I cried because I had $10 shoes

I had to buy shoes for my son. Usually, we have to buy good shoes, because of his problems walking. But these were shoes to fit over the little braces he wears on his legs a few hours a day (properly called Ankle-Foot Orthotics, or AFOs). So, his physiotherapist suggested that we buy cheap shoes from Wal-Mart, as they tend to be the ones that work best with the braces. So, I finaly find the shoe section in the massive Wal-Mart on Eglinton Avenue in Scarborough. This store is bigger than my hometown. I'm standing there, looking at the shoes, trying to find a pair that will fit the braces properly, and in the 15 minutes that I was there, no less than 5 women came through and said "Look at these prices! Who does Wal-Mart think they are, charging so much for shoes? It's a crime!" and then storm off.

There isn't a pair of kids shoes there for more than $20.00! Where are these women buying their kids' shoes? Are they making them at home? Where else can you get shoes for $10? I know, some people can't even afford $10 shoes. But each of these women was dressed in designer clothes that cost a lot more than $10, from stores that look and smell a lot nicer than Wal-Mart. At what point do you say "I can't spend $10 on my kid's shoes, because then I would come up short for the silver sequined top and matching bracelet that I saw at Le Chateau?

Maybe I just don't get it because I would look like shit in the silver sequined top from Le Chateau.

Next Stop: World Domination

Apparently, in Texas these days, it isn't cool to use racial slurs anymore. Welcome to modern times, Texas!

Although, to be fair, it's not like they're not being racist anymore. It's just that they are trying not to get caught being racist. So, instead of using everyone's favourite racial slurs, like the N word, they have decided to come up with a code. The key to cracking the code isn't too hard. They just picked one word, and substituted it for all of the racial slurs they didn't want to be heard uttering anymore. That word: Canadian. Click here for the whole story.

It's about time someone down there noticed us! I feel so honoured that our country has become such an important part of the South's time-honoured tradition of bigotry!

This information has helped me make up my mind as to who I will be cheering on in the U.S. elections. I really hope Barak Obama wins. Because wouldn't it be cool to finally have a Canadian in the White House?

Screw It

My father-in-law is a man's man. He was a local hockey star when he was younger. Worked in construction for years, during the big boom in Calgary. He has a hunting camp. He drives a four-wheeler, which he hauls around in his massive pick up truck.

So, I often wonder how he felt when Jodi brought me home to meet him, about 13 years ago. "This is Lloyd. He dropped out of studies for an English degree, and now he's planning to go to cooking school. No, he doesn't own a car, or even know anything about cars. In fact, his father's car has a flat and he's hoping you could help change it because he has no idea how to."

I haven't gotten any manlier over the years, either, as I have pointed out previously. But he's always been good about overlooking my wimpishness. He must have been really proud the day when, during a visit a couple of months ago, he was helping me install a new light fixture in the dining room. He said "Lloyd, could you grab me a Phillips screwdriver?"

I ran to the basement to my toolbox (which is the toolbox that my knives came in during cooking school) and dug around. I went back upstairs and said, "sorry, no Phillips, just Black and Decker and Mastercraft. Is one of those ok?"

I. Am. Hopeless.

Think it through

Men and women are different. It's true. Maybe someday a stand up comic will expand on this theory and do some comedy about the differences between men and women. That would be refreshing.

I first became aware of this apparent difference between men and women recently, when I noticed that my friend Rebecca and I had each reacted differently to a news story. Perhaps it's because of our gender, I said. I think I might be onto something.

She had e-mailed me a link to a news article from Reuters about a guy in Poland who nipped into the local brothel (maybe he made a mistake and thought it was something else, like a Registered Massage Therapist that he could claim on his employee health benefits plan. I'm not sure, but I think we can give him the benefit of the doubt). When he got inside, he couldn't help but notice that one of the "service providers" happened to be his lovely wife of 14 years. He immediately asked her what she was doing there.

Check it out.

So Rebecca's reaction to this story was "question is, what are YOU doing here?" Fair enough. I guess I can see how that question would eventually come up. But the first thing I thought when I read the story was entirely different. I focused in on the last line in the article.

"The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported."

He's divorcing her? That's not so bright. He just earned a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card. For the rest of his life, he can come home, smelling like the brothel and if she says anything he can say "Hey, you used to work there! How many guys did you get it on with in a night while you worked there? Know how many of your former colleagues I had the sexings with tonight? Only one, because I am so full of self-restraint."

He didn't think it through before going ahead with the divorce. Should have called me for advice.

One month

Yesterday marked one month since my second son, Alex was born. I can't believe it's already been a month. On the other hand, it seems like he's been with us forever.

I think that the strangest thing about having two sons is using the phrase "the boys" and not meaning my no-no bits.

Do they serve apple pie?

Do you know anything about Guyanese culture? Do they eat apple pie in Guyana? Because when I see the picture below, of a slogan for a Guyanese-Chinese restaurant in my neighbourhood, all I can picture is that scene from American Pie.



I Man Love It? What the hell? Is this the headquarters for NAMFLA (North American Man-Food Love Association).

Is this even legal? You hear about strip clubs being raided all the time for innapropriate activity between dancers and patrons. What about inappropriate activity between dessert and patron? (No, I don't mean the girl at the Brass Rail who goes by the stage name of "Dessert", I mean dessert). I am outraged by this depravity in my neighbourhood!

So, who wants to join me to go check this joint out?

And The Award Goes To...

The Lloyd MMusic AAward for Least Inspired Name Ever for a Duo or Group goes to:

RyanDan!

Accepting the award will be the members of RyanDan, RYAN AND DAN!

Congratulations, guys!