New Open Mic Comedy Show in Toronto This Weekend

Hey Toronto-area comedy fans,

Local stand up comic Adam McFawn is starting a new open mic show Sunday May 27 at Rocky Raccoon's, 2579 Yonge St (2nd floor). It is 5 streets north of Eglinton, on the East side of Yonge St.

I'll be doing a set, along with several other local comics. Come out and have a laugh and support a new room in town.

See you there!

Llove,

Lloyd

Llearn about animals with Lloyd

I want you, the readers of this blog, to come away from your blog reading time feeling educated, if nothing else. So, for today's blog post, I am sharing an educational video I put together about animals.

The video was filmed by my wife's neice, Reilly, when we took her and her sister, Taylor to the African Lion Safari, a "drive-through zoo" near Toronto on the May long weekend. It is very educational, and of course, I saved the best learning experience for last. I think that the closing scene was a real highlight of their trip to Toronto, based on how much they talked about it, so I wanted to share it with you.

Click here to watch the video.

Enjoy!

Llove,

Lloyd

Games squirrels play

The following is a conversation between two squirrels in Thomson Park in Scarborough:

Squirrel 1: "Hey, do you hear that?"

Squirrel 2: "What? All I hear is an ambulance pulling into Scarborough General."

Squirrel 1: "Listen closely."

Squirrel 2: "Ah! A rollerblader! Do you think it could be...?"

Squirrel 1: "YES! I think I hear the pitter-patter of a dog running too."

Squirrel 2: "You're right! Look, coming around the corner! It's that big awkward guy with his husky!"

Squirrel 1: "I'll bet you three acorns and this half-eaten hamburger bun I found under the picnic table that I can get the dog to chase me into the woods, and that the guy will hold onto the leash, trying to keep the dog under control, eventually crashing into the bushes over there."

Squirrel 2: "You're on! Even that guy can't be so stupid that he wouldn't let go of the leash."

A passing blackbird: "I've gotta see this!"

Squirrel 1: "Ready... here I go! HEY DOGGY! LOOKATME! I'M DELICIOUS!"

Dog: "Huh? FOOD!"

Squirrel 2: "OHMYGOD! LOOK AT THAT!"

Blackbird: "I didn't know humans could fly!"

Squirrel 2: "Wow, you almost did it! He totally would have crashed into those bushes if that big patch of mud hadn't been there. Man, did you see how he lurched forward when the wheels on his skates got stuck in that mud?"

Squirrel 1: "Man, that was completely worth losing the acorns and hamburger bun just to see the look on his face as he belly-flopped onto the ground. Stupid humans."

Squirrel 2: "HAHAHAHA! And now look at him - yelling at the dog, and the dog's looking all sorry-like and pretending he doesn't understand English!"

Blackbird: "Funniest thing I've seen all day."

I hate squirrels.

An Open Letter

To the fat, dirty dude with messed up teeth and a starving girlfriend (cousin?) who I saw at the Emergency department at Scarborough General Hospital a couple of weeks ago:

As you stood there, under the big sign that said "TRIAGE", loudly calling the nurse an "ignorant bitch" because she checked in the woman who looked to be near death before she checked in your girlfriend with a tummy ache, I wanted to suggest that you make a trip to the library to look up triage in the dictionary (because I just assumed that you don't have a dictionary at home). Then, I looked at you again and decided that the odds of you knowing where to find the local library were almost as slim as the odds of you knowing how to read.

Also, please do us all a big favour next time, and try to find a shirt that fits. Or if you only have ill-fitting shirts, maybe if you are going out into public, you could wear the one without mysterious stains all over the front of it.

Thankssomuch!

Llove,

Lloyd

A Short History of Animal Studies

I have been slowly reading Bill Bryson's book A Short History of Nearly Everything. It's a good read.

I read with interest Bryson's explanation for the extinction of various animal species. He talks about things like meteors, climate change, etc. But I have since learned of another way that many species became extinct, and Bryson doesn't even touch on this in his book. Here's the story of how I made this important scientific discovery.

A couple of weeks ago, we visited our friends Mike and Lori. They fed us a delicious dinner, drinks and good conversation. You'd think that would be enough, but not for these two. On top of all that, they went out and bought our son a nice toy.

It's a little Noah's Ark, by Mega Blocks. Nice! Eric loves it.

"But Lloyd, what does this lovely toy have to do with extinction?"

I'm getting to it. Relax.

I bet you thought you knew the story of Noah's Ark, didn't you? Well, you thought wrong! Noah looks all nice and happy and harmless, standing there with all of his animals. But look closer. On the other side of the ark.

What is that, sticking out of the ark?

Hey! That looks like a plank! What is this, a pirate ship?

I've come up with a theory based on this discovery of the plank on Noah's Ark. It seems that old Noah got looking around at his animal friends and decided that there was no room for the two-headed sheep.

Or the siamese giraffe.

He rounded up all of the animals he saw as too freakish to live, and made them walk the plank.
.


One by one

And then he stood, smiling, watching them drown.


Old Noah doesn't seem like such a great animal rights activist now, does he?

You don't believe me? Have you ever seen a two-headed sheep? Or a siamese giraffe? I rest my case.

It's Fun To Obsess At The YMCA

So, as you know, if you've been following along, I'm trying to lose some weight. (If you haven't been following along, you can catch up here). So far this year, 25 lbs gone.

Part of the strategy has been to join the local YMCA and go exercise as often as possible. Whenever I go up there, I try to run about 5 km on the track there. At first, I thought that running inside was lame, but I actually kind of like it.

