Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Telemarketing Tables Turned

Have you been called by these scammers who claim to be working for Microsoft and they are going to fix your computer? Apparently your computer has been sending them viruses or something. Their goal is to get you to let them have remote access to your PC so they can either steal your private info, or leave a malicious file or something. Don't let them do this. Nobody is ever going to call you because your computer is infected.

I recently had some fun with them. It went something like this.

Me: "Hello"
Him: "Yes, sir, this is Harold from Computer Server Maintenance Services. We have been contracted by Microsoft to help their clients with bad files. Your computer has been sending us bad files, so we want to help you get rid of the virus."
Me: "Bad files, eh? Sounds bad."
Him: "Yes, sir. Very bad."
Me: "How bad?"
Him: "Very bad."
Me: "Like, really bad?"
Him: "Yes, sir. Now, if you could turn on your PC, I can help you get rid of the bad files."
Me: "Like super bad?"
Him: "Yes, sir. Super bad." (he said "super bad" with a flourish, like an narrator in a superhero cartoon announcing the evil villain.)
Me: "I'm so glad you called. What do I need to do?"
Him: "Is your PC on, and are you in front of it?"
Me: "Yes, and yes! Please hurry!"
Him: "Ok, press the following keys" (I forget what keys he wanted me to press)
Me: (not anywhere near my computer) "OK. Done."
Him: "What do you see?"
Me: "A picture of a kitty cat. Is that what you wanted to show me? That's not such a bad file."
Him: "Pardon?"
Me: "A picture of a kitty cat. And the caption says 'You're purrrrfect.' What's so bad about that?"
Him: "no, sir, you must have pressed the wrong keys. Try this." (and he repeated the instructions.)
Me: "OK, now I see it. That's the recipe for fettuccine alfredo I've been looking for! Thanks!"
Him: "No, sir. You must have done it wrong again." (and repeats the instructions)
Me: "HEY! That's pornography! What kind of operation is Microsoft running over there?"
Him: "No, sir. This is not about pornography. This is about bad files."
Me: "What kind of files are worse than pornography? This is disgusting! Why did you want me to see your dirty pictures?"
Him: "No, sir. Those are not my dirty pictures. I do not have dirty pictures. I don't know how those got on your computer, but that is not why I am calling."
Me: "Are you accusing me of looking at pornographic images?"
Him: "Please, sir. Just follow these instructions." (and he repeats the instructions)
Me: "Hey, where did the porn go? Do you know howI get it back?"
Him: "No, sir. You will have to find it yourself. Can you tell me what you see now?"
Me: "A double rainbow! All the way! Woah! OH MY GOD! ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!"
Him: "Is this some kind of joke?"
Me: (sobbing a little) "You don't believe in rainbows? It's so beautiful. "
Him: *Click*

Best telemarketing call I've ever gotten. Harold, if you're out there, call back sometime. I miss you.


Anonymous said...

Lloyd...I love your blog about Harold....this was so apt for my day today...3 times they called...and the last time they called I told them to lose my number or I would call the police...yeah, overkill...I wish I read your blog sooner...ah...woulda, coulda, shoulda...*sigh* but man did I laugh! Thanks! Sherri Aker-Bowser

Anonymous said...

I tell them I don't own a computer when they call...and they had the nerve to ask for the phone numbers of my friends & family so they could assist them....ruthless!!