Sucker for an accent

I recently read a blog in which the writer complained that people in Toronto (where I live) are much less polite than people in London, England (where I used to live for a couple of years). I don't necessarily believe that in general, but I do believe it about the homeless in London. They are so polite, it's impossible to not give them money, cigarettes, food, whatever they want.

There was one guy who begged near my work. He got me every time. I would be on my way to the corner shop to get a Lion bar and he would stop me and say "Sorry sir, but could you perhaps spare 30 p so a gent could get a hot cut of tea?" I was like "Of course I could. A gent should be able to have a hot cup of tea. It's only right." I usually gave him a couple of pounds, so he could have a crumpet with his tea, at which point he would say "Awright! Cheers, mate! Fanks fer that! Now oi've got enough to get a fuckin' real drink," and he would follow me into the shop and buy a can of Foster's. This happened almost every day. And I didn't mind that he lied to me, or that he spent his tea money on beer. I minded that I kept believing him.

I don't know if Torontonians are more or less polite than Londoners. But this one certainly is dumber.

Dear TDSB and TCDSB

Dear Toronto District School Board and Toronto Catholic District School Board,

I wish to request that you add a class to your cirriculum called "Why you should take your big fucking backpack off when you get on the bus."

The textbook could have chapters titled "Hey you little fucker, when you turned around in font of my seat, you hit me in the face with that big fucking backpack" or "You take up as much space as a grotesquely obese person with that backpack on."

Trust me, as a new transit rider, I can testify to the fact that Toronto students need this class.

I would be happy to teach the class, because I am all about doing what's right for our children. And not getting a big fucking backpack jammed into my gut seven times a day.

Llove,

Lloyd

Can you read me now?

For a while, there was an ad at the bus shelter where I transfer on my way to work each day that was about illiteracy. It was paid for by the City, and it had all kinds of information for illiterate people, and a number to call for help. Seriously.

It might as well have said "If you can't read this ad, please call the following number"

That's like speaking in sign language to a blind person. Or whispering to a deaf person. Or using words with more than two syllables to George Bush. It's a unique marketing strategy, to say the least.

Dear Telemarketers

Dear Telemarketers,

I used to defend you. When people would start bitching about telemarketers, I would say "they're just trying to make some money, just like the rest of us." I even was one of you, when I was a University student, and made fundraising calls for the alumni office.

I have changed my point of view when it comes to telemarketing. Not all telemarketing, but I have come to absolutely hate the growing percentage of companies that are using the latest in telemarketing technology.

I'm sure everyone has had the calls. They go like this:

-Your phone rings.
-You answer it, politely. "Hello?"
-Nothing happens.
-You try again. Still polite. "Hello? Anyone there?"
-Nobody there.
-You give it one last try, a little frustrated now. "Hello?! Is this some kind of joke?"
-There is a clicking sound, as the computer at the other end of the line transfers you to the next available agent.
-"Hello, may I speak with.... (pause as they wait for their computer screen to refresh and tell them who they have called)... Mr. L. ... um.... Rain?"

So, you called me, and you expect me to wait for you? My phone rings, and I have to wait for you to come to the phone? You value my business so much that you couldn't bother to have someone on the line until you are sure that I am going to answer?

Tell you what - next time don't bother to have someone on the line until you are sure you have an offer for me that doesn't suck. First you make me wait for you to come to the phone, then you offer me a credit card at 0.01% below the legal usury limit?

Calling my house and then not actually being there when I answer the phone is the telephone version of "Nickey Nickey Nine Doors". And the next time I get one of these calls, I'm going to react like I would if that's what it was. I'm going to shout "stop ringing my bell and running away, you pesky kids!"

I am going to tell my friends to do the same thing. And to tell their friends. It will become a movement. And I will be the leader of the movement. And maybe one day, all the telemarketing companies will be forced to go back to having someone on the line to offer barely legal credit cards to me as soon as I answer the phone. That's all I ask.