Anyhow, I've noticed that there are a lot of people running or walking the track there who have certain little obsessive things that they have to do as they go around and around. For instance, some people who walk the track, have a need, at every curve, to leave the inside "walking only" lane, and walk in the outside "running only" lane. This makes them feel better, so whatever. Some people feel a need to zig-zag back and forth every second lap. They all have their own little thing that they need to do.

I have a little thing that I need to do too while I'm there. I NEED TO RUN AROUND THE TRACK! GET OUT OF MY WAY AND STOP WITH THE LANE CHANGING AND ZIG ZAGGING! FREAKS.

Finally, some recognition

This week's issue of NOW magazine in Toronto includes a full-length feature about me! Can you believe it?

OK, maybe I'm exaggerating. It's not so much a full-length feature, but more like a "featurette". A mini story about me. It's very flattering too.

Fine, I'm stretching the truth again. It's basically a short, three line profile about me and my comedy. Very short and succinct, but very informative at the same time.

OK, OK. I'm a big, fat liar. It's none of those things. There's just my name, listed amongst the comics performing tonight at Corktown Comedy (upstairs at Betty's, 240 King St. E. in Toronto at 8:30PM). So, it's not so exciting after all, but at least my name is in a magazine. Is yours? Scroll down to Wednesday May 16, if you want to witness my name in print!

By the way, if you haven't figured this out yet, the point of this blog is to drop a big hint that you should come see me at Corktown Comedy tonight at Betty's.

I like kids, but...

The other day, we stopped into Harvey's for a burger. And I have been wondering why my weight loss has been stuck at 25 lbs for the past few weeks.

So, I was eating my onion rings and noticed the image on the side of the onion rings container. It says "KIDS" in big letters across the container, with crayola crayons all around it. It's a promotion for their kids menu. Check out this fuzzy picture of the container:



Then, I looked closely, and saw a logo in the corner saying "cooked in trans fat free oil." So, I guess my first impression was wrong. It turns out that this container wasn't promoting the kids menu, but the fact that Harvey's cooks kids in trans fat free oil. Apparently that is a beautiful thing.

Good for them. But is that even legal? And, do cannibals really care about trans fats? Besides, everyone knows that kids are better roasted than deep fried.

Mother's Day Message

Get your own drink! Mother's Day is over, along with the free ride that comes with it!

Just kidding. I hope all you Mommies and Mummies and Mamas had a good Mother's Day and that someone will still get your drinks for you on Monday even though it's just another day.

Llove,

Lloyd

Spread it evenly, please

I know this is old news, but I haven't had time to blog about it, so get off my back, ok?

Canada's elected Members of Parliament decided recently to make good use of taxpayers' dollars to debate whether Hockey Canada should have made Shane Doan the captain of Team Canada at the world championships. It was alleged that Doan made derogatory comments about a French-Canadian referee at a game in December 2005. The argument that some opposition members put forward is that someone who uses this kind of language should not be representing Canada as the captain of the national team.

Hockey legend and Liberal MP, Ken Dryden, argued that since Hockey Canada receives funding from the Government of Canada, they should be accountable to the Government. Maybe this makes sense. Maybe. But this isn't the point. The point is that Shane Doan was cleared by the NHL and by Hockey Canada of any wrongdoing in this event. It doesn't mean that he didn't say it, but it means that they couldn't prove that he did.

What is he accused of saying? I saw Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois, on CBC News saying that Doan had said "you fucking French frog...or something like that." Or something like that. So we aren't even sure what he is accused of saying.

So, the Hockey Canada officials were called before a House of Commons committee to explain why Doan was named team captain.

So, let me get this straight. If you are ever accused of maybe, who knows, he could have done it, possibly saying something inappropriate, or not, any government-funded organization that puts you in any position of authority should have to justify their decision to a committee of politicians. Ken Dryden says so. And the members of Canadian Parliament voted unanimously in agreement.

OK, then. The Liberal Party of Canada receives funding from the Government of Canada. The deputy leader of the Liberal Party, Michael Ignatieff, has been accused by Ukrainian-Canadians and by Israeli-Canadians of making inappropriate statements about each group.

Considering that the elected members of Parliament all voted in favour of this logic, it only seems fair that representatives of the Liberal Party be called before a Commons committee to explain why they chose him as their representative in the riding of Etobicoke-Lakeshore and as their deputy leader.

I am sending a link to this blog to the offices of my local Member of Parliament, the Prime Minister, the leader of the Liberal Party, the NDP and the Bloc Quebecois, and of course, Dryden and Ignatieff, to encourage them to put this important issue on the schedule during an upcoming Parliamentary debate. You can look up your local MP here and do the same. (Copy these addresses: Harper.S@parl.gc.ca, Dion.S@parl.gc.ca, Layton.J@parl.gc.ca, Dryden.K@parl.gc.ca, Ignatieff.M@parl.gc.ca)

Also, if you know of any other MPs who have been accused of maybe, possibly, saying something inappropriate, but there isn't any proof that they said it, you should encourage your local representative to introduce a motion in Parliament that their position in Parliament is debated.

I think it's important that we let politicians know that we want them to be fair about the way that they waste time and tax dollars. They can't just pick on the hockey players. They need to spread the bullshit evenly, or maybe they should just get back to debating the important things. Like whether or not Peter called Belinda a dog.

Laugh Resort Amateur Show - tomorrow night (Wednesday May 2, 2007)

For those few of you reading this who I somehow left out of my whoring campaign of e-mails and Facebook or MySpace event invitations, tomorrow night (Wednesday, May 2), I will be onstage during amateur night at the Laugh Resort.

The Laugh Resort is in the Holiday Inn on King at 370 King Street West in downtown Toronto. The show starts at 8:30PM. If you say that you're there to see me, you will get a discount on the cover charge, AND I will have a better chance of getting back onstage there again soon.

I hope to see you then. I miss you.

Llove,

Lloyd