Thursday, January 31, 2008

I cried because I had $10 shoes

I had to buy shoes for my son. Usually, we have to buy good shoes, because of his problems walking. But these were shoes to fit over the little braces he wears on his legs a few hours a day (properly called Ankle-Foot Orthotics, or AFOs). So, his physiotherapist suggested that we buy cheap shoes from Wal-Mart, as they tend to be the ones that work best with the braces. So, I finaly find the shoe section in the massive Wal-Mart on Eglinton Avenue in Scarborough. This store is bigger than my hometown. I'm standing there, looking at the shoes, trying to find a pair that will fit the braces properly, and in the 15 minutes that I was there, no less than 5 women came through and said "Look at these prices! Who does Wal-Mart think they are, charging so much for shoes? It's a crime!" and then storm off.

There isn't a pair of kids shoes there for more than $20.00! Where are these women buying their kids' shoes? Are they making them at home? Where else can you get shoes for $10? I know, some people can't even afford $10 shoes. But each of these women was dressed in designer clothes that cost a lot more than $10, from stores that look and smell a lot nicer than Wal-Mart. At what point do you say "I can't spend $10 on my kid's shoes, because then I would come up short for the silver sequined top and matching bracelet that I saw at Le Chateau?

Maybe I just don't get it because I would look like shit in the silver sequined top from Le Chateau.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Next Stop: World Domination

Apparently, in Texas these days, it isn't cool to use racial slurs anymore. Welcome to modern times, Texas!

Although, to be fair, it's not like they're not being racist anymore. It's just that they are trying not to get caught being racist. So, instead of using everyone's favourite racial slurs, like the N word, they have decided to come up with a code. The key to cracking the code isn't too hard. They just picked one word, and substituted it for all of the racial slurs they didn't want to be heard uttering anymore. That word: Canadian. Click here for the whole story.

It's about time someone down there noticed us! I feel so honoured that our country has become such an important part of the South's time-honoured tradition of bigotry!

This information has helped me make up my mind as to who I will be cheering on in the U.S. elections. I really hope Barak Obama wins. Because wouldn't it be cool to finally have a Canadian in the White House?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Screw It

My father-in-law is a man's man. He was a local hockey star when he was younger. Worked in construction for years, during the big boom in Calgary. He has a hunting camp. He drives a four-wheeler, which he hauls around in his massive pick up truck.

So, I often wonder how he felt when Jodi brought me home to meet him, about 13 years ago. "This is Lloyd. He dropped out of studies for an English degree, and now he's planning to go to cooking school. No, he doesn't own a car, or even know anything about cars. In fact, his father's car has a flat and he's hoping you could help change it because he has no idea how to."

I haven't gotten any manlier over the years, either, as I have pointed out previously. But he's always been good about overlooking my wimpishness. He must have been really proud the day when, during a visit a couple of months ago, he was helping me install a new light fixture in the dining room. He said "Lloyd, could you grab me a Phillips screwdriver?"

I ran to the basement to my toolbox (which is the toolbox that my knives came in during cooking school) and dug around. I went back upstairs and said, "sorry, no Phillips, just Black and Decker and Mastercraft. Is one of those ok?"

I. Am. Hopeless.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Think it through

Men and women are different. It's true. Maybe someday a stand up comic will expand on this theory and do some comedy about the differences between men and women. That would be refreshing.

I first became aware of this apparent difference between men and women recently, when I noticed that my friend Rebecca and I had each reacted differently to a news story. Perhaps it's because of our gender, I said. I think I might be onto something.

She had e-mailed me a link to a news article from Reuters about a guy in Poland who nipped into the local brothel (maybe he made a mistake and thought it was something else, like a Registered Massage Therapist that he could claim on his employee health benefits plan. I'm not sure, but I think we can give him the benefit of the doubt). When he got inside, he couldn't help but notice that one of the "service providers" happened to be his lovely wife of 14 years. He immediately asked her what she was doing there.

Check it out.

So Rebecca's reaction to this story was "question is, what are YOU doing here?" Fair enough. I guess I can see how that question would eventually come up. But the first thing I thought when I read the story was entirely different. I focused in on the last line in the article.

"The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported."

He's divorcing her? That's not so bright. He just earned a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card. For the rest of his life, he can come home, smelling like the brothel and if she says anything he can say "Hey, you used to work there! How many guys did you get it on with in a night while you worked there? Know how many of your former colleagues I had the sexings with tonight? Only one, because I am so full of self-restraint."

He didn't think it through before going ahead with the divorce. Should have called me for advice.