Llove,

Lloyd

Dear Sirius

Dear Sirius Satelite Radio,

I enjoy your services while driving around in my car. I mostly listen to the comedy channels. Funny stuff.

But, sometimes, my kids are in the car with me. Then, I switch to your kids channel on 116.

I just wanted to let you know that we have about 6 CDs with kids music on them. You could borrow them if you want. Then your collection of kids music would be more than doubled!


Give me a call if you want to borrow our CDs.

Llove,

Lloyd

Things that bother me, part 49

I have to get this off of my chest. It's old news, and I meant to write about it last summer, and didn't. Then I decided too much time had passed and it wouldn't be relevant anymore, so I decided not to post it. But it's been eating away at me and I can't resist posting it anymore.

Here's the thing. Last summer, Bell Canada had an ad stuck on the bus shelter across the road from my house. It had a picture of the Bell Canada spokesbeavers, looking at phonebooks. The caption said "From A to Z, the calls are free."

That's just silly. It looks like it should rhyme, but it doesn't. At least not in Canada. The only place in the world where that would rhyme is in the U.S.

The only way that could rhyme in any other country in the world would be to change it to "From A to Z, all the calls are Fred." And that would be really stupid.

So, is Bell Canada leading some secret campaign to change the last letter in the alphabet from the proper "zed" to the American "zee"? If so, why? What's in it for them?

I'm not waiting to find out. I switched my phone service from Bell Canada to protest their re-writing the alphabet. You should switch your phone too, before they start forcing us to spell things like "humor" and "neighbor" or, even worse, pronounce the thing on the top of our houses as "ruff"!

Don't say I didn't warn you when your kids come home from school with an F on their report cards because of bad behaviour behavior.

Canadian World Domination for a thousand

Several years ago, I was browsing the interwebnets and found a site called "Canadian World Domination." It was built as a project by a couple of University students in Kitchener, and was hilarious. The students, known on the site as General Claire and General Jenny, outlined their plans for taking over the world, Canadian-style. If you've ever been forwarded a "You know you're Canadian if..." e-mail, it started out on that site. It's gone now, probably shut down by the CIA or maybe even because the "Generals" grew tired of the game.

Not surprisingly, though, Canadian World Domination (CWD) quickly developed a following of hard-core fans, who posted regularly on the CWD message forum. I was one of them. It was my first internet forum addiction, preceeding even my on-again, off-again obsession with zug.com's GAB forum.

The people on the CWD forum were funny, smart and funny, so I enjoyed reading what they had to say and sharing my thoughts with them. We became a tight group for a while, and even got together a few times, mostly here in Toronto (with people coming from as far away as Maine, Texas, and of course, Michigan), but there were other get-togethers in other cities in Canada, the US and even in Europe.

One of the most dedicated followers of Generals Claire and Jenny was a librarian from Flint, Michigan named Janet. I have had the pleasure of meeting Janet a few times on her visits to Toronto and she is lovely. Funny, smart, nice, and a kick-ass cook.

Even though the Canadian World Domination site is long gone, some of us still keep in touch through e-mail. And if you follow my blog even semi-regularly, you have surely seen comments left by my CWD comrades. Especially Janet, who has probably been the most regular comment poster on Lloyd's Llunch Counter.

So, I am excited to watch Jeopardy tonight, when Janet will be a contestant! I will know someone on Jeopardy. It doesn't even matter how well she does, as long as she posts a comment on this particular blog entry after the show airs and lets us know if Alex smelled like caramel (which, for some reason is what I always imagine).

You should all watch tonight, because one day, when Generals Claire and Jenny do complete their Canadian World Domination mission, Janet will surely be given a very important post (probably "Ambassador to the Wizzarding World" as she's a big Potter fan, or maybe "Minister of Pies"). So you should really get a glimpse of this future political leader.

Good luck tonight Janet! (I know, the show was taped weeks ago so no amount of well-wishing from me will affect the outcome, but I still can't wait to see how it goes).