. Well, not everyone.

I have a different message for the people who decided that the best way to celebrate the 140th birthday of our country was to spend the day in a beautiful park (say, for instance, Thomson Park in Scarborough, near my house), having a picnic and leaving their picnic garbage scattered everywhere in the park that they had thought earlier in the day was a lovely enough park for them to enjoy a family outing in. Then, when the sun went down, they decided to set off some fireworks right outside my two-year old's bedroom window, waking him up. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a complete scrooge. I am more than willing to spend a few sleepless hours shushing my son back to sleep while people celebrate our great country's birthday. But after they were done waking my whole family with their fireworks, why couldn't they pick up the little tubes and the empty boxes and bags and food bits that ended up scattered around the field while they were celebrating? Is Canada good enough to celebrate, but not good enough to keep clean? JUST PICK UP YOUR STUFF AND TAKE IT TO THE TRASH CAN AFTER YOUR PICNIC AND FIREWORKS!!!

To those people, my beleated Canada Day message is: I hope your Uncle Fred undercooked the hamburgers on the barbecue, giving the whole family a bad dose of e. coli and leaving you all relying on dialysis for the rest of your life.

Once again, to everyone who cleaned up after themselves after their celebrations: Happy Belated Canada Day.

Llove,

Lloyd

New Open Mic Comedy Show in Toronto This Weekend

Hey Toronto-area comedy fans,

Local stand up comic Adam McFawn is starting a new open mic show Sunday May 27 at Rocky Raccoon's, 2579 Yonge St (2nd floor). It is 5 streets north of Eglinton, on the East side of Yonge St.

I'll be doing a set, along with several other local comics. Come out and have a laugh and support a new room in town.

See you there!

Llove,

Lloyd

Llearn about animals with Lloyd

I want you, the readers of this blog, to come away from your blog reading time feeling educated, if nothing else. So, for today's blog post, I am sharing an educational video I put together about animals.

The video was filmed by my wife's neice, Reilly, when we took her and her sister, Taylor to the African Lion Safari, a "drive-through zoo" near Toronto on the May long weekend. It is very educational, and of course, I saved the best learning experience for last. I think that the closing scene was a real highlight of their trip to Toronto, based on how much they talked about it, so I wanted to share it with you.

Click here to watch the video.

Enjoy!

Llove,

Lloyd

Games squirrels play

The following is a conversation between two squirrels in Thomson Park in Scarborough:

Squirrel 1: "Hey, do you hear that?"

Squirrel 2: "What? All I hear is an ambulance pulling into Scarborough General."

Squirrel 1: "Listen closely."

Squirrel 2: "Ah! A rollerblader! Do you think it could be...?"

Squirrel 1: "YES! I think I hear the pitter-patter of a dog running too."

Squirrel 2: "You're right! Look, coming around the corner! It's that big awkward guy with his husky!"

Squirrel 1: "I'll bet you three acorns and this half-eaten hamburger bun I found under the picnic table that I can get the dog to chase me into the woods, and that the guy will hold onto the leash, trying to keep the dog under control, eventually crashing into the bushes over there."

Squirrel 2: "You're on! Even that guy can't be so stupid that he wouldn't let go of the leash."

A passing blackbird: "I've gotta see this!"

Squirrel 1: "Ready... here I go! HEY DOGGY! LOOKATME! I'M DELICIOUS!"

Dog: "Huh? FOOD!"

Squirrel 2: "OHMYGOD! LOOK AT THAT!"

Blackbird: "I didn't know humans could fly!"

Squirrel 2: "Wow, you almost did it! He totally would have crashed into those bushes if that big patch of mud hadn't been there. Man, did you see how he lurched forward when the wheels on his skates got stuck in that mud?"

Squirrel 1: "Man, that was completely worth losing the acorns and hamburger bun just to see the look on his face as he belly-flopped onto the ground. Stupid humans."

Squirrel 2: "HAHAHAHA! And now look at him - yelling at the dog, and the dog's looking all sorry-like and pretending he doesn't understand English!"

Blackbird: "Funniest thing I've seen all day."

I hate squirrels.

An Open Letter

To the fat, dirty dude with messed up teeth and a starving girlfriend (cousin?) who I saw at the Emergency department at Scarborough General Hospital a couple of weeks ago:

As you stood there, under the big sign that said "TRIAGE", loudly calling the nurse an "ignorant bitch" because she checked in the woman who looked to be near death before she checked in your girlfriend with a tummy ache, I wanted to suggest that you make a trip to the library to look up triage in the dictionary (because I just assumed that you don't have a dictionary at home). Then, I looked at you again and decided that the odds of you knowing where to find the local library were almost as slim as the odds of you knowing how to read.

Also, please do us all a big favour next time, and try to find a shirt that fits. Or if you only have ill-fitting shirts, maybe if you are going out into public, you could wear the one without mysterious stains all over the front of it.

Thankssomuch!

Llove,

Lloyd

A Short History of Animal Studies

I have been slowly reading Bill Bryson's book A Short History of Nearly Everything. It's a good read.

I read with interest Bryson's explanation for the extinction of various animal species. He talks about things like meteors, climate change, etc. But I have since learned of another way that many species became extinct, and Bryson doesn't even touch on this in his book. Here's the story of how I made this important scientific discovery.

A couple of weeks ago, we visited our friends Mike and Lori. They fed us a delicious dinner, drinks and good conversation. You'd think that would be enough, but not for these two. On top of all that, they went out and bought our son a nice toy.

It's a little Noah's Ark, by Mega Blocks. Nice! Eric loves it.

"But Lloyd, what does this lovely toy have to do with extinction?"

I'm getting to it. Relax.

I bet you thought you knew the story of Noah's Ark, didn't you? Well, you thought wrong! Noah looks all nice and happy and harmless, standing there with all of his animals. But look closer. On the other side of the ark.

What is that, sticking out of the ark?

Hey! That looks like a plank! What is this, a pirate ship?

I've come up with a theory based on this discovery of the plank on Noah's Ark. It seems that old Noah got looking around at his animal friends and decided that there was no room for the two-headed sheep.

Or the siamese giraffe.

He rounded up all of the animals he saw as too freakish to live, and made them walk the plank.
.


One by one

And then he stood, smiling, watching them drown.


Old Noah doesn't seem like such a great animal rights activist now, does he?

You don't believe me? Have you ever seen a two-headed sheep? Or a siamese giraffe? I rest my case.