Monday, January 14, 2008

One month

Yesterday marked one month since my second son, Alex was born. I can't believe it's already been a month. On the other hand, it seems like he's been with us forever.

I think that the strangest thing about having two sons is using the phrase "the boys" and not meaning my no-no bits.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Do they serve apple pie?

Do you know anything about Guyanese culture? Do they eat apple pie in Guyana? Because when I see the picture below, of a slogan for a Guyanese-Chinese restaurant in my neighbourhood, all I can picture is that scene from American Pie.

Guyanese Restaurant Man Love

I Man Love It? What the hell? Is this the headquarters for NAMFLA (North American Man-Food Love Association).

Is this even legal? You hear about strip clubs being raided all the time for innapropriate activity between dancers and patrons. What about inappropriate activity between dessert and patron? (No, I don't mean the girl at the Brass Rail who goes by the stage name of "Dessert", I mean dessert). I am outraged by this depravity in my neighbourhood!

So, who wants to join me to go check this joint out?

I never knew Eugene Levy was Guyanese

Thursday, January 10, 2008

And The Award Goes To...

The Lloyd MMusic AAward for Least Inspired Name Ever for a Duo or Group goes to:


Accepting the award will be the members of RyanDan, RYAN AND DAN!

Congratulations, guys!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Lloyd's Advertising Agency

I would like to get into advertising copy-writing, but I don't have the time to start at the bottom. I'm 35 and have two kids to feed. I need to make money! So, I decided to just start my own advertising agency and write my own ads. Of course, I don't have to worry about being held back by limitations of my clients, because I don't have any clients. So I can just make up my own products and write ads for them.

So, without any further ado (what the hell does that mean, anyhow?), here is my first ad:

Announcer: “Some car companies claim to offer versatility. Now, one car company really does. Introducing the car called the most versatile car ever by ‘Car and Collectable’ magazine.”

(dramatic music)

Announcer: “The Kia Chia.”

Singers: “K-k-k-k-kia. Ch-ch-ch-chia”

Announcer: “Simply plant the seeds on the specially-designed chassis, and watch them grow! Then, cut the grass into the shape of your dream car.”

Woman: “With my brood of soccer stars, I needed more space, but couldn’t afford a large vehicle. I cut my Kia Chia into the shape of a minivan! Now the whole family can travel together!”

Young man: “I never had any luck with the ladies, until I cut my Kia Chia into a hot sportscar. Now I’m getting more dates than I can handle!”

Middle-aged man: “I was the coolest guy in town with my Kia Chia motorcycle. Then, I got married and the bike didn’t fit my lifestyle anymore. I let it grow out a bit, and cut it into a practical sedan. Now my wife is happy, thanks to my Kia Chia.”

Announcer: “Kia Chia. How will you cut it?”

Announcer, speaking extra-fast: "Warranty does not cover grass fires or goat attacks."

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Real News

Last night I told you about an item in my hometown's newspaper, the Kings County Record. I'm not convinced that story was newsworthy enough to warrant a full-page in colour in the paper. You decide for yourself.

But there was one event that happened while I was visiting Sussex that didn't even make the paper, and it is HUGE! Way more important than doggy actors.

Last week, I was invited to my sister's house for a delicious dinner. I wanted to contribute something, so I went downtown to get some beer and wine to bring along. It had been storming that day, but by this point, the weather had settled down.

I got to the liquor store and found, to my horror, that there was a sign on the door saying "Closed due to the storm".



How did they think people were going to be able to get through the storm without booze?

I'm pretty sure that this is a violation of my Charter rights. I am going to write a strongly-worded letter.

How dare they?

Monday, January 7, 2008

The Virgin and Puppy

So I just got home to Toronto after a couple of weeks "back home" in Sussex, New Brunswick visiting family. It was nice.

Something that caught my eye while I was there was a news story in the local weekly paper, The Kings County Record. It was a full-page. Colour. Must be big news, eh?

Apparently a local canine agility group staged a production of the Nativity story at a church to raise money for an animal shelter in the closest town big enough to have an animal shelter. Nice. A good cause. And so festive

Did I mention that each part in the play was performed by dogs? Check it out.

I heard some people commenting that they felt this was sacreligious or something (keep in mind that this is a rural and conservative area). I don't see it that way. I just think it's bizarre. And it's one thing for people to do it, and for people to come see it. But it's another thing altogether the newspaper to run a FULL-PAGE STORY about dogs dressed up as the three Weimaraner Men. Even in a town of 5,000 there are more important things to put in the newspaper than this. It is not nearly impressive enough to warrant a full page in colour.

You want to impress me? Get the dogs to stage a production of Cats. Then I'll come out to see Bandit's interpretation of the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.