Happy 2007

It's almost 2007 here in New Brunswick. My wife and mother in law have gone to bed and my father in law and I are solving the world's problems over a few bottles of the East Coast's finest brews. While he went out for a smoke, i thought I would see if I could type well enough to get a quick drunken blog post up.

Happy New Year, you fuckers.

Llove,

Lloyd

2006 - a year in review

I did something I have never done. I bought a Maxim magazine. I couldn't help it. It had a really smoking hot picture of my girlfriend on the cover.

I loves me some Angelina

The issue I bought is the "2006 Most Awesome Awards" issue. Other than my Angelina winning "Woman of the Year", I didn't really think they picked very awesome award winners. So, I decided I would do it better than them. Here is my very own...

Lloyd's 2006 Mmost Aawesome Aawards

(AKA The Lloydy Awards)

1. Woman of the Year: You guessed it, I agree with Maxim on this one.

Angelina was really emotional when she learned that she had won the coveted "Lloydy" award.

2. Blog of the year: Becspeak. Well written, funny, interesting. Rebecca and her husband Garth are two of the coolest people I know. Read it, because I said so.

3. Best CD my wife and I bought this year: John Lithgow - Singin' in the Bathtub

This CD makes my son smile from the first note all the way to the end. If you have kids, you need this CD

4. Best Stand-up Comedy Debut by Somebody Named Lloyd - The winner is... ME.

5. Best Canadian Political Moment: Outgoing Alberta Premier Ralph Klein's comment about former Conservative, now Liberal Belinda Stronach (former girlfriend of Conservative heavy Peter MacKay) never having a Conservative bone in her body... Well, maybe one. Watch the video here and learn more about Belinda and Peter here. I'm not a fan of King Ralph at all, but this was funny stuff.

6. Best American Political Moment: Vice President Dick Cheney mistaking one of his hunting partners for a bird. I think the real story is that the dude kept teasing Dick about his "lez-been" daughter so the veep had to shut him up.

7. Cutest kid of 2006: Mine

I'm sure you think your kid is the cutest, but you are wrong

8. Best Weight-loss Plan of 2006: Mine

So, there you have it. The best of 2006. I'm sure many of you disagree with some or all of my choices. But that's the great thing about living in a free society. You are free to learn how wrong you are and to learn what you should really believe.

Enjoy the rest of 2006 kids.

Llove,

Lloyd

The spirit of giving

For Christmas, my Uncle George's doctor gave him two brand new pig valves in his heart. So, now he is recovering from open-heart surgery. As a 79 year-old bachelor farmer, he had nowhere else to go, so he is staying here at my mother's house. I'm glad that I'm here to help, because my 74 year-old mother might have a hard time of it.

We just picked him up from the hospital today, so for his first night here, I am a bit nervous that he will be disoriented and do something silly. He isn't allowed to bear weight on his arms, so he can't push himself out of bed. As a reminder, he has to hold a pillow with a heart on it against his chest all the time.

After years of living alone with nobody telling him what to do, it isn't going to be easy to get him to follow the rules, but it scares me to think what might happen if he doesn't. The nurse told us that all that is holding his sternum together where they sawed him open is wires like the ones in twist-ties. If he does stuff he isn't supposed to, his whole chest could fall apart. I don't want to clean up that mess, so I am checking on him regularly.

Some good has already come from all of this though. He gave me a great Christmas present the other day, when I visited him in the hospital. He gave me a good way to burn my older brother, Mark.

Uncle George was still pretty drugged up after his surgery when I went to see him. Part way through our visit, he looked at me and said "Mark! You look better than ever!"

I couldn't wait to tell Mark this over Christmas dinner, in front of the whole family, or at least the 22 of us assembled at the table. Everyone tought it was pretty funny, except Mark. But he felt better when my mother made me tell the whole story. Uncle George actually said "Mark! You look better than ever! You got fat!"

I figure if I look better than Mark even when I'm fat, maybe I should rethink my weight-loss plan.

Happy Belated Birthday, Baby Jesus

I'm the only one in my family who isn't what you would call "religious" (whatever that means). I think my family is now worried for my soul, after a couple of comments I made over the past couple of days.

My mother has every one for Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, so that we can all go to our in-laws for dinner on Christmas day. I bring the beer (Alpine or Moosehead Premium Dry) and wine (whatever doesn't cost too much and looks ok). This year, my brother arrived as I was putting the beer into the fridge. He said "are you sharing your beer?" and I said "It's not my beer."

"Then whose beer is it?"

Without thinking about the fact that my ultra-Christian mother was standing there, I said "it's everyone's beer. It's Christmas beer. It's the Baby Jesus' beer. Baby Jesus wants you to have some of his beer. Baby Jesus wants you to get drunk in honour of his birth."

The room went quiet while everyone said a silent prayer for my Hell-bound soul.

If the Baby Jesus doesn't like the way I talk, then fuck the Baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Llove,

Lloyd

Misunderstandings

I've blogged before about how a simple misunderstanding can make you feel pretty silly. (Here and also here).

Recently, it's happened again. Mrs. Lloyd and I were both on the verge of falling to sleep. She had one leg draped over one of my legs. Wanting to be sure that this position didn't hurt, she asked me "is this hard on your leg?"

I misunderstood, and replied "no, this hardon is my penis. But thanks for the compliment."

Safety of Air Travel in Canada

Here is a letter I recently sent to the Canadian Minister of Transport, who is responsible for the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority. I also copied it to several other Members of Parliament, as I feel it is an important issue.

To: Hon. Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Transport

Re: Safety of Air Travel in Canada

CC: Right Hon. Stephen Harper, Prime Minister;
Hon. Stockwell Day, Minister of Public Safety;
Sylvie Boucher, Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister;
Jason Kenny, Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister;
Brian Jean, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Transport;
Dave MacKenzie, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Safety;
Hon. Robert Nicholson, Leader of the Government in the House of Commons;
Hon. Stéphane Dion , Leader of the Liberal Party of Canada;
Michael Ignatieff, Deputy Leader of the Liberal Party;
Hon. Ralph Goodale, House Leader of the Liberal Party;
David McGuinty, Liberal Transport Critic;
Hon. Irwin Cotler, Liberal Public Safety Critic;
Gilles Duceppe , Leader of the Bloc Québécois;
Robert Carrier, Bloc Québécois Transport Critic;
Serge Ménard, Bloc Québécois Public Safety Critic;
Hon. Jack Layton, Leader of the New Democratic Party;
Peter Julian, NDP Transport Critic;
Joe Comartin, NDP Public Safety Critic;
Libby Davies, NDP House Leader;
John Cannis, MP Scarborough Centre.

Dear Mr. Cannon,

I am writing to you to express my feelings about the fantastic work that your department, particularly the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority does on behalf of Canadians. I have copied this message to relevant members of all four parties represented in the House of Commons, as I believe it is very important that they all know about the wonderful job that is being done to protect Canadian air travelers.

My wife and I travel frequently across Canada by air, and have been very impressed by what we have seen over and over again in airports across this country. These are difficult times in which to maintain airport security, but your department's policies ensure safety and security for all travelers.

I have been particularly impressed by the methods used to protect us since the terrorist scare in the UK in August. The banning of liquids and gels in carry-on luggage was the right move to ensure that explosives are not carried onto aircraft. Then, after the scare became less immediate, the new rules to lessen the restrictions on liquids and gels were well conceived and flawlessly executed.

What I am most impressed with is the way liquids and gels are handled by airport security staff when they find them in carry-on baggage. For instance, I was traveling with my 22 month-old son recently, and forgot that there was baby skin cream in his diaper bag. Rather than simply discard of this important parenting tool, the security guard placed it into a Ziploc bag, sealed it and handed it back to me, reminding me to not open the bag until after I was off the plane.

Of course I was thankful to have it back, because after purchasing an airline ticket for a domestic flight in Canada, I did not have enough money to replace the cream if it had been discarded.

Whoever thought of this fantastic way to deal with liquids and gels on airplanes was really thinking "outside the box" and deserves a great Christmas bonus this year.

Now, to be honest, I have heard some Canadians criticize this technique, calling it "an insult to the intelligence of Canadians", but clearly those people are freedom-hating terrorist lovers. I heard one person laugh and say "what's to stop someone from opening the bag during their flight to get at their explosive liquid or gel?" to which I answered "Pay attention! The security guard SAID to leave it sealed inside the bag until you get off the plane!"

I even heard somebody say that the sales team at S.C. Johnson must be laughing all the way to the bank, after convincing the Canadian Government to stock up on millions of Ziploc Bags for all of the shaving cream, shampoo and mascara in everyone's carry-on bags. I hope so. They deserve all of the accolades they are getting in the boardroom, because who knows how many Canadian lives those sales representatives have saved with their brilliant idea?

My only concern with the policy is that there needs to be a way at the passenger's destination for people to get information about how to get into the bags to retrieve their items. I forgot to get the combination or key to unlock these secure bags, and when I call the airport, nobody seems to be able to help me. As I mentioned, I cannot afford to buy new skin cream for my son, and at this time of year, the skin on his legs is getting very dry and is very uncomfortable for him. Can you direct me to a website where I can find directions for opening this high-tech security device?

Thank you for your help on this matter, and thank you on behalf of all Canadians for keeping our skies safe.

Happy Holidays,

Lloyd Ravn
Scarborough, ON

I'll let you know if I get any kind of response.

Half of Nicole

I've been gaining a lot of weight lately. In the past two months, I packed on fifteen pounds and didn't even notice it. I was sure my jeans were shrinking, but I guess not.

According to Health Canada's Body Mass Index (BMI) Calculator, I am overweight, and just a couple of pounds short of obese.

In more technical terms, I am a fatty-fatty fat guy.

So, I have decided to do something about it. In order to drop into what Health Canada considers the healthy weight for my height, I need to shed around 40 lbs. That sounds tough, but I plan to do it. 40 lbs at least.

That is around half of what was listed as Nicole Richie's weight on her booking sheet when she was busted for driving like a retard on Monday. When I think of it that way, it sounds like a pretty good target. So, I plan to go beyond just 40 lbs, and lose a total of 42.5 lbs, exactly half of Nicole's 85 lbs. Just think, if I succeed, and reach my healthy weight, and live a good long life, free of heart attacks and whatever else fat people die from, I can tell everyone that Nicole Richie saved my life. Or at least half of her did.

It's the official Half of Nicole Richie Weight Loss Plan. And I am inviting you to join me. What percentage of Nicole Richie do you want to lose? Let me know, and we'll keep track together. This is sure to become the next big weight loss craze! People the world over will be healthier thanks to the official Half of Nicole Richie Weight Loss Plan.

(yes, people the world over, but let's face it: it's us fat North Americans that really need this)

Who would have thought that Nicole and I would work together to save the world from the obesity epidemic that we are facing? It will be beautiful!

Thanks, Nicole.

I'm not certain how I will lose the weight, but that's not important. What's important is that I have a name for my weight loss plan!

Get the Kleenex

I got an e-mail this evening from my friend Caran that started with one phrase: "Get the Kleenex". This opening line was followed by a forwarded e-mail. With a heading like that, I couldn't resist. So, I grabbed a tissue (actually I grabbed a handful, just in case) and scrolled down.

There was the nicest story about a little boy who went to see Santa Claus at the mall. He brought with him a photo of his sister, because she wanted so badly to be with Santa, but she was in the hospital and not expected to survive lukemia.

Santa agreed to go visit the girl after his shift at the mall. The department store assistant manager drove him to the children's hospital where little Sarah got her Christmas wish and sat and chatted with Santa.

Old Kris Kringle choked back tears as he hugged the poor little girl, whose hair was falling out, but whose spirit was still strong. Before he left, he prayed with her and her family, and made her promise to get better and come see him next year at the mall. Then, he left and he and his boss had a good cry.

Next Christmas, a girl sat on his lap and introduced herself as Sarah, the girl from the cancer ward at the hospital last year. Dear old Santa cried, and thanked Jesus for answering his prayers. It was such a touching story.

But I still don't understand why Caran advised me to get Kleenex before reading that story. There was no porn in that e-mail. Unless Caran forgot to attach the porn.

NO PORN! This is why I hate Christmas.

Llove,

Lloyd

The other side of being with the kids

As I mentioned in a previous post, we love being "home" in New Brunswick, partly because of the time we get to spend with our neices and nephews. Sometimes that can backfire though.

First, I made it clear that I would strictly forbid ponytails or any other girly makeover things to be done to my son. Then, when they ignored that, I made it clear that there was to be NO photographic evidence.

It's so good to know that my neices-in-law take my rules so seriously.

Found Pictures

As I mentioned, I am on vacation, visiting family in New Brunswick. Included in the family we are visiting are 12 nieces and nephews on my side, and three on my wife's side.

One of the best things about visiting when neices and nephews are around is "found pictures". When we leave our digital camera sitting around, you can count on one of the younger kids picking it up and taking some pictures without us knowing about it. Then, when we browse through the pictures later, we usually find something unexpected that makes us laugh.

I wouldn't have expected that my wife's youngest neice, who is in grade five, would have known about Kids in the Hall, particularly their "crushing your head" sketch. But, I guess I was wrong.

Ivan looks thrilled to be in Reilly's re-creation of this classic sketch.

If I find any more good found pictures during the rest of my trip, I'll share them with you. Meanwhile, I have to get Ivan to the vet, to get his crushed head fixed.

Llove,

Lloyd

Relaxation

I got a message saying something along the lines of "hey Lloyd, where have you been? Why haven't you been blogging? Why haven't you returned my e-mail message? Why didn't you reply to the comment I left on your MySpace page?"

I've been on vacation. I still am. Right now I am at my mother's house in Sussex, New Brunswick. This is the place in the world where I feel the msot relaxed.

Last night, there were two white-tailed deer on the lawn. This morning, there were five in the field you can see from the living room window. There hasn't been a car pass here in the past three hours. I haven't heard a siren in ages. Don't get me wrong; I love living in Toronto, but while I am here I can't remember why.

A week ago today, we woke up and this was what we saw out the windows:

So, that's why I haven't been as much of an internet whore lately. Don't worry though, I'll be back at it soon.

The only downside is that I can't look at porn on my mother's computer! On second thought, I guess I can't wait to get back to Toronto and the privacy of my own computer room.

Llove,

Lloyd

Now I understand Old Navy Branding

I always wondered why it was called Old Navy.

Do they sell second-hand boats?

Yesterday, I was in an Old Navy store in Halifax and figured it out.

It smells like dead sailors in there.

Trucker Time Warp

A conversation I overheard yesterday:

Trucker: These days, I'm just driving the truck from New Brunswick to Alabama.

Other Guy: Wow, how long does it take to get down there?

Trucker: Four days. Yeah. Three and a half days. Yeah. I leave on Saturday night and get there on Monday morning.

Pardon?