Monday, July 7, 2014

5 Frustrating Things About Being a Man in His 40s

I'm 41. Overall, it's ok, but there are some parts that suck. Here they are:

5. The hair. I took my kids to the barber shop and the barber said to my 6-year-old, "look, there's more hair on your bib that I've cut off your head than Daddy has at all." I said "clearly, Mr. Barber, you've never been to the beach with Daddy."
I could have sworn that the shampoo I bought said it would give my hair more body, not the other way around.
If you're a Star Wars fan, here's a visual: C3P0 from the neck up, Chewie from the neck down.

My two Dads having a special moment.

4.The exhaustion. I used to sleep at night. Now I sleep whenever I can. If I'm reading a book to my kids, and the word "yawn" is in the book, it will make me yawn. In fact, I just yawned each time I typed the word yawn. And there, I did it again. 

3. The peeing. I don't remember the moment that I went from being able to say "I have to pee. I should find a place in which to do so farily soon" to having to say "I HAVE TO PEE! NOW! EMERGENCY!" 
My pee timeline just goes like this: 

1. Don't have to pee... 
2. Don't have to pee... 
3. don't have to pee... 

2.The ass. I haven't had an ass since I hit my 40s. That's not as ass back there. It's a long back with a hole at the bottom. It's like a golf course! And the rough is... well, everywhere. It's a very poorly groomed golf course. 

My theory about the old man disappearing ass is this: you know how sometimes, with women, gravity kicks in even more in certain parts? (if you're a man reading this with your wife, this is the time to say "I have no idea what he means.") Well, I believe that, with men, gravity gives up a little. And the ass just slides up a bit. then it gets all hooked up in the tailbone area, and moves around to the front and just settles in there under the ribcage. This is not my beer belly. This is my ass belly. 

I don't have buns, I have flatbread.

1. The doctor. I swear, if I run into my doctor at the grocery store, my first thought is still "when did I last wash my ass?" in case he decides this is the moment for that test. You know the one.
(Mike Birbiglia was much younger than 40 in this description of that test. But it is still as terrifying.)

Am I the only 40-something man with these frustrations? Any others out there that I should have included?

